Haven't They Grown(49)

Dom looks appalled, understandably. ‘Why the hell did you keep it? Why not chuck it in the rubbish once you’ve gone as far as cutting it up? What did Flora say? Anyone cut one of our kids out of a photograph, I’d punch their lights out.’

‘I didn’t give her a chance to say anything. I started talking at a million miles an hour – saying how sorry I was, that I didn’t know what had come over me. She was upset, but she said she understood. I explained how angry I’d been – that she’d not told me, and then sent the card and the photo, assuming I knew. She apologised for forgetting to tell me. She cried. It was a bit of an apology-fest all round … and we both knew that was it, that we’d never see or speak to each other again.’

‘Jealousy,’ Dom says. ‘That was what came over you. Understandably, I suppose.’

‘What? No. You mean the miscarriage?’ I try to fight the feeling of disappointment that’s rising inside me. Dom’s bound to think this. What else would he think? How can he know what I’ve never told him?

‘Me losing a pregnancy had nothing to do with it,’ I say. ‘You might not believe that, but it’s true.’

‘Then why the hell did you cut a baby out of a photo?’

‘Because Flora never told me about her, and I was … more hurt than you can probably imagine. When she got pregnant with Thomas, she told me straight away. When I knew I was pregnant with Zannah, I rang Flora within ten minutes of taking the test. I think I told her before I told you. You were in a meeting and I couldn’t get hold of you …’

Dom waves impatiently to indicate that he doesn’t care about not being told first.

‘When we both got pregnant a second time, same thing: Flora rang me straight after she’d told Lewis and her mum. I rang her within an hour of knowing I was pregnant with Ben. With my third pregnancy, it was different. I told Flora because I always had before, not because I really wanted to. Lewis had inherited his fortune by then, and … I don’t know if it was us or them, but somehow the idea of this huge wealth that they suddenly had came between us.’

‘Did it?’

‘I didn’t talk to you about it because I wanted to pretend it wasn’t happening. You didn’t notice or care, because Lewis never mattered to you the way Flora mattered to me. But we saw them a bit less, and it was awkward when we did see them. And I thought it had to be the money that had made things different, but … thinking about it now, the change happened at the same time that Flora must have found out she was pregnant with Georgina. Oh, God, Dom, I’ve been such a terrible friend.’

‘You mean cutting up the photo?’

‘Not only that.’ I blink back tears. ‘I used to think that defacing a happy family photo like a psycho was the worst thing I’d done. Not any more.’

‘Beth, what are you talking about?’

‘I’m trying to tell you!’

‘Sorry. Go on.’

‘When I had the miscarriage, I had to tell everyone who knew I’d been pregnant. Including Flora. She was really nice on the phone. Sympathetic. I thought, “Maybe we’ll be okay, maybe the awkwardness between us was just a blip and now things’ll go back to normal.” We talked about meeting up and she said she’d ring me to arrange something, but she never did. We didn’t see or hear from her or Lewis at all, for months. It was like they’d forgotten us completely. And then, just before Christmas, those arrived.’ I nod at the card and photo pieces.

‘You mean …?’

‘Yep. Flora had been pregnant and had a baby and not told me. Not the day she found out, like she had with Thomas and Emily, and not ever. She went through an entire pregnancy and birth without telling me. I had no idea. And then suddenly, just before Christmas, a card arrives signed from all of them, including Georgina, and there’s the photo of the five of them and … it’s as if Flora’s forgotten, or doesn’t care enough to be aware of it, that’s she’s had another baby and told me nothing about it. That’s how I found out. From being sent that.’ I point to the evidence: evidence of Flora’s awful behaviour as well as mine.

‘I rang her. Soon as I’d finished crying, cutting up the photo, hiding what I’d done – inadequately, as it turned out – I rang Flora. She sounded normal. Well, normal for New Rich Flora. I thought, “She has no idea why I’m ringing.” I said, “I got your Christmas card. Flora, I didn’t know you’d had another baby. I didn’t even know you were pregnant.”’

‘What did she say?’

‘She sounded puzzled at first. She said, “Didn’t you? You must have known!” Then there was this long, horrible silence, during which she must have realised I couldn’t have known because she never told me. She’s not stupid, and she knows I’m not either. We both knew that any charade of us still being best friends was finished.’

‘Maybe she didn’t tell you because of the miscarriage,’ Dom says. ‘She didn’t want to rub salt into the wound.’

‘No. There was no planning or strategy. If she’d thought about it, she’d have known that for me to find out in the way I did would be the most hurtful thing of all. She just wasn’t thinking about me at all. At the time, I thought it was because she didn’t give a shit about me any more.’