Thick & Thin (Thin Love, #3)(53)
“I…I didn’t want him hurt, that’s all.”
In the months that I’d been with him, Ethan had never looked at me the way he did just then. The emotions flickering on his features reached heights I’d never seen. He was momentarily happy, a little surprised, maybe disappointed by whatever thoughts had him keeping himself from revealing too much to me. I didn’t move or back away when he stood in front of me, when those strong, long fingers glided over my face to stop at my cheek. I wanted to know what he thought, what had made him want to bother with talking about Ransom and my feelings for him.
Then, with Ethan’s slow, sweet kiss against my lips, I realized maybe I didn’t want to know. Maybe knowing would force me to face a truth I’d been running from since the night Ethan proposed to me. “One day, I hope you love me like that. One day, Aly, I hope someone will even if it can’t be you.”
“What are you trying to say?”
He exhaled, gliding his thumb over my cheek. “I’m saying I want you to really confront your feelings. I’m saying that you can’t be with me and still love Ransom. Not the way you do.”
“I…don’t. Not like…”
“But you do,” he interrupted, moving his hand down my arm to hold my hand. “More than you realize.”
Ethan had come here to see me after being away for days. I’d been with my ex’s kid siblings, taking care of them because they needed me. Maybe that had a greater impact on Ethan than I realized. Maybe, despite all his promises of understanding, he didn’t know how to be with me and be okay that Ransom’s family was important to me. That Ransom was. But as I watched him, looking a little lost, a little disappointed, I thought that maybe Ethan was tired of playing second string. Maybe he was tired of being in the shadows. I understood that. But that didn’t mean I had to accept it.
“So…that’s it? You want to walk away? You want to end this and not care that it’s over?”
“No.” He seemed confident about that, gripping my arms, pulling me to within inches of his face. “No, I don’t want any of that. But I also won’t be the villain here. I don’t want to be the guy who trapped you into feelings that obligated you to marry me.”
When I didn’t move, with what must have been an obstinate look on my face, Ethan shook his head, slipping his hands up to my shoulders. “I would move Heaven and Earth to spend the rest my life with you, Aly. It would be a fantasy made real. But I won’t tear you down in order to keep you at my side. If you want to be with me, baby, I will love and cherish you always. But it has to be your decision. You have to want that too.” With him holding me, saying things I didn’t know I wanted to hear, an unexpected bout of emotion took over me, had me blinking away tears that made me feel stupid and weak. It annoyed me that my chin wobbled, that I was crying and wasn’t sure why.
“You seem disappointed. Like I should be thumping my chest, telling you you’re mine. I told you I’d wait. I’m still waiting, Aly.” He moved the diamond on my left hand, fingering the glittering surface before he kissed my hand. “I’ll wait until you give me this ring back. If that happens, then I’ll know it’s over.”
Ethan kissed me again, holding my face between his hands and I let him. It felt safe. Part of me wanted to stay there in my kitchen letting a good man love me until I was old and feeble. But there was a loud voice inside my head whispering that Ethan’s love wouldn’t be enough. For all that he could give me, he couldn't give me the passion and hunger and aching need I knew in my heart of hearts that I wanted.
It wouldn’t be what Ransom could give me.
Taking a breath, I moved my head, moving against him to savor the smell of his skin before I looked up at Ethan. “I…I don’t know what…”
“Take your time, baby,” he said, kissing my forehead. “Take all the time you need.”
Your legacy is loss,
Struggle.
Unbent wills that clamor
For freedom.
Find only loss,
Strife.
Ache of a Broken promise.
Leave it behind,
Pass it along,
As a warning
One they do not heed.
Thirteen
Twenty minutes I waited in my car, watching that front door and the small face that kept peeking out behind the newly fixed pane instead of getting out and doing what I’d come to the lake house to do. Mack needed a lesson in subtlety but it wasn’t my place to give it to her. At twenty-two minutes, I decided it was stupid to sit and wonder about how wise it was stoking the fire that Ransom was.
Aly: You over your attitude? I’d texted him, getting nothing in reply. That had been a day ago and despite what Ethan thought about my feelings, I didn’t particularly love Ransom at that moment. I did still care enough to kick his ass when he needed it.
The house was quiet when I knocked, other than the scrambling Mack made behind the door, I couldn’t hear anything at all.
“Hey, Aly,” she offered when she opened the door, smile beautiful and wide and before I could answer, the girl grabbed my arm and pulled me over the threshold. “Mom and Cass are in her studio and Makua, I don’t know where he is.” She pulled me closer so I had to bend to hear her. “Ransom is on the sofa sulking.”