White Stag (Permafrost #1)(73)

He shook his head. “We’ll be drawn together, someway, somehow.”

I thought back to the sliver of moonlight outside. The new moon wasn’t long off. By the time it came, we might all be dead. “It must be why goblins are flocking to Lydian,” I said. “His power is showing, and they’re all jockeying for a piece of it.”

Soren snorted. “Yeah, none to me, though. Guess that says something about my odds.”

He slumped down, burying his head in his hands. It tugged at my heart to see him look so defeated. We’d figure out a way to defeat Lydian; I was sure of it.

Feeling stronger, I sat next to him, leaning against the dark rock. He lifted his head, eyes flickering up and down my body as his shoulders tensed.

“You really shouldn’t do that,” he whispered as he closed his eyes.

“Do what?” His eyelids were pale blue under the soft light of the cave. He leaned his head back. His hair was loose again, and it spilled across his shoulders and chest. It was so long. It took decades for things to age even a month in the Permafrost. How long had he spent growing out his hair? I scowled. It wasn’t fair that he looked the way he did and I looked like a scarred mess.

“Tempt me so much. It might not end well for you.” His eyelashes fluttered.

“Don’t be absurd. How could I tempt you?”

“I thought I explained it back in the caverns.”

“I know what you said, but I also know I’m not very tempting-looking. I’m not blind.” If I could hear my bitterness, he sure could.

He opened his eyes and leaned forward. Even with both of us sitting, he still towered over me. He rested a finger under my chin and tilted my head so I met his gaze. “You drive me mad, Janneke. Completely and utterly mad. I’m probably going to die in a few days, and all I can think of is you.”

“I’m not beautiful,” I said. “Every inch of my body is marked by others.”

“Do you think I care about that? That scars crisscross your back and stomach and thighs? Do you think any of it matters to me?” he whispered fiercely.

“No, but it matters to me.”

“I could be surrounded by unearthily beautiful, naked women, and I would prefer you as you are, fully clothed.”

A shiver went through me and lingered behind my navel. When he put it like that …

“Sometimes I think I’m losing it,” I whispered.

“Hmm? Why is that?” He released his hold on my chin and skimmed his fingers down the length of my calf.

“I think any human would think they were losing it in this situation.”

“You’re not just any human,” he countered.

His hand moved up a little higher and another pleasant shudder rippled through me, leaving an aftershock in its wake. “I shouldn’t like this,” I said. “I shouldn’t feel the hotness inside of me. I shouldn’t stare at you like I do. I’m supposed to hate you. Gods, when did I stop hating you?”

He laughed softly. “I don’t think you’ve hated me in a long time. You just hated yourself.”

“Maybe I still do.”

“Now, that’s a lie if I’ve ever heard one,” Soren said.

I closed my eyes as his hand roamed up and splayed against my ribcage. “This shouldn’t feel nice,” I whispered. “Not to me.”

“Why not?” he asked. “It obviously does, doesn’t it?”

I answered with a low moan. “A wolf shouldn’t lie with a rabbit.”

He laughed louder this time. “You’re no rabbit, Janneke. And I know you don’t truly think that.”

“Those are the words I hear my family screaming in the back of my head. I know, I know that choosing what makes me happy, choosing my own life, doesn’t make me a traitor or mean I’m turning my back on humanity. My family is dead and I’m alive; I know that they would want me to be happy and for me to live my own life. I know it’s all in my head, but it bothers me anyway.”

“It takes time to forgive yourself, even if there’s nothing to forgive in the first place,” Soren said softly.

I opened my eyes and found he was closer than before. His lips were right in front of me, and I burned with the desire to kiss him and with the knowledge that if I did, I would say goodbye to any ounce of normalcy I had left in life. But I couldn’t quite find it in me to care.

“I think I’m beginning to.” I smiled.

He leaned forward until our foreheads touched, and in that quiet moment the rest of the world dropped away.

I reached out and ran a hand through his hair. “You’re so dirty.”

“Are you suggesting we take a bath?” he mused. “The water does look quite inviting, even for my tastes.”

I stood, stretching my aching muscles. The feeling in my hand was slowly returning, but I found I didn’t really care. All that mattered was the heat in my body, the pressure building up in the bottom of my belly, and Soren. Most definitely Soren.

He was fully clothed with the new things Skadi’d given him. A hooded tunic lined with rabbit fur and a jerkin, fine hunting boots and riding gloves, bearskin pants that hung low on his hips. In the corner there was a pile of leather armor. He reached for my hand and placed it on the strings of his jerkin.