The Truth About Keeping Secrets(36)

‘Is it?’ I had made the joke unintentionally; it really wasn’t a witty retort, I was just too nervous to say anything besides that. June laughed and replaced the lyrics to the song she was singing with ‘You’re an asshole’.

‘How are you?’ she asked. ‘How’s break been?’

‘Yeah, uh, it’s been OK. Boring.’ Besides the book in the mail. And my busted lip. And the fact that I had a literal hallucination. And Leo from support group. And Dad. And your folder in the office. And you. ‘How’s yours been?’

June thought for a moment, like I hadn’t just asked her a canned question with a canned response; she was actually trying to answer as accurately as possible. ‘Illuminating.’

‘Illuminating?’

‘Mm.’

‘Has anything, uh, in particular been illuminating, or just generally?’

‘Generally, I’d say.’

‘OK. Uh – congratulations, on that.’

I got the sense the whole time we were catching up she was thinking about something else, until eventually she finally blurted, ‘I have a surprise for you.’ But by that time we were already at the Dunkin’ Donuts drive-thru and she had no further time to explain. ‘What d’you want?’

‘I … don’t actually like coffee.’

‘The girl lets me take her out for coffee and she doesn’t even like coffee,’ she muttered playfully under her breath.

A voice that sounded oddly familiar greeted us through the receiver. June ordered a vanilla latte for herself. ‘And a –’ She looked at me; I shrugged. ‘A hot chocolate.’

Once we pulled up, I realized why the voice sounded familiar. Bea, clad in full Dunkin’ attire, stood behind the window. God. I’d forgotten she worked here. Of course she did. I couldn’t throw a fucking stone in Pleasant Hills without hitting someone equally recognizable and unpleasant.

She greeted June excitedly – Bea was dating a guy called Will who hung around with June and Heath, so they already knew each other, I guessed, which was terrible. I sensed June glance at me quickly, like an apology; an apology made uselessly, because ‘sorry’ wouldn’t do anything to quell the sudden hammering in my chest.

Maybe because of the angle, Bea only saw June. ‘Oh my God! Hey!’

‘Hey, worker Bea,’ June said.

Bea smiled. ‘That’s cute. Did you just come up with that? Oh, wait, your drinks, duh.’ She came back with two cups and handed them over. ‘I get off in fifteen – I’m going home to scrub donut off me and then I’m heading straight to yours.’

And that’s when Bea realized I was there.

I didn’t know if she looked at me or what, but I felt the weird, sudden silence fall on to the three of us like a cartoon anvil, while I stared pointedly at the glove compartment.

June was the only one with enough sense to get us out of there. ‘Hey, thanks, gal – I’ll see you tonight!’

‘Yeah,’ Bea said. She raised her hand to wave, and at the last second, as we pulled away, I glanced back, and by complete accident, our eyes locked. She looked … odd. Sad.

Everything about the interaction made me angry. Angry that Bea was being weird, that June was friends with her, that Dad was dead and I was here and all I could think about was Bea’s clawed hands jamming a copy of Healing Homosexuality into my mailbox. June looked distressed, and since I hadn’t told her about the messages and my suspicions, it wasn’t because of that; it was because of my history with Bea, so even though the thought of explaining everything exhausted me I just needed to clear the air and get it out of the way. ‘What you think happened didn’t happen.’

June shook her head as we drove from the parking lot. ‘What do I think happened?’

‘Seriously, I feel like I need to address this or else – I don’t know. What Bea told everyone wasn’t what happened. We liked each other – I mean, at least I thought we did, and I don’t know, I’m sick of being pegged as some, I don’t know, aggressive lesbian, when that’s not what happened at all. OK? That’s not what it was.’

The world rolled past. We watched as it went. ‘I believe you,’ June said, and I looked at her. ‘Like. No. God. Of course I do.’

I wasn’t even trying to hide my discomfort at this point, but her saying that made me ease up a little. ‘Do you?’

‘I always figured that … that was the case. Bea seems, like, nice enough, but I totally believe she’d lie about something like that. I don’t actually know her that well. Not at all. No, I know you better and I – I don’t think you’d do something like that.’

I kept my eyes planted firmly on the dashboard. Tyres whooshed. Windshield wipers squeaked. Girls sipped. ‘OK. Thank you.’

She shrugged. ‘Please don’t think that that changes my … perception of you, or anything.’

I wasn’t sure what she meant: what happened with Bea, or me liking girls in the first place. I assumed the latter. ‘I don’t.’

‘No, because I mean, like, even I …’ She grunted. ‘Never mind. We don’t have to do this now.’

We’d been silently driving for a few minutes when June spoke under her breath, as if she didn’t care whether or not I heard. ‘That put a slight damper on my surprise.’