The Cheerleaders(79)

Tom placed a hand on Jen’s shoulder. “His mother deserves to bury him too.”

Jen shrugged herself away from Tom. “He’s a monster.”

The man stationed outside the door to Jack Canning’s viewing was looking over at them now; Mr. Maroney had stepped back inside at the commotion. Even Monica and Petey were looking up at Jen like they’d never seen her before.

Jen covered her mouth, running outside. She gagged over the railing, but nothing came out. Probably for the best. She would have ruined the pansies below her. The pansies hadn’t done anything wrong.

“The trick is to stick your finger down your throat.”

Jen looked up. Carly Amato, eyes red and eyelashes clumping together, was watching her. A cigarette burned between her index and middle finger.

“Don’t talk to me,” Jen said.

“That’s right. Take it out on the skank.” Carly stamped out her cigarette with the heel of her lace-up boot.

Jen felt a surge of anger. She thought of the blood staining Carly’s lips, the manic look in her eyes when Allie had gone after her. The fight had felt like it was weeks ago. But it had only been six days.

“You had something to do with this, didn’t you?”

Carly smirked. “Yeah. I told that creep to go over and kill them. You got me.”

Jen had to stop herself from charging at Carly, transferring her rage to her like Allie had. She thought about saying something cruel. You do a line of coke in the bathroom, Carly? Because you sure look like it.

But Jen couldn’t be cruel, no matter how much she wanted to be. The cruelest people were the ones who seemed to coast through life, as if all that nastiness was a shield.

“I wish she’d never met you,” Jen said. “Maybe she’d still be here.”

Carly blinked. Jen thought maybe she saw tears in her eyes before she turned and left her standing there.



* * *



—

When they got home from the wake, Jen said she was going to bed early. She climbed out the window and cut across the backyard, the glow of the TV in the den behind her.

He let her in. “Are you okay?”

Jen bit her lip. Shook her head. “Can we go to your room?”

Ethan slipped a hand in Jen’s and led her down the hall. With his free hand, he opened his bedroom door. Jen looked from him to his bed. She lay down, and Ethan followed, keeping about a foot of space between them. His comforter was cool against her cheek.

Jen took Ethan’s face in her hands. He held her back, winding his fingers through her hair. He didn’t move to kiss her; this time, she kissed him first. He kissed her back until their faces were flushed and they had to break apart to catch their breath.

Jen stared at Ethan’s face. Ran a finger down his lips. He kissed the pad of her finger and she reached behind her, unzipping her dress. Ethan put his lips on her shoulder.

Jen moved her hand lower, lower, until she felt the hot flesh of his belly. When she reached for the zipper on his pants, he laced his fingers through hers. Pulled her hand up his chest.

She sat up. “You don’t want to?”

Ethan’s face was flushed, his lips plump from the kissing. “I really, really want to.” He scooted closer to her. Pulled her so she was tucked in the space between his legs. “I just don’t want to do it when you’re sad.”

Jen’s eyes stung as he moved her hair off her bare shoulder, brushing his lips against her collarbone. “I’m always sad.”

She didn’t realize she’d said it out loud until he paused. She turned to face him, her face wet now. “I’m always so goddamn sad.”

Ethan reached and wiped away a tear with his thumb. “When was the last time you were happy?”

She didn’t know. Even when she dug up her happiest memories, it was as if she were viewing them on a film reel. Things that had happened to another girl.

“I don’t know if I ever was happy.” Jen wiped a tear with the back of her hand. “It doesn’t even matter. They’re gone and I was supposed to be with them and every day since I’ve woken up wishing I could die too.”

Ethan’s finger, the one stroking her cheek, went still. “I tried to do it in eighth grade. Die.”

It felt like the air was sucked from her body. “How?”

“I’m not telling you that. It’s not the point. I changed my mind and I’m still here.” Ethan cupped his hands around her face, inches from his own. “You have so many people here who love you.”

That was the problem. Jen knew she was loved and that she’d always been loved. She knew that even if she did the unforgivable and destroyed them, they’d still love her. And that made it so much worse.

“I was supposed to be there,” Jen whispered. “It was supposed to be the three of us.”

Ethan said nothing. He moved his fingers from her cheek to her forehead. He brushed aside a lock of hair that had become wet with her tears, sending a shiver across her skin. Ethan didn’t say You can’t think like that or you can’t beat yourself up like everyone else did. For that, Jen was grateful.

When he spoke again, his voice was a whisper in her ear. “You’re still here. That’s all that matters now.”

Jen shut her eyes. A tear trailed down her cheek, over her lips, pooling in the crook of her collarbone.