The Girls I've Been(89)

Her lips pinch at the question. She may be proud of me for outsmarting them, but she hates me for it, too. It’s why she’s in here: She did too good a job raising her baby girls into vipers. She didn’t think we’d turn around and bite her, even though she gave us no choice.

But Abby doesn’t know how to be when she isn’t the center of my universe. She doesn’t know how to exist when the axis of my world—and of everyone else in her net—isn’t tilted in her favor. I’ve yanked the ground back toward me, and now she’s the one who’s off balance.

“Mutually assured destruction, Abby. If he sends someone to kill me, worst-case scenario, he dies via toothbrush shank before the appeal even happens. Best-case scenario, he gets out on appeal and all the people whose secrets leaked will come for him. Because I’ve had years of freedom going through all the files on that drive, tracking down every twisted thread and person involved in every dirty secret. There’s a lot of powerful people doing a lot of bad things on that thumb drive. I know about Dallas. And I know about Yreka.”

“What happened in Yreka?” she asks, which is so damn sloppy of her, because it tells me she knows about Dallas. About fucking Dallas, and what he set up there. My stomach flips. I have got to get out of here before I lose all composure. I’ve done what I’ve come for.

“You’ll have to ask him. He has a choice to make. It’s very simple: I die, he dies. I live, he gets to.”

“He won’t let you keep all that dirt,” she says. “The FBI having it is one thing—they can’t use it the way you . . .” She fades off. Shakes her head. “He’ll come for you, no matter what. You need to go. Far away. You need to change. Become another girl. I know you can do it, baby. You were always a natural at slipping into someone else. You can hide from him.” Her voice, it’s like it was that night, when she begged him. She’s begging me now. It seems like it’s for me, but I know; it’s for him.

I’ve scared her, shaken her with how I’ve grown and sharpened into something she can’t quite grip.

“I don’t want to hide.”

“This isn’t about what you want!”

“But it is,” I say, and there’s the truth, the one I’ve created for myself. “This is absolutely about what I want. Because I have the leverage. I was smarter than you then. I’m the better con artist now. I’ll be out there, armed with everything you’ve taught me and everything I taught myself on top of it. And if he ever gets free and is stupid enough to come for me himself? The pieces I cut off him, I won’t give back this time.” She sucks in a breath, but I stay still and strong. She’s not normal. I can hear North’s voice in my head. I can see that realization on my mother’s face.

And maybe I’m not. But maybe I don’t want to be.

“This isn’t a game you should play.” She shakes her head. “You’re good at hiding, baby. But you’re no good at fighting.”

“You have no idea what I’m good at.” I get up, and just like the last time I left her, it is easy.

It is necessary.

I’m at the door, and the guard steps forward to open it for me, when it bursts out of her: “Natalie!”

I look back. One last look. One last time. Because either way, if I win or if he does, I don’t come back. This is it. I need her to know.

“That’s not my name anymore,” I tell her.

And then I’m gone.





— 69 —


    Nora: Sister, Survivor, ?




I’m strong until I get through the metal detectors and out into the lobby with the rickety chairs. I sink into one, and my face is wet, but the guard up front doesn’t pay me any mind. She’s used to it.

I cry. I let myself flat-out ugly-sob in the prison visitor lobby like I’m in a bad movie about teens overcoming adversity. But I’m not overcoming anything; I’m just plain overcome.

Finally, I pull it together. Kind of. And I look toward the doors and the parking lot. I have to get to the airport and be home before Lee gets back.

The thought fills me. Home. I scrub at my cheeks and take a deep breath, but it’s a shudder and shake in my lungs.

Girls like me, we prepare for the storm.

When I was twelve, I made a choice. Her or me. Him or me. Survive or slaughter.

Abby might be right; he might still come for me, even if it signs his death warrant along with mine. But I am done running and hiding.

I’ll fight if I have to.

He ever comes for me, he won’t just find scared, panicky Ashley who thought fast but couldn’t shoot straight. He’ll find all the girls I’ve been. Rebecca taught me how to lie. Samantha taught me how to hide. Haley taught me how to fight. Katie taught me fear. Ashley taught me survival.

Nora put all their lessons into practice.

Deep breath.

Rebecca. My name is Rebecca.

Get up.

Samantha. My name is Samantha.

Wipe away the tears.

Haley. My name is Haley.

Shoulders back.

Katie. My name is Katie.

One foot in front of the other.

Ashley. My name is Ashley.

Push the doors open.

Nora.

I walk into the light.