Yolk(111)

“Yes.” She says it so quickly that a small laugh erupts from my mouth.

“Thanks a lot.”

She looks at me impatiently. “Who wouldn’t have wanted a boy? Everyone wants one of each. We were hoping for a boy with Ji-soo, too.”

My heart stops. I’ve never heard Mom’s dead baby’s name.

“Your other sister,” she says. Again, in a tone that’s shockingly unvarnished. “I would have been happy with three girls, too. That would have been wonderful, to gather all of you in my arms like a bouquet. My sweet daughters with your enormous heads.” She leans back in her chair. “You girls weren’t easy on the way out, let me tell you.”

“Mom?”

“Hmmm?”

“Where did you go?” I barrel on before I lose courage. I want to be able to tell June when she wakes up. “When you were gone for so long?”

She sighs. “Your father said you would ask,” she says. “I wonder when I’m going to start believing him.”

I stay silent. Hoping this time she’ll say what I need her to.

“I went to Korea,” she says. “I had to go home.”

“Why didn’t you bring us with you?”

She shakes her head. “That wasn’t your home. I can’t explain it. I needed to be in Korea. Your grandmother was furious, crying, hitting me every day, telling me I was a disgrace, but I just stayed at my childhood home and cried. And slept. I went to Ji-soo’s grave every day. That’s the only thing I did.”

I picture a small grave. A child’s grave.

“I missed you girls every day. I hope you believe me. I was haunted by thoughts of you. But Ji-soo needed me too. My body didn’t want to be in America. This life we chose, it was so hard. Your father and I had worked sixteen-hour days for over ten years. I thought I’d made a mistake. That I’d made a mistake to choose this life and that I’d brought you girls into it, which was unforgivable. But one morning, when I went to talk to her, it was pouring rain and then it cleared up. I was on my knees, clearing off the clumps of grass that were sticking to her, telling her about everything we’d seen, what our house was like, what the two of you were doing, and I felt a sense of calm wash over me. The horrible feeling, the weight that was pressing down the moment we landed in Texas, the way it would bear down on my chest until I couldn’t breathe, was lifted. I knew it was time to come back. To my real home. With you two and your father.”

She looks at me.

“I’m sorry I don’t have better words to describe it,” she says. “When you have children, you’ll understand.”

I picture my mother, in the suit she’d left in, in her blouse, on her knees. The way the dirt and small stones bit into them, ruining her pantyhose. I imagine her talking to her dead baby on a green hill.

I don’t know if I’ll ever understand what my mother felt. Whether it was grief for herself or her dead daughter that kept her away. I know what it’s like to want to leave. How it feels when the home you have is a mirage, an illusion. But I know that wherever I am, if June’s around, I’ll be okay. Even if she hates me a little. Because even when she hates me, she loves me the most.

“You know, the trick to taking care of your sister is letting her think she’s taking care of you.” She scoops my hand in hers. “I suspect you can ask your father the best way to do that since he does it so well with me.” This makes me laugh.

“Your unni needs you. You’re the only one who can get close enough to help. Be good to her. Especially when you two have to do this again.”

I give her a questioning look. “When it’s your turn to have children, you’ll have to be June, because after this surgery ‘Jayne’ won’t be able to. At least not according to your medical records. You’ll have to switch places and help each other again.”

My heart stops. I realize she’s right.

The thought of doing all of this over makes my soul leave my body. I can’t imagine how tiring it’s going to be. But I also love the idea of June’s name looking after both of us. Maybe my kid’s name will carry her Ji. Or maybe it will be inspired by a poison or a war general.

“Umma?”

“Hmm?”

I scooch low in my seat so I can put my big head on her bony shoulder. “What does Ji-soo mean?”

I feel her heartbeat in her small chest. “I never told you?” She pulls my hand closer so she can trace the characters on my palm with her finger.

I shake my head, eyes closed. “Tell me.”





resources


If you experience shame, obsession, and perfectionism around food and body weight, you are not alone. Please reach out to the support systems below.

The National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) is the largest nonprofit organization dedicated to supporting individuals and families affected by eating disorders.

Call or text: (800) 931-2237

For crisis situations, text “NEDA” to 741741 to be connected with a trained volunteer at Crisis Text Line.

www.nationaleatingdisorders.org

Overeaters Anonymous (OA) is a community of people who support each other in order to recover from compulsive eating and food behaviors. There are no dues or fees to join.

Call: (505) 891-2664