The Past and Other Things That Should Stay Buried(29)

“Why are you with me?” The question pops out before I can stop it. I’ve had my doubts, but spending the last few hours with July has amplified them to the point that I can’t ignore them anymore. I’m scared of how Rafi might answer, but it’s too late to turn back now.

Rafi starts coughing and stops walking, and I slap him on the back until he holds up his hand to let me know he’s okay. “Sorry,” he says. “Choked on spit.”

“How do you—”

“Do you honestly need to ask why I’m with you?”

His heavy brows knit together and dip down and he’s looking at me like I asked him if the earth was flat or round. “Yes?”

Rafi rakes his hair with his fingers and whistles.

I squeeze his hand and tug him in the direction we were walking. “Forget it. It was stupid.”

“No,” he says. “But will you tell me why you want to know?”

I try to pull my thoughts together, but I’m not certain I even asked the right question.

“Maybe it’s July,” I say. “I’ve been thinking about her and why we stopped being friends. She did a lot of messed up stuff, but I think I did too. I know I’m not the best person, but I at least thought I was a good one. Now I wonder if even that’s true. Then there’s you. You’re smart and kind and compassionate. You’re dedicated to your future and to the people you care about. You know what you want to do with your life, and you work hard at it every day, never expecting anything to be handed to you. Plus, you’re hot.”

Rafi nods along like he gets it, which, I’m glad one of us does. “And you’re wondering why someone as amazing as me is with someone like you.”

“Kind of,” I say. “I mean, look at what you’re doing now. If July had freaked out and taken off, I would’ve let her go.”

“Leon isn’t July.”

“How does that make a difference?”

Rafi sucks in a breath. “I’m telling you this because I trust you, okay?” I make a cross over my heart, and he nods. “When I first met Leon, he’d recently gotten out of the hospital.”

“Suicide?”

“Eating disorder,” he says. “So I worry about him when he gets upset.” Rafi shrugs. “If Gwen had run off, I would have let her go knowing the worst she would’ve done was sit in her car and pound out her anger to one of the angry punk bands she loves. But Leon gets caught in his own head, so . . .”

“Oh.”

We leave the well-lit sidewalk and cut into someone’s yard, which butts up against a canal. Rafi doesn’t seem concerned, and the grass is worn, so I assume this is a commonly used path to reach the park.

I’m getting accustomed to the quiet when Rafi says, “You’re not a bad person.”

I snort. “I’m indecisive, selfish, I keep my feelings bottled up until I explode—”

Rafi stops and takes my other hand and pulls me so that we’re facing each other. “You think about your decisions from every possible angle, and you never let anyone rush you into making one; you are intensely protective of the people you care about most; you care about them so much that you’re willing to sacrifice what you want to spare their feelings.”

“That’s not me,” I say. “You’ve got me wrong.”

Rafi slides his hand behind my neck and pulls me to him. He kisses me, and I get lost for a second. I wrap my arms around him and he presses his body against me, and even though it’s already so hot and humid outside, Rafi’s warmth spreads from him to me, and I want more.

And then he pulls away and says, “I love you, Dino.”

“I lo—” The words spring to my lips reflexively before my brain can process what my ears heard. “Wait, what?”

Rafi kisses my forehead. “And what’s more is that you deserve to be loved.”





JULY

I CAN’T DECIDE WHICH OF Dino’s friends I hate most, but Roxy loves each and every one of them. Dafne keeps trying to get me alone to talk about video games; Jamal is ball lightning in a gangly human shape; Kandis hasn’t said a single word to me, but she’s been quietly judging me since I walked onto the patio; Gwen and Adonis are trying hard to look miserable but can’t hide their new-relationship glow; and Charlie, Shanika, and Andy alternate between hanging out with us and playing in the pool.

We’re outside, relaxing in a sort of circle made of deck chairs. A gentle breeze blows the smell of chloramines in from the pool, and I’m idly petting Dobby, Rafi’s scrappy, bug-eyed shelter dog. Stupid adorable mutt’s been following me around since I came outside. Even though I don’t know any of these people, the vibe feels like one of my end-of-show cast parties. This isn’t quite the same, but it’s so normal and relaxing that I can almost forget the last few hours.

“Dino did that?” Jamal asks. It’s question after question with him. I haven’t decided if it’s cute or annoying.

“Took a dive off the stage and gave himself a concussion,” I say. “But he popped up and kept going. He doesn’t remember much of it, which is for the best.”

Everyone’s laughing, and I even catch a smile from Kandis, but it disappears the moment she sees me looking.