Twelve Steps to Normal(32)

Once I caught on to how intoxicated he’d become before going to work, I started asking Lin for rides. I made excuses. My dad started an earlier shift, I’d say. It was easily believable. Nobody questioned it.

There was only one time when my friends became concerned. After school, Whitney, Raegan, and Lin came over to work on a biology project. My dad’s car wasn’t in the garage, so I assumed he was still at work. But when we walked into my kitchen, we saw the remains of plates scattered across the scuffed tile. Hundreds of pieces were deliberately smashed in every direction, the aftermath of another episode.

Nobody said anything. Not even me. It was Whitney who suggested we go to her house. I agreed, fighting back a lump in my throat as we walked back out the door.

When I came home that evening, my dad was passed out in his room. The TV was blasting some sitcom on full volume. The laugh track mocked me as I swept up the glass pieces in the kitchen, knowing he wouldn’t remember this in the morning.

Whitney texted me later that evening. I hadn’t wanted to talk about it at her place, and nobody pushed me on the topic. She told me not to be mad, but she’d told Jay. She was worried, she said. But I lied. I said it was fine, that we were fine.

Later that night, my phone chimed with a text. I’d expected it to be from Jay, but I was surprised to see it was from Alex.

ALEX: just finished the season 7 finale of crime boss. WTF.

I stared at the blinking cursor, attempting to form a response in my head. Without thinking about what I was doing, I typed a reply.

ME: can you meet up?

Alex didn’t hesitate.

ALEX: 7-Eleven?

ME: i’ll be there soon.

From what I could tell, Alex hadn’t pursued Lacey after the Sadie Hawkins dance. Our friendship had evolved into what it used to be, but I was still surprised that he was willing to meet me at 7-Eleven on a Saturday night.

Alex was already waiting for me when I arrived. He held out a cherry Slurpee for me, then motioned to the side of the building so we’d be out of sight since it was past our curfew.

I slumped to the ground, sitting with my back against the wall. He did the same.

“I’m sorry.” I mashed my straw against the ice. “My dad… he’s just…”

When I didn’t finish, Alex said, “You don’t have to be sorry for how you feel.”

My fingertips were chilled from the plastic cup. This is why I’d texted him. He was always so kind, so willing to listen without judgment.

So I went on. “He has his bad days, you know, because of…”

My throat tightened. I couldn’t stay Grams’s name without feeling a terrible ache in my chest.

But Alex nodded. He knew my situation.

“Anyway.” I took a long drink, hoping the cold would force back my tears. “It wasn’t exactly a good night.”

“Do you have someone who can help?” Alex asked after a moment.

I thought of Aunt June. “Yeah,” I told him. “My aunt would come if I asked.”

His brown eyes found mine. “You should. I mean, if you wanted. It’s just—” he broke off for a second. “You shouldn’t have to go through it alone, you know?”

I nodded, relief flooding my chest. I don’t know if it was his words or his presence or something else entirely, but I felt a little better.

“You know what Ana used to do when I was sad?” Alex said, a hint of a smile on his face.

Ana was his sister who was a year older than us. “What?” I asked.

Alex adjusted his position so that he was sitting in front of me. Then, ever so gently, he placed his fingertips on both sides of my head. The unexpectedness of his touch made me shiver.

“One, two, three, four, now you’re not sad anymore!”

He removed his hands. I laughed.

“I should have clarified that we were, like, six,” Alex said with a smile.

I found his gaze, feeling my heart lift. “I think it worked.”

We stayed there until midnight discussing Crime Boss and our summer plans and arguing over the best Slurpee flavors. It was Alex who finally suggested we head home, but not before walking me back to my street.

When I got back, I saw Jay had texted me. U ok? was all it said. I knew I should have opened up to him, but I was fine now. So that’s what I told him.

I look back at my father. I don’t want apologies. I want a do-over. I want to go back and change all the awful things that happened in the past for a more favorable future.

My fingers twist around my lotus necklace.

“I’m mad at you for not being better,” I say, surprised at how easily the words erupt from my mouth.

“I’m mad at me for that, too.”

“And I’m not ready to forgive you,” I continue. “It’s going to take a lot more than getting a job and cooking dinners and small talk to get me to trust you again.”

My dad nods. “I know that.”

I pick at a piece of my chipped desk. “So when are they leaving?”

He looks right at me, his eyes softening. “Your Aunt June took you in when you had nowhere else to go. Granted, I know that was one hundred percent my fault. But she still took you in.”

I’m quiet for a long moment. I know Aunt June didn’t have to open up her home to me, but the other option was foster care. There was no way she would have let that happen.