The Past and Other Things That Should Stay Buried(37)

“That’s silly and you know it,” I say. “Depression isn’t rational. I read once that the majority of people who survived jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge said they regretted jumping immediately after doing it.”

“Did that guy look filled with regret?”





“No,” I say, “But here he’ll get help. This time he’s been given could be exactly what he needs to realize he made a mistake and that life is worth living.”

She throws up her hands. “Good for him, but what about the woman missing part of her brain? What about me?”

“Look, I know you don’t want to see your parents or Jo because you think it’ll hurt them too much to see you like this, but I think you’re wrong. I think they’d gladly take that pain for the chance to see you, even if you are gassy and falling apart.”

“Stop,” she says in a low voice.

“I’m not saying you could take up your old life or even that your life would resemble normal, but you could at least be with the people who love you most in the world. You don’t have to do this alone.”

“Stop,” she says, a little louder.

“And I know we’re not friends and that this one night didn’t erase the things we did to each other over the last year, but I’ll look after you. I’ll keep more of your skin from sliding off, and I’ll keep government scientists from taking you away to perform gruesome experiments on you. Friends or not, I’ve got your back.”

“Stop it, Dino! Just fucking stop!” This time July yells. She takes my hand and looks into my eyes, and I know what she’s going to say before she says it. “I died. And unlike these other folks, I was meant to die and to stay dead. I don’t know what cosmic mistake caused this, but it’s time to correct it.”





JULY

DINO DOESN’T TALK ON THE drive to his house, and I’m not in the mood to chat either, so I let the silence ride in the backseat. I think Dino was right that I should have never left DeLuca and Son’s when I woke up. It was stupid to think I could rise from the dead and pretend life was shiny and grand, but that’s over now. It’s time for July Cooper to face reality.

“You think your parents are still awake?” I ask when we roll up to his house.

Dino shakes his head. “Dad’s in bed by eleven every night, and Mom doesn’t go out dancing as often as she used to.”

“Oh.”

Dino kills the lights and the engine, and we sit in the car. I think he’s waiting for me to get out, but I’m not quite ready.

“Tell me the truth. Why did you break up with Rafi?”

“I said—”

“Spill it, Dino.” I said I was ready to face reality, but I didn’t mean this exact second.

Dino grips the steering wheel. “It’s not complicated,” he says. “He told me he loved me and that I deserve to be loved.”

“You already went over this part.”

“Well, so does he.”

“You don’t love him?”

Dino’s fidgety. He won’t stop moving. Tapping his fingers, squeezing the wheel, jiggling his knees. He’s going to rattle into pieces. “I’m seventeen, and we’ve only been together a year. How the hell am supposed to know? Either way, he should be with someone who does know.”

“Did he say that?”

“No, but—”

“So you made the decision for him?” I shake my head. This boy is never going to survive without me. “Rafi’s pretty close to perfect. And his friends are okay too.”

Dino glances my direction. “I thought you’d be happier about this. Doing a little dance, singing a jaunty song.”

“Right,” I say. “Because all I’ve ever wanted was for your relationship to fail and you to be miserable.” I throw my hands in the air. “You found me out. I’m a monster.”

“There’s something wrong with me,” Dino says.

“I’ve been saying that since the day we met.”

He ignores me. “I didn’t plan on breaking up with him. I thought about what you said, how I should be honest with him, and that’s what I was planning. I was going to tell him that I didn’t know if I loved him, but that if he was willing to give me time to figure it out, I’d like that.”

“Clearly those aren’t the words you said.”

Dino purses his lips. “I started thinking how it was unfair to make him wait for me to discover who I am and what I want. And how, if I couldn’t make our friendship work, what chance did I have with Rafi?”

“That’s ridiculous,” I say. “Our friendship is nothing like your relationship.”

“Isn’t it? You were my best friend, and I screwed it up. No matter how I feel about Rafi now or in the future, the chances of me ruining everything are practically 100 percent.” He hangs his head. “Guess I haven’t changed as much as you thought, have I?”

Like always, a clever retort pops up immediately, but this time I push it down and take a second to consider what I want to say. “You act like you don’t care, like you aren’t proud of dressing up for Rafi and aren’t happy to help him talk one of his friends off a ledge, but it’s not true. You do care; you are proud. Rafi and his friends bring out a better side of you.”