Uprooted(99)

So we waited outside and held back against the wall instead while the council came pouring out, a torrent of lords and soldiers. I had thought the queen would come behind them, with servants to help her walk. But she didn’t: she came out in the center of the crowd. She was wearing the circlet, Ragostok’s circlet, the one he’d been working on. The gold caught the light, and the rubies shone above her golden hair. She wore red silk, too, and all of the courtiers gathered around her, sparrows around a cardinal bird. It was the king who came behind the rest, talking in low voices with Father Ballo and two councilors, an afterthought.

Kasia looked at me. We would have had to shove through the crowd to get to her—brazen, but we could have done it; Kasia could have made a way for us. But the queen looked so different. The stiffness seemed to have faded, and her silence. She was nodding to the lords around her, she was smiling; she was one of them again, one of the actors moving on the stage, as graceful as any of them. I didn’t move. She glanced aside for a moment, almost towards us. I didn’t try to catch her eye; instead I caught Kasia’s arm, and pressed her farther back into the wall with me. Something held me like the instinct of a mouse in a hole, hearing the breath of the owl’s wing overhead.

The guards fell in after the court with last looks at me; the hallway stood empty. I was trembling. “Nieshka,” Kasia said. “What is it?”

“I’ve made a mistake,” I said. I didn’t know just what, but I’d done something wrong; I felt the dreadful certainty of it sinking down through me, like watching a penny falling away down a deep well. “I’ve made a mistake.”

Kasia followed me through the hallways, the narrow stairs, almost running by the end, back to my small room. She was watching me, worried, while I shut the door hard behind us and leaned against it, like a child hiding. “Was it the queen?” Kasia said.

I looked at her standing in the middle of my room, firelight golden on her skin and through her hair, and for one horrible moment she was a stranger wearing Kasia’s face: for one moment I’d brought the dark in with me. I whirled away from her to the table. I’d brought a few branches of pine into my bedroom, to have them nearby. I took a handful of needles and burned them on the hearth and breathed in the smoke, the sharp bitter smell, and I whispered my cleansing spell. The strangeness faded. Kasia was sitting on the bed watching me, unhappy. I looked up at her miserably: she’d seen suspicion in my eyes.

“It’s no more than I’ve thought myself,” she said. “Nieshka, I should—maybe the queen, maybe both of us, should be—” Her voice shook.

“No!” I said. “No.” But I didn’t know what to do. I sat on the hearth, panting, afraid, and then I turned abruptly to the fire, cupping my hands, and I called up my old practice illusion, the small and determinedly thorny rose, the vining branches of the rosebush climbing sluggishly over the sides of the fire-screen. Slowly, singing, I gave it perfume, and a handful of humming bees, and leaves curling at the edges with ladybugs hiding; and then I made Sarkan on the other side of it. I called up his hands beneath mine: the long spindly careful fingers, the smooth-rubbed pen calluses, the heat of his skin radiating; and he took shape on the hearth, sitting beside me, and we were sitting in his library, too.

I was singing my short illusion spell back and forth, feeding a steady silver thread of magic to it. But it wasn’t like the heart-tree had been, the day before. I was looking at his face, his frown, his dark eyes scowling at me, but it wasn’t really him. It wasn’t just an illusion that I needed, not just the image of him or even a smell, or a sound, I realized. That wasn’t why the heart-tree had lived, down in that throne room. It had grown out of my heart, out of fear and memory and the churning of horror in my belly.

The rose was cupped in my hands. I looked at Sarkan on the other side of the petals, and let myself feel his hands cupped around mine, the places where his fingertips just barely brushed against my skin and where the heels of my palms rested in his. I let myself remember the alarming heat of his mouth, the crush of his silk and lace between our bodies, his whole length against me. And I let myself think about my anger, about everything I’d learned, about his secrets and everything he’d hidden; I let go of the rose and gripped the edges of his coat to shake him, to shout at him, to kiss him—

And then he blinked and looked at me, and there was fire glowing somewhere behind him. His cheek was grimy with soot, flecks of ash in his hair, and his eyes were reddened; the fire on the hearth crackled, and it was the distant crackle of fire in the trees. “Well?” he demanded, hoarse and irritated, and it was him. “We can’t do this for long, whatever you are doing; I can’t have my attention divided.”

My hands clenched on the fabric: I felt stitches going ragged and flecks of stinging ash on my hands, ash in my nostrils, ash in my mouth. “What’s happening?”

“The Wood’s trying to take Zatochek,” he said. “We’ve been burning it back every day, but we’ve lost a mile of ground already. Vladimir has sent what soldiers he could spare from the Yellow Marshes, but it’s not enough. Is the king sending any men?”

“No,” I said. “He’s—they’re starting another war with Rosya. The queen said Vasily of Rosya gave her to the Wood.”

“The queen spoke?” he said sharply, and I felt that same uneasy drumbeat of fear rise up in my throat again.