The Truth About Keeping Secrets(51)

I smiled despite myself. ‘It’s … astronomically complicated,’ I said, even though it wasn’t, really; I just wanted it to be more complicated.

He withdrew, blinked. ‘Oh. Oh. OK. It is a bit of a cutesy thing. Sittin’ on a roof, all cosy. Is she … you know, are you …’

‘No. That’s why it’s complicated.’ Then I sighed. ‘I wish.’

He froze, then thawed and shook his head knowingly. ‘Aaahhh. I feel that. Straight?’

I nodded, all big and exaggerated, even though, I realized, this had never actually been confirmed. ‘Mm. Pretty sure, anyway. She has a boyfriend. Like, some big-shot, objectively attractive boyfriend.’

‘Ah. My friend. The world has been cruel to us. What’s her name?’

‘June.’

‘June,’ he repeated, like he was seeing how it tasted. ‘Do you think it’s significant at all that she’s in the picture? Or was it just a random, surreptitious creep shot?’

‘Creep shot. No, if anything, it was just to, I don’t know, mock me. The general tone of their messages has been, uh, foreboding homophobia.’

‘And you think – do you think the person was there? At the party?’

‘I don’t know. I’m just – I’m not sure. If it was just to do with me, and just me? Then yeah, definitely. But Dad – if it has to do with my dad then I don’t know. I just don’t know.’

‘They would have had to know there was a party.’

I nodded. ‘And that I was going to be there.’

‘And, I mean, unless they had planned on going to the party themselves – they had to know you were going to be outside at some point.’

‘Well, I mean, I had to leave eventually. Maybe they were just waiting for that and got lucky.’

‘Hm.’

‘Yeah. Thank you for doing this, by the way.’

‘What?’

‘I don’t know. Just … caring. Believing me.’

‘No worries, my friend.’

‘Like … why?’ There I went. Wondering why anyone wanted anything to do with me when that wasn’t actually a conscious decision people made. ‘OK. That was a dumb question. Sorry. You don’t have to have a reason. It’s just that no one has really believed me so far.’

‘Listen. I don’t wanna get all heavy on you, but Alex – he’s gone, right? He’s gone, and there’s nothing that comes after that. And I have so many questions that’ll never be answered. Like, there’s some questions I probably don’t even know to ask. But you’ve got something here. I believe that there’s something to this. And if there’s even a chance you can find some answers? Find some peace? Some retribution? Then I don’t know. I’m happy to see that through with you. If there was a chance for me to find those same answers … I guess I’d want someone else by me too.’

I released a breath I’d been holding for four months. ‘That means a lot.’

‘Bitch, I should have recorded that. “Gerry, I got something for you!” Shit. Sorry. Are we friends enough for me to say bitch?’

I laughed. ‘Just barely. But. Yeah. I mean, I don’t know. For me, it’s like, and I guess it’s probably the same for you too – he kept this whole part of his life from me and I feel like if he hadn’t … it’s like, none of this would be happening.’

‘Yeah. Exactly.’

‘Something else in common, then.’

A small voice called for him in the background. ‘Coming, Mom! OK, gotta go, but let me know if you get any more texts. Actually, would you mind sending all of ’em over? Not that I’ll be able to figure anything out. But, you know. It’d be nice to have them on hand just in case anything else comes up.’

I did as he asked, secure in the decision and without any second thoughts; even though I hadn’t known him for long, Leo might as well have been a key out of a padded room.

He believed me. Because I bet he didn’t want to think the universe was capable of this, either, and he knew how helplessness felt.

He got it in the way Olivia didn’t.

I wasn’t sure if I could even trust Olivia at all. About anything. After what Heath had said about Olivia telling him about the messages – and she told people about what I’d said at the funeral – it was clear she no longer had my best interests in mind. I didn’t think she cared about me at all. But the fucked-up part was that I didn’t care. Was that really friendship, then? We had no reason to even be around each other any more; it was one thing when we were younger, because everyone has something in common when they’re younger, but now we were growing in entirely opposite directions, the void expanded by death, and there was so much doubt and uncertainty and it was all death’s fault. It was all death’s fault. What hadn’t death ruined? What was left?

Things felt strained and there was nothing left to say. Clearly she didn’t want to talk to me and I didn’t really want to talk to her. It was like holding on to a tooth that was only attached by the thinnest stringy bit of flesh and I just wanted to pop.

In the second week of January, we were sitting at lunch while she was talking about some cast-member drama that’d happened at rehearsal for the spring musical, and to be fair, I wasn’t listening, but she just looked at me and said, ‘You don’t want to be here, do you?’