Thick & Thin (Thin Love, #3)(72)
“I wanted it to.” He didn’t flinch or back away from me when I leaned forward, my fingers curling into his shirt on their own. “My God, Ransom, I did. But I wasn’t going to let you tie yourself to me when I couldn’t give you a family.”
“Fuck’s sake, Aly,” He grabbed my wrist, holding me still when I tried to pull away from him. His voice had lifted, cracked with the emotion, with his anger as he yelled at me. “You were my damn family!”
The seconds passed, inflated between us with the thick scent of kerosene from the fire pit as we watched each other. Ransom kept my hand still, gripping it even as my fingers relaxed from his collar. We were frozen in the charges laid before us, the flash of bitter memory that came between us like a wedge.
“It wasn’t the only reason,” I said, slipping my gaze to his. “You know it wasn’t.”
Ransom nodded, his features tightening as he looked at me. “I know that.” When I shook my head, unwilling to believe him, he came closer, catching my gaze. “You walked away from me because I didn’t see you, because I didn’t make our lives about anything but me and my career. Every damn thing was so one-sided. You lifted me up, gave me everything and I was too absorbed in what I wanted to see that.” The wind blew a strand of my hair against my face, catching in my eyes and Ransom moved it back, tucking it behind my ear. “But I see you now, ku`u lei. That recital, the new school, how hard you worked, what you’ve done, what you’ve accomplished. Aly, you did that with pure determination. You made successes for yourself without anyone at your back.” He cupped my face then, stilling my trembling chin as it moved. “You are such a badass woman, nani and I’m so damn proud of you.”
The tears came then, filling and falling from my eyes. I’d waited so long to hear those words and had no idea what they’d do to me if Ransom ever uttered them. Now he had and I saw the steel in his eyes, the determination, the honesty in them that kept his expressions still, as though saying the words out loud, to me, meant something to him as well.
But the truth was, it was too late. What he saw in me now was wonderful, what I had waited for so long, but it didn’t take away what I couldn’t give him. No matter how much I wanted it to. So much had changed while I was waiting.
I lowered my eyes, focusing on his knuckles as they kept my hand clasped at his chest. There was no way I could make this easier. “It doesn’t matter now.”
“Why?” He was shocked. He hadn’t considered that I might dismiss what he’d said, and to him it must have sounded like I was brushing him aside. “Because you’re so in love with Ethan?”
Ransom could be cruel when he was hurt and no doubt my agreeing to marry Ethan made that hurt run deep. Still, I didn’t appreciate the sarcasm in his tone. I jerked my hand from his shirt. “Don’t do that. Don’t turn this around…”
“You told me even he knows you aren’t all in with him.” I tried to move, but Ransom kept me still with one hand on the back of the chair I was sitting in. “You let me touch you.” Eyes closed tight, I let that slow growl of his words soak into my ears. His voice was a tease that licked against my senses, promising, provoking. Ransom’s voice was low, his fingers over my skin, across my face, feather light. “You let me taste you. You wouldn’t have if you were in love with him. This,” he said, grabbing my left hand, the ring glittering on my finger, “this is nothing. This means nothing.”
“Ransom...”
“Mother f*cker. No, Aly. It doesn’t mean a thing.” And he kissed me, hard.
At eighteen Ransom kissed me like he wanted me. He sought permission with every touch he gave me back then. At twenty, he’d learned that my permission was always his. Still, he’d glance at me, checking to see if every touch, every graze of his hands on my body was allowed. Now he took my face, moving my head to guide me, rule me, take from me what he wanted and with the strength of his touch and the way his mouth, his tongue insisted, I understood that he wanted it all. Everything I had. Anything I had given to Ethan, he wanted it back. That eager, greedy swipe of his lips, the twist of my hair between his fingers, told me Ransom wanted me now. That he hadn’t ever stopped.
When he pulled away from me, holding me close, keeping me still, I didn’t bother wiping my eyes, didn't hide that I wasn’t crying, that I wasn’t so damn twisted with guilt and confusion and indecision. He didn’t seem to care that I was.
“I’d adopt or steal or buy a hundred babies that weren’t mine just to keep you with me.” He kissed me again, holding my face as though he was scared I’d try to pull away from him. “And if babies were too much for you, I’d find you a litter of puppies or kittens or, f*ck’s damn sake, I’d steal some baby birds and build them a nest between our bedroom pillows.” Ransom’s face was wet and when I moved my fingers over his forehead, across his cheek, taking the kiss he offered, I couldn’t tell if it was my tears or his that smeared my mascara. His eyes were red and his nose leaked, but Ransom kept watching me, looking like he wasn’t sure what to make of this entire day. “Kids would have come. Or they wouldn’t. You don’t see that? My sweet love, my badass woman who doesn’t need a damn soul, who can do anything at all, I know that now. I see that now. More than any damn thing on the planet, baby, I want you. No, I don’t just want you. I need you, Aly. I need you like I need the breath in my body, the blood in my veins. There is no me without you. Not then, ko`u aloha, not now. Not ever.”