The Lesbiana's Guide to Catholic School(47)

“Well, it’s not guaranteed, but it’s probable. We’re still in high school. We most likely have tomorrow.”

“You don’t know that, though,” Cesar mumbles.

“Just like you don’t know you’re gonna die tomorrow. So we might as well plan for it, right?” I say.

“Whatever.” Cesar rolls his eyes, and I roll mine back.

Jamal must be trying to avoid a sibling argument, because he changes the subject quickly. “So, when are you gonna spread your wings and be gay with us, Yami?”

“You told him?” I glare at Cesar.

“There’s no secrets here.” Cesar gives Jamal these annoying big googly eyes. “He’s my other me.” Who knew “in lak’ech” would backfire on me?

“You say that about everyone,” I say. I don’t like that that’s the excuse he’s using to tell Jamal my business.

“Hey, you know you can trust Jamal, right?” Cesar says.

Jamal gives me an innocent toothy smile. I know he won’t tell anyone, but that’s not the point.

“Shit, Yami, I didn’t think you would care,” Cesar says when I don’t answer. For Cesar, “shit, Yami” = “sorry,” since he’s incapable of that word.

“Well, I do. How would you like it if I went and told . . . Bo, or someone, about you?” Jamal hangs back and walks behind us, letting us have our argument.

“What? Are you and Bo—”

“No! It was just an example. Never mind.”

“No, no, no, you can’t fool me!”

“Cesar, stop,” I say through gritted teeth.

“I knew it! You like Bo!”

“?Cállate!” I throw my hand over his mouth, even though we’re miles away from anyone who might know who Bo is. That little asshole licks my hand.

“Eugh!” I shudder and wipe my hand on my hip. He keeps going like nothing disgusting just went down.

“Hey, when you ask her out, I’ll return the favor and be her fake boyfriend for you! We can go on double dates as two fake couples who are actually two real couples!” Cesar is practically jumping up and down, he’s so excited. That would never work, though, considering Bo already has a girlfriend.

“I’m not asking her out! Stop!” I want to be mad, but my laugh betrays me.

“Okay, I’ll stop.” Cesar puts his hands up in defeat. “Back to Jamal’s question, then. Be gay with us!”

“I thought you were bi?”

“Yeah, and I thought you were lesbian? But I don’t hear you using that word either.”

I’m a little stumped by that, actually. I never really thought about it.

“If ‘gay rights’ is supposed to include us, then we get to call ourselves gay. You don’t hear nobody fighting for bisexual or lesbian marriage. Gay es un ‘umbrella term.’” Cesar emphasizes his point by pushing my shoulder. “Stop dodging me, though!”

“Fine. I’ll be gay with you when I move out, probably.” Truth is, I’m not ready yet.

“Coward.”

“If I’m a coward, you’re a hypocrite! If it’s so easy, why aren’t you out, then, huh?”

“That’s not what I meant. You don’t have to be out out to be gay with us. You do have to talk to Bo, though.” He sings Bo’s name and pokes my belly. If he’s trying to egg me on, it’s not working. Jamal finally catches back up to us, and I can’t argue anymore.

Cesar is right about me being a coward. Coming out is one thing, but admitting my feelings to Bo? I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to do something like that sober. Not after Bianca. Cesar has always been the brave one between the two of us.

There’s a secret code somewhere that says you can’t admit your sibling is right, though, so I flick both his and Jamal’s ears instead.

“Hey! What’d I do?” Jamal cradles his ear.

“You probably deserved it.” I shrug. If Jamal is going to be with my brother, that makes him family. And family gets flicked ears. It’s a sign of affection.

We’re almost at the corner store, but Do?a Violeta’s music is loud enough that we can still hear it. “Cielito Lindo” plays, and on instinct Cesar and I start singing as we walk. Cesar throws his arms around both me and Jamal and we belt the words in our best deep mariachi voices. Jamal quickly learns the “ay, ay, ay, ay” part, but that’s it. He just laughs at us while we make fools of ourselves.

Then Cesar stops singing.

“Shit . . .” He stops walking, too.

“What?” I ask.

“I, uh, forgotmywallet.” His words come out too fast.

“It’s fine, I got you,” Jamal says.

“No, I’m not hungry anymore.” He’s staring at a black truck in the corner store parking lot. “Let’s just go back.”

That’s when I see them. Through the store window, six guys from Rover. I recognize a couple of them Cesar was always fighting. I never thought of Cesar as the type to avoid a fight, but he’s already turning around. He doesn’t want to be noticed right now.

“Okay, let’s go,” Jamal says when he sees them. But just when we start to turn around, the store doors open and my gut pulls at the slur they call him.