You Owe Me a Murder(53)

“No.” The headache I’d faked to get out of going with my group was developing for real. Trying to keep up with Nicki’s conversational train was like navigating a carnival fun house. You’d turn one way and it would be a dead end. You’d go in a new direction and think you were going the right way and then run smack into a mirror. Up was down, right was left, and nothing made sense.

“I worked for a summer as a lifeguard. Lousy job, by the way, sounds way better than it really is,” Nicki said as an aside. “One of the things we were warned about in our training is that if someone is going down, they’ll do anything. They’re in survival mode. They’ll try to crawl up your body to get out of the water. All that matters to them is getting their head clear so they can breathe.”

“Okay.”

Nicki took another long sip of her water. “That’s my mum. It’s bad enough that she’s going down, but she’s trying to take me with her. She’s drowning in regret for her horrid decisions. She drinks too much. Then she falls for these guys who are total wankers and is surprised every time when they show their true colors. And then that makes her want to drink more, and that takes us full circle back to more bad decisions. She got a decent settlement from my dad when they split, and my grandparents left her money. She doesn’t have to work, but she’s spending cash like she’s trying to punish someone. Except she’s the only one who’s going to get hurt.”

“Why don’t you move out?”

Nicki rocked back and forth on her heels. “It’s not that easy.”

I wanted to pull my hair out in frustration. “It’s a hell of a lot easier than murdering her.” I realized my voice was getting louder and forced myself to quiet down.

“God, you have a flair for drama.” Nicki tossed her empty bottle into a recycling bin with a loud clank. “I chose you because I thought you were more of a scientist, but now you’re acting like you’re trying out for the Globe Theatre summer series.

“My mum is spending every last pound she has in the bank. Money that my grandparents meant to be for my university education. Maybe even to buy a small flat in the city. If I move out, I’ll get none of that. My mum will cut me off to punish me for leaving. What I will get is an earful. How I’ve abandoned her just like my dad.” Nicki’s eyes narrowed and her normally calm demeanor broke as she spat out her last words. “She’s used to getting her way. She thinks she’s entitled to what she has, but I intend to teach her she’s wrong.”

I seized on what Nicki had said. “So, this is about money.”

She sighed dramatically, her shoulders dropping. “It’s partly about money. It’s also about my freedom, which doesn’t come without a cost after all. It’s about doing what’s right. And I know you don’t believe it, but it’s also about helping my mum.”

I choked on the spit in my mouth. “Are you kidding? Getting me to kill her is doing her a favor?”

“Yes.” Nicki paused. “Do you think things are going to get better for her? Because I don’t. She’s going to keep drinking. She’s going to end up broke with a liver that gives out. If she goes now, it’s ending all of that before it gets worse, before she ends up in some shitty bed-sit that she can barely afford while being on the dole. My mum’s going to keep spiraling down. She’s going to be miserable. And she’s going to try to take me with her. Just like a drowning victim.”

“She could turn her life around.”

“Please. Let’s not bother talking about things that are never going to happen. Let’s keep the focus on finding a way you can do it that doesn’t freak you out too much. I don’t want you running off with things unfinished.”

“It doesn’t matter what you say. I’m never going to think the solution is killing your mom.” I could hear the quaver in my own voice.

Nicki stopped walking and turned to me so we were face-to-face. “You don’t have to think it’s the best solution for me, or my mum. But you better realize it’s the only solution to the problem you’ve got.” Nicki tossed me my phone and it bounced off my chest. I caught it just before it hit the ground. She waved and then melted into the crowd of tourists.

I backed away from her. I refused to believe that homicide was my only solution, but I was scared. I couldn’t go to the police or she would make it look as though I had murdered Connor. I couldn’t tell my parents about her; with my past, they’d never believe me. I couldn’t bear to tell Alex—?the last thing I wanted to do was enmesh him in this black hole. Emily was too far away to give advice, and this wasn’t the kind of thing I could put in a letter. Every direction I turned mentally, a door slammed shut, closing me in tighter and tighter until I felt ready to scream.





Twenty-Four


August 25


6 Days Remaining


I’ve knowingly killed only one thing in my life. I still have nightmares about it. It happened the summer between sophomore and junior years. My mom had gotten me a job helping a woman that she knew through church. Betty was old. Not like parent old, but seriously ancient—?great-great-grandparent old. She’d shrunk down into a question mark and her skin was thin, as if she were disappearing one layer at a time. I worried that if I touched her, her flesh would tear away from the bone like wet tissue paper.