Two Can Keep a Secret(49)
It’s exactly the wrong thing to say. Resentment floods my veins, and I have to grip the phone extra tight to stop myself from hurling it to the ground. “Oh, really? You have a right to know? That’s rich coming from somebody who’s never told us anything that matters.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Our father? We’re not allowed to ask questions about him! Our grandmother? We barely knew her until we had to live with her! Our aunt? You had a twin sister, as close as me and Ezra are, and you never, ever talk about her. Now we’re stuck here watching the same horrible story unfold again and everybody’s talking about the first girl who went missing. Except us. We don’t know anything about Sarah because you won’t even say her name!”
I’m breathing hard, my heart pounding as I stalk through the park. I don’t know whether I’m relieved or horrified to finally be saying these things to Sadie. All I know is that I can’t stop.
“You’re not okay, Sadie. I mean, you get that, right? You’re not in rehab because of some freak accident that’ll be a funny story to tell at parties when you get out. You weren’t taking those pills to relax. I’ve spent years waiting for something like this to happen, and I thought … I was afraid …” Tears blur my vision and slide down my face. “This whole year I’ve been expecting that phone call. The one Nana got, and Melanie got. The one that says you’re never coming home.”
She’s been silent during my entire tirade, but this time, before I can check to see whether she’s hung up on me, I hear a choked sob. “I … can’t,” Sadie says in a ragged voice that I’d never recognize if I didn’t know it was her. “I can’t talk about her. It kills me.”
I’ve wandered near the games section, and I have to plug my free ear against the noise of the park. Ezra stands a short distance away, his arms folded and his face grave. “It’s killing you not to,” I say. She doesn’t answer, and I squeeze my eyelids shut. I can’t look at my brother right now. “Sadie, I know, okay? I know exactly how you must feel. Me and Ezra both do. It’s horrible what happened to Sarah. It sucks and it’s not fair and I’m so, so sorry. For you and for Nana and for her.” My mother’s sobs on the other end of the line pierce me like a knife to the heart. “And I’m sorry I yelled at you. I didn’t mean to. It’s just … I feel like we’re going to be stuck like this forever if we can’t talk about it.”
I open my eyes while I wait for her to answer. It’s almost dark now, and the park lights glow against the deep blue sky. Screams and catcalls fill the air and little kids chase one another with their parents a safe distance behind. All of Fright Farm’s success is based on how much people love to be scared in a controlled environment. There’s something deeply, fundamentally satisfying about confronting a monster and escaping unscathed.
Real monsters aren’t anything like that. They don’t let go.
“Do you know what I was doing the night Sarah disappeared?” Sadie asks in the same hoarse voice.
My reply is barely a whisper. “No.”
“Losing my virginity to my homecoming date.” She lets out a hysterical half laugh, half sob. “I was supposed to be with Sarah. But I blew her off. For that.”
“Oh, Sadie.” I don’t even realize I’ve sunk to the ground until my free hand touches grass. “It’s not your fault.”
“Of course it’s my fault! If I’d been with her she’d still be here!”
“You don’t know that. You can’t— You were just living your life. Being normal. You didn’t do anything wrong. None of this is your fault.”
“Would you feel that way? If something happened to Ezra when you were supposed to be with him?” I don’t answer right away, and she cries harder. “I can’t look at my mother. I couldn’t look at my father. I didn’t speak to him for almost a year before he died and then I drank my way through the entire funeral. You and your brother are the only thing I’ve ever done right since Sarah disappeared. And now I’ve ruined that too.”
“You didn’t ruin anything.” I say it automatically to comfort her, but as soon as the words are out of my mouth, I realize they’re true. Ezra and I might not have had the most stable childhood, but we never had any doubt that our mother loved us. She never put a job or a boyfriend ahead of us, and it wasn’t until the pills took hold that her haphazard parenting turned into actual neglect. Sadie’s made mistakes, but they’re not the kind that leave you feeling like you don’t matter. “We’re fine and we love you and please don’t do this to yourself. Don’t blame yourself for something so awful that you never could’ve seen coming.” I’m babbling now, my words tripping over themselves, and Sadie lets out a teary laugh.
“Listen to us. You wanted to talk, huh? Be careful what you wish for.”
There’s so much I want to say, but all I can manage is, “I’m glad we’re talking.”
“Me too.” She takes a deep, shuddering breath. “There’s more I should tell you. Not about Sarah, but about— Oh hell. I have to go, Ellery, I’m sorry. Please be careful there, and I’ll call again when I can.” Then she’s gone. I drop the phone from my ear and get to my feet as Ezra strides toward me, looking ready to burst.