You Owe Me a Murder(20)

August 18


13 Days Remaining


I felt like a puppet that had had its strings cut. I collapsed to the floor. Alex dropped down next to me. There was a strange smell in the air, like hot metal. Coppery, like burning pennies. I struggled to get up. My legs kicked out and my hands slid across the filthy tile floor, which was gritty under my palms. I was desperate to get away, but my body wouldn’t obey. Reality felt broken and choppy, as though I were missing frames in a movie.

“Whoa, take it easy, you’ve had a shock.” Alex put his arm behind me and helped me sit up. He passed me his water, but I waved it off. There was still a loud buzzing in my ears.

“Connor,” I said.

“Yeah,” Alex said, not able to meet my eyes. He looked pale and shaken and I wondered if he’d seen it too. Not it. Connor.

“You ready to stand?”

I nodded. There were more transit cops on the platform, but everyone else had vanished. My glance shot to the edge. The shoe was still there. I began shaking. Alex slipped his arm around my waist and stood, pulling me up with him.

“If she’s okay, you need to clear out of here,” one of the transit cops said. “Did she hit her head?”

“No,” Alex said. “She didn’t pass out, just collapsed.” He pulled me closer, his lips almost touching my ear. “I told Tasha I’d get you back to Metford. Can you walk?”

I nodded, but I wasn’t sure that I could. My limbs didn’t seem connected in any logical way. My legs felt as if they were different lengths, and the bones that should have held me up were like rubber, threatening to give way at any moment. Alex led me to the escalator, putting me in front of him so that I wouldn’t fall back down.

I stopped short as soon as we exited the station. It was bright and sunny; the clouds had blown away. People were walking around the sidewalks with purpose. One woman was laughing into her phone, a loud donkey-like bray—?ha-haaaa-ha-haaaa. I put my hands over my ears and closed my eyes, trying to get things to make sense. Alex led me over to a park bench and I sank down.

“I’m going to get you some ginger ale.” Alex sprinted off.

Connor was dead. There was no doubt in my mind. I winced. The last thing I’d said to him was “Fuck off.”

Alex dropped into the seat next to me and spun the cap off a bottle. “Here, drink this.” He pressed the soda into my hands.

The fizzy burn of the ginger filled my mouth and for a second I wasn’t sure I could swallow it. “Thanks,” I managed.

Alex rubbed his palms on his jeans and then shrugged. “I have no idea why I got ginger ale. That’s what my mom makes me drink when I feel sick.”

The sugar in the drink seemed to be cutting through the fog in my head. I no longer felt as lightheaded. “Sorry, my body just sorta gave out there,” I said.

“It was pretty bad,” Alex said. “You’re probably in shock.”

“What happened?” I asked. “I mean, did he just fall?”

“I don’t know. I was watching that older couple and then I heard the scream.” He shook his head as if he wanted to clear it.

I drained the rest of the bottle. I felt the need to explain. Alex didn’t even know that I’d dated Connor. “You know, Connor and—?” My voice cracked, as if the words were too sharp to get out.

“Hey, don’t worry about anything right now. Let’s just get you back.”

As we walked toward Metford, I told myself what had happened between Connor and me didn’t matter. It didn’t change anything. Chiming in to make sure everyone knew we’d once gone out was nothing but a grab for attention. A way to make a tragedy about me. Even Connor deserved better than that.



* * *





The Metford desk clerk pointed us toward the library. Sophie passed each of us a mug as we came in.

“The cafeteria made up a bunch of tea for us.” She nodded to the mugs. “Near as I can tell, they put about a pound of sugar in it. Something about the hot and sweet is supposed to be good for this kind of thing. There are cookies, too.” She bent over to refill Kendra’s cup.

What kind of thing is this? I sipped the tea and winced at the heat that seared my tongue like a branding iron. “Thanks.”

“Is Miriam okay?” Alex asked.

“Tasha took her upstairs.”

“Jesus, what would make a guy do that?” Jamal asked. “If you want to take yourself out, that’s one thing, but why with a train?” His movements were jerky—?he kept jamming his hands into his pockets and then taking them out, rocking back and forth on his feet.

“You don’t know what happened,” Jazmin said. “This is bad enough without you making guesses. Maybe he just fell. Accidents happen.”

“Or maybe someone pushed him.”

Everyone turned to face Kendra, who had folded herself into a tiny ball in the corner of the sofa. Her mouth was pursed into a tight circle.

“What did you say to him?” Kendra continued. She was addressing me.

My hand started to shake. “What are you talking about?”

“You guys were fighting at the station.”

“No, we weren’t,” I lied.

“I heard you. So did Jamal.”

Jamal started as if shocked to find himself drawn into this scene. “Um, I didn’t hear much.”