What If It's Us(66)

“I’m freaking out.”

“Oh.” His eyes widen. “Okay.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“No! Arthur.” He kisses me gently and opens his arms. “It’s fine, okay? Come here.”

I tuck my head onto his shoulder, and he wraps his arms around me tightly.

“I’m really sorry,” I whisper.

“Don’t be sorry.” He kisses me again. “If you’re not ready, you’re not ready. That’s fine.”

“I am, though! I thought I was.” I bury my face. “I just—I don’t know.”

“So we try again another day. No big deal.”

“We don’t have a lot of other days.”

He rests his head on mine. “I know.”

We’re quiet for a moment, just breathing.

“Are you disappointed?” I ask.

“No way. I’m just glad you’re here.”

“Yeah, me too.” My throat feels thick. “God. Ben.”

“Mmm?”

“I really like you. It’s kind of scary.”

He shifts back to look at my face. “Scary why?”

“Well, for one thing, you make me not want to leave New York.”

“I don’t want you to leave either,” he says.

“Really?”

He smiles. “You think I’m half-assing this?”

“I don’t know.” I sigh. “I don’t know what it’s supposed to look like or feel like. I just know I really like you. This is serious for me.”

“I feel serious about you too.”

“Really?” I say again.

“God, Arthur.” He kisses me. “Te quiero. Estoy enamorado. You don’t even know.”

And I don’t speak a word of Spanish, but when I look at his face, I get it.





Chapter Twenty-Six


Ben


Monday, July 30

Summer has really stepped its game up.

I may have lost some pretty huge firsts to Hudson, but dating Arthur feels like a do-over. Every kiss with Arthur feels like discovery, like we become more comfortable with each breath. And we haven’t had sex yet, which is great. Not great like I didn’t want to do it, because wow, I really did and I still do. But great because we’re not falling outside of ourselves just to make the other person happier. I’m right for him and he’s right for me and that feels beyond right—the universe knew it was love before we did.

I still don’t know what comes next for us after Arthur leaves. His seventeenth birthday is on August 4. I don’t have the money to buy him something flashy, but my parents don’t really drop bank on gifts either. They make them. Instead of buying Pa a coffeemaker that would have to be replaced within a year, Ma made him an I love you, Diego mug that he cherishes. Like, if the apartment is on fire, he’s grabbing us and that mug. And instead of buying Ma a new prayer book, I helped Pa make an audio file of him reciting her favorite Bible verses to listen to every morning.

For my gift, I’m writing Arthur into The Wicked Wizard War. The small, mighty Arturo who is clueless to what chill is. He’s traveled from the land of Great Georgia to Ever York to build his reputation in some skills so he can gain access to House Yale. But then he meets Ben-Jamin, and the rest of the story is just going to be Ben-Jamin and Arturo becoming kings who make out a lot.

But before Arthur’s big day, we’re all celebrating the epic birthdays of Harry Potter and J. K. Rowling at Dylan’s tomorrow. We’re going to watch Sorcerer’s Stone and eat Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans and send a photo to J. K. Rowling on Twitter and see if she likes our tweet.

I’m so happy everything is coming together.

Though no matter how happy I am, summer school Mondays always especially suck. Thankfully there’s only ten minutes left and then later on I get to hang with Arthur. He’s going to help me study and then we’re having dinner with my parents and Dylan.

A flash of lightning and loud clap of thunder draws everyone’s eyes to the window. Harriett takes a moody photo that will get her more likes in an hour than I would get in a week. And Hudson is the only one staring at his desk, deep in thought, while everyone gets excited over the first rain of this blistering month. Hudson suddenly turns to me like he could feel my gaze on him, and from the corner of my eye I can see he’s still staring.

“Let’s call it a day,” Mr. Hayes says at the front of class. “Quiz tomorrow on identifying subatomic particles. Just hang tight until it’s time to go.”

Harriett flips around in her chair and talks to Hudson. That used to be me and her in English class. At the beginning, we would talk about what music we liked and then it became all things Hudson. Now we have awkward waves behind Hudson’s back.

Hudson gets out of his chair and comes my way, probably to use the back door to get to the bathroom sooner. But then he hovers over my side.

“Can I sit for a sec?”

“Uh. Sure.”

Suddenly Hudson and I are face-to-face for the first time since the second day of summer school. “How’s it going?” he asks, flicking his fingernails against each other.

“Um. Fine.” I really don’t know what this is. “Everything okay?”