Haven't They Grown(60)
‘Change really is the most frightening thing,’ says Pam with a sigh.
I know my next line in this dialogue, and Pam just gave me my cue. ‘It’s true,’ I say. ‘But change is good for us. If we never make any changes that scare us at first, we end up missing out.’ I vary the wording slightly each time Pam and I have this conversation.
‘Yes,’ she says quickly. ‘I think one of the worst mistakes we make is investing so much significance in details of our lives that don’t matter at all. We can just choose. It doesn’t matter all that much, and maybe there’s no wrong choice.’
‘Mm-hmm.’
‘It’s like me, with moving house,’ says Pam, as if she’s never said it before. ‘Or rather, not moving house. I know I could live somewhere nicer, quieter and for half the price. I don’t like living on a busy street in the centre of a town. But Ed loved the house, and I’ve lived in it since we got married. The thought of moving’s frightening. I might not be able to be me in a different house – that’s what I say to myself. But that’s rubbish, of course.’
‘And you’ll still be you if you stay where you are,’ I say cheerily. Here is where the discussion always stalls. Pam will change the subject now, and we’ll spend the rest of our hour together talking about other things. I don’t mind the repetitive element of my sessions with her. She seems to need it, and I keep hoping that one day she’ll pluck up the courage to do what she so obviously wants, on some level, to do: sell her enormous townhouse that’s much too big for her now that Ed’s died and her children have all left home, and move to a cottage in a country village.
I swore to myself that I would never advise her directly, or tell her that’s what I think she ought to do, even though sometimes I’m tempted to scream, ‘Just do it and stop fretting!’ I’m not sure whether she would prefer a new house to her current one, but I’m convinced she’d feel happier and more confident if she demonstrated to herself that she’s brave enough to take a risk once in a while and live with the consequences, whatever they might be.
‘So, what’s been keeping you so busy?’ she asks. ‘It’s not like you to cancel on me twice in one week.’
‘I know. I’m sorry.’
‘No need to apologise! I know you wouldn’t do it if it wasn’t necessary. You’re so reliable. I was a bit worried about you, that’s all. Is everything okay on the home front?’
‘Fine. There was something I had to pursue. Something I can’t really talk about, I’m afraid, but nothing for you to worry about.’
‘Well, you pursue away!’ she says. ‘You’re the sort of person who’d make a success of whatever you decided to do.’
‘Am I?’
‘Oh, yes,’ Pam says confidently.
Apart from persuading PC Pollard to check on the Cater children. We still haven’t heard anything from him. I wanted to ring him this morning, but Dom said we ought to give it more time. ‘If he doesn’t get back to us by the end of Thursday, we can ring him then,’ he said.
It’s Monday today. Pollard’s already had long enough. I’ve spent the days since we saw him trying to prove to Dom that I can put the Braids and the Caters to one side and get on with normal life. He’s been impressed and so have I. I’ve done better than I thought I would. Every time a new theory occurs to me and I’m about to say, ‘You know, another possibility …’ I manage to stop myself in time.
If I ring Pollard on Thursday and find out he’s done nothing …
‘He will have done,’ Dom assured me this morning. ‘If he’s doing it properly, through child protection channels, it might take a while. There’ll be processes they have to go through. It’s probably all underway. Be patient.’
I think again of Thomas Cater’s broken shoe, with its flapping sole. I don’t want to be patient. I want to do something. I know what I want to do, but I’ve been pushing it down whenever it surfaces in my mind because it’s too extreme.
‘Beth? There’s something worrying you, isn’t there?’ says Pam. ‘I’m not asking you to tell me what it is, but there’s something.’
‘Sorry, Pam. I was miles away.’ I try to sound light-hearted. ‘Something I’m trying to figure out, that’s all. How to take a particular project forward.’
‘You can’t think how to get to where you want to be – is that it?’
‘No, I know how to get there. It’s whether I should go at all – that’s the problem. If and when I arrive, I might find it’s the last place I want to be.’ It’s hard to discuss it without any of the specifics.
‘I’ve been listening to an excellent podcast,’ Pam says as I pour some more oil into my hands to rub into her back. ‘I tell you, since Ed died, podcasts have saved my life. Anyway, this one said that you can fear change and still allow change to happen if it’s necessary.’
‘Sounds good, but fear’s not my problem. It’s more a straight choice. Deciding what to do between two options that are diametric opposites.’
1) Do whatever I have to do to find out what’s going on with Flora and her family. 2) Leave it to PC Pollard.
‘Ah, well, this podcast had something to say about choices too,’ says Pam. ‘And indecision. Mind you, it hasn’t managed to help me resolve to move house yet. Though if it does, it’ll be thanks to one particularly useful piece of advice.’