Haven't They Grown(69)

‘Himself? I thought he was going to send child protection people?’

‘I don’t know. He said he went himself.’

‘Do you think that means he passed it on to child protection and they weren’t convinced enough to do anything?’

‘I’ve no way of knowing.’

‘Try letting Dad speak,’ Zannah suggests.

‘He talked to Kevin Cater and Yanina, and also to the children: Thomas and Emily. Had a nice long chat with them all, he said. In his opinion, all’s well and there’s nothing to worry about.’

‘Nothing to worry about?’ Don’t lose it, Beth. Don’t scream. Think about how insane Miss Hosmer sounded on Zannah’s video. You don’t want to sound like that. ‘What did you say, when he said that?’ I ask.

‘I thanked him for looking into it and for letting me know he had.’

‘That’s all?’

‘Yes. Should I have said something else? He’d done all he was going to do, and, let’s face it, he needn’t have done anything.’

‘But, Dad, you know there’s something to worry about: all the things that still don’t make sense.’

‘Pollard knows about those things too,’ I say quietly.

Dom looks past me into the middle distance, as if listening intently to someone behind me that I can’t see or hear. I’ve got a strong feeling that person is begging him not to lose his temper.

‘You’re right, Beth. Pollard knows everything that’s happened, he’s been to the house, and the net result of all that is what I’ve just told you: he’s satisfied nothing more needs to be done.’

‘And so we should be too? Did he go to Thomas’s school? Did he talk to Lou Munday?’

‘I don’t know. He didn’t say anything about the school.’

‘Course he didn’t go to the school,’ says Zannah.

‘Did he find out if Georgina Braid is dead or still alive?’

Dom looks puzzled – as if this is the last question he’d have expected me to ask. ‘He didn’t mention Georgina at all.’

‘And you didn’t either?’

‘No, I didn’t.’

‘Did he speak to any of the Caters’ neighbours? Did you tell him about the shoes?’

‘The …’ He looks puzzled. Then he remembers. ‘No, I didn’t tell him about Thomas Cater’s fucking shoes!’ Dom snaps. ‘I’m sick of this, Beth. Do you want to know why I didn’t ask all the questions you wish I’d asked? I don’t care any more! Whatever the Braids are up to, I don’t give a shit, as long as I can get my life back – the life that didn’t involve talking about the Braids and the Caters every waking second of every day.’

‘That’s understandable,’ I say. Now that he’s lost his temper, I feel calmer. ‘I’ve been expecting you to share my level of obsession. It wasn’t fair of me. I’m sorry, okay.’

Dom eyes me suspiciously.

‘I promise I’ll stop talking to you about this soon,’ I say, knowing he won’t notice the ‘to you’, or think about what it might mean. ‘I have one more question: did Pollard say anything else, apart from what you’ve told me? Anything at all.’

‘Yes.’ Dom looks trapped. I know how he feels. I also know I’m not prepared to feel it for much longer. ‘He told me Kevin Cater admitted lying to us about his children’s names. Cater told him he’d been reluctant to reveal the real names because he was worried you had a strange obsession with his children.’

‘Did he or Yanina admit that they both pretended she was Jeanette when we went round?’

‘I don’t know. That wasn’t mentioned. And that was a second question. You said only one. I mean it, Beth. You can let this take over your life if you want, but I’m not letting it take over mine. If you want Pollard to do something else …’

‘I don’t want him to do anything.’

‘He spooned it.’ Zannah’s voice rings with contempt.

‘I’m the one who needs to find out what’s going on,’ I say, thinking about Pam Swain’s podcast exercise: you imagine that each choice goes amazingly well, and then you choose which of those ideal outcomes would be the most ideal. It doesn’t work at all. My choice number two was leaving it up to Pollard to do what needs to be done. That’s the one I chose, in my head, and look how it’s turned out.

Or maybe Pam’s exercise works brilliantly …

Yes. It does. You can’t choose between two alternatives without thinking realistically about the people involved.

With Pollard being who he is, with his level of interest and care, and doing things in the way that he does them as a result, choice number two has already gone as well as it could have. For it to go any better, you’d need to replace Pollard with someone more determined, more obsessed, more willing to do whatever it takes – ideally, someone who once loved Flora Braid and her children.

I’d need to replace him with me. Which means choice number one is the right answer. ‘I have to do it myself,’ I tell Dom. ‘I’m the only person who can or ever would.’

‘What does that mean?’ he asks. ‘Please don’t say what I think you’re about to say.’