Dead Until Dark (Sookie Stackhouse #1)(54)

“Do you think I would ever hurt you, Sookie?” His voice was quiet and rustling, like feet through dry grass.

“No. Oddly enough, I don’t think you would hurt me, even if you were really mad at me.”

“Then . . . ?”

“It’s like dating the Godfather, Bill. I’m scared to say anything around you now. I’m not used to my problems being solved that way.”

“I love you.”

He’d never said it before, and I might almost have imagined it now, his voice was so low and whispery.

“Do you, Bill?” I didn’t raise my face, kept my forehead pressed against my knees.

“Yes, I do.”

“Then you have to let my life get lived, Bill, you can’t alter it for me.”

“You wanted me to alter it when the Rattrays were beating you.”

“Point taken. But I can’t have you trying to fine-tune my day-to-day life. I’m gonna get mad at people, people are gonna get mad at me. I can’t worry about them being killed. I can’t live like that, honey. You see what I’m saying?”

“Honey?” he repeated.

“I love you,” I said. “I don’t know why, but I do. I want to call you all those gooshy words you use when you love someone, no matter how stupid it sounds since you’re a vampire. I want to tell you you’re my baby, that I’ll love you till we’re old and gray—though that’s not gonna happen. That I know you’ll always be true to me—hey, that’s not gonna happen either. I keep running up against a brick wall when I try to tell you I love you, Bill.” I fell silent. I was all cried out.

“This crisis came sooner than I thought it would,” Bill said from the darkness. The crickets had resumed their chorus, and I listened to them for a long moment.

“Yeah.”

“What now, Sookie?”

“I have to have a little time.”

“Before . . . ?”

“Before I decide if the love is worth the misery.”

“Sookie, if you knew how different you taste, how much I want to protect you . . .”

I could tell from Bill’s voice that these were very tender feelings he was sharing with me. “Oddly enough,” I said, “that’s what I feel about you. But I have to live here, and I have to live with myself, and I have to think about some rules we gotta get clear between us.”

“So what do we do now?”

“I think. You go do whatever you were doing before we met.”

“Trying to figure out if I could live mainstream. Trying to think of who I’d feed on, if I could stop drinking that damn synthetic blood.”

“I know you’ll—feed on someone else besides me.” I was trying very hard to keep my voice level. “Please, not anyone here, not anyone I have to see. I couldn’t bear it. It’s not fair of me to ask, but I’m asking.”

“If you won’t date anyone else, won’t bed anyone else.”

“I won’t.” That seemed an easy enough promise to make.

“Will you mind if I come into the bar?”

“No. I’m not telling anyone we’re apart. I’m not talking about it.”

He leaned over, I could feel the pressure on my arm as his body pressed against it.

“Kiss me,” he said.

I lifted my head and turned, and our lips met. It was blue fire, not orange-and-red flames, not that kind of heat: blue fire. After a second, his arms went around me. After another, my arms went around him. I began to feel boneless, limp. With a gasp, I pulled away.

“Oh, we can’t, Bill.”

I heard his breath draw in. “Of course not, if we’re separating,” he said quietly, but he didn’t sound like he thought I meant it. “We should definitely not be kissing. Still less should I want to throw you back on the porch and fuck you till you faint.”

My knees were actually shaking. His deliberately crude language, coming out in that cold sweet voice, made the longing inside me surge even higher. It took everything I had, every little scrap of self-control, to push myself up and go in the house.

But I did it.



IN THE FOLLOWING week, I began to craft a life without Gran and without Bill. I worked nights and worked hard. I was extra careful, for the first time in my life, about locks and security. There was a murderer out there, and I no longer had my powerful protector. I considered getting a dog, but couldn’t decide what kind I wanted. My cat, Tina, was only protection in the sense that she always reacted when someone came very near the house.

I got calls from Gran’s lawyer from time to time, informing me about the progress of winding up her estate. I got calls from Bartlett’s lawyer. My great-uncle had left me twenty thousand dollars, a great sum for him. I almost turned down the legacy. But I thought again. I gave the money to the local mental health center, earmarking it for the treatment of children who were victims of molestation and rape.

They were glad to get it.

I took vitamins, loads of them, because I was a little anemic. I drank lots of fluids and ate lots of protein.

And I ate as much garlic as I wanted, something Bill hadn’t been able to tolerate. He said it came out through my pores, even, when I had garlic bread with spaghetti and meat sauce one night.

I slept and slept and slept. Staying up nights after a work shift had me rest-deprived.