Time Bomb(8)

Or she wouldn’t.

Her mother always said things would be great. Cas used to believe her, but it had turned out that was stupid, because it was never true. Not now. Not when they moved here a year ago. Everyone had said it was for her father’s job, but they all knew differently.

It’ll be closer to Grammy and Pop-Pop’s farm. You’ll get to start fresh and make new friends. Everything is going to be so much better, Cas. If you just try, it’ll all be great.

Cas looked out the window again, twisted a lock of her long black hair around her fingers, and studied the school in the distance. She was glad she didn’t feel like running away or hiding when she looked at it anymore. Three stories of brick and steel and crappy people who judged everything because they thought they knew so much. They thought they understood all there was to know just by looking at her. They thought they knew her.

They didn’t. They didn’t know anything. No one did anymore.

“You’re so quiet, Cas.” Her mother glanced away from the road and over at her. “You know, we can always do homeschooling if you want. Or there’s the Catholic school you could go to, if you don’t want to come back here. I know your father and Dr. Nepali think you’ll be fine, but I want you to know you have options. After everything that happened, it’s okay that it takes time for you to feel all-the-way better, and if you want—”

“No.” Cas shook her head and mimicked her mother’s upbeat tone as she said, “Dad and Dr. Nepali are right. What happened is in the past. It happened somewhere else, and it’s not like I can change it, anyway. The only thing I can change is myself. I have to move on.”

Sneers in the hallway. Being tripped. Being mocked as she was pushed down. Friends scared to stand up for her. Friends too scared of people making fun of them or worse if they decided to stay friends. The desire for everything to go away. To just end it all because of something that had started as words on a screen. Or maybe it had started before, and Cas hadn’t noticed.

“Well, you still have time to change your mind. A new school is always an option.”

Not for her. After months of trying to make herself believe it would get better, Cas had made up her mind. For the first time in what seemed like forever, she was able to really focus and think about what she wanted. A new school wouldn’t change anything, because it couldn’t change what had happened. And it couldn’t change her.

She glanced behind her at the bag she’d stashed in the back seat as her mother pulled the SUV to a stop at the curb at the base of the dozens of steps that led to the main entrance.

“I can come in with you if you want. My errands can wait. Honey, how about I come in with you?”

Cas looked at her mom and for a moment wanted to say yes. She wanted to go back to the time when she could say yes and she and her mother would laugh at everything. But there was no going back.

“Once I get my schedule changed, I’m going to go practice for a while.” Cas opened the car door before her mother could insist on escorting Cas inside. “You don’t need to come in. Everything is going to be fine now. It’s like Dad said, I have to take charge of my life and stop whining about being unhappy. Whining won’t get me anywhere. I have to choose to change things.”

“Your father loves you, Cas,” Mom said as Cas opened the back door and grabbed the large turquoise bag off the seat. “He’s worried. You know how he gets when he’s worried.”

Worried was the wrong word. Disappointed was the right one. Cas should know. He’d been disappointed in her for longer than she probably knew.

“Well, I’m going to make sure he doesn’t have to worry anymore. I promise,” Cas said, shoving the door closed and turning toward the school that last year her father had assured her would make everything better.

A school with more than three thousand students will give you lots of options, Cassandra. With that many students, you’ll find people you have things in common with. No one will know anything about what happened before, so it should be easy for you to find friends. Just avoid anyone you don’t get along with, and everything will be different than it was before.

She looked up at the large staircases on either side of the incline that led to the main entrance above and remembered how she’d clung to her father’s words. How she’d looked at the sprawling brick-and-cement three-story building from the bottom of the steps with its narrow, shining glass windows and at the brand-new auditorium with its bright marquees welcoming everyone the first day of class. She’d felt a spurt of hope. She’d made herself believe that everything would magically be better. That she’d be better.

“I have my phone on in case you need me. I’ll be back soon,” Cas’s mother called. Cas nodded and tried not to care when her mother added, “I love you.”

“Me too, Mom,” Cas said, straightening her blue shirt. Then she hitched the bag on her shoulder and started walking toward the red-brick stairs that led up to the school that had been nothing but a disappointment. If she’d thought things would be any different at the smaller Catholic school her mother had been pushing her to consider, Cas would have tried it. But she’d learned that big school or little school didn’t make any difference. Nothing ever changed. It didn’t matter what she wore or how she acted or if she lost weight. People always judged.