The Art of Losing(49)

He turned to face me even though I wasn’t looking at him. “Harley, seriously. What are you so mad about?”

I drew a shaky breath, fighting to stave off angry tears. “I can’t,” I said.

“Okay,” he said. “It’s okay.” He leaned back on his hands, sitting quietly. Waiting me out.

The longer we sat there, the more unnerving the quiet between us became. This wasn’t what I wanted things to be like. I didn’t want to keep pushing him away. I didn’t want to keep avoiding him.

And I was so tired of keeping this secret.

I sighed, defeated. “Fine,” I said. “But I don’t really want to talk about what I’m about to say. So just hear it and shut up. Okay?”

“Deal,” Raf said.

“Mike cheated on me that night of the accident. With Audrey. And she doesn’t remember it. She doesn’t remember anything that happened that night.” The words tumbled out in a rush.

I’d been expecting to scream or vomit or run away when I’d finished. But something else happened. I actually felt a tiny bit of relief.

Raf’s jaw dropped, and his eyes went wide. But true to his word, he didn’t speak. For once, maybe he didn’t know what to say. I knew the feeling. Unfortunately, it didn’t last long. As soon as my guard was down, he spoke.

“Does anyone else know?” he asked.

“Just Cassidy,” I said. “I don’t want my parents to find out. I don’t want them to think about her like that. Especially not now.” I tried to swallow the lump in my burning throat.

“Yeah, but Harley, you’ve been holding on to this for weeks now. No one knows what really happened that night, except you, and you’re carrying around this weight when she’s the one who hurt you. How is that fair?”

“Shut up, Raf,” I said.

“No. I’m serious.” His voice was firm. “She slept with your boyfriend. Eventually, she could remember that.”

“She said they didn’t have sex,” I countered lamely.

He shook his head. “That doesn’t make it okay,” he said. “Don’t you think that at least your parents deserve to know the truth about what happened that night? I know you’re worried they blame you for not driving her home. This proves that it’s not your fault.”

“It is my fault!” I yelled at him. “I knew he was drunk, they both were, and I just left her there with him anyway.” I was breathing heavily now. I turned away, but Raf put a hand on my shoulder.

“It’s not your fault,” he said. “You don’t have to protect him.”

“It’s humiliating enough that he cheated on me,” I managed to say. “I don’t want more people to know about it. Not that they would be surprised. I bet everyone thought it was just a matter of time before he fell for the prettier sister.” I let out a harsh, humorless laugh.

“Harley, that’s ridiculous,” Raf murmured. “You’re beautiful.”

My cheeks heated, even though I instinctively dismissed his praise. The old reflex kicked in: I wondered if he thought Audrey was beautiful, too. Of course he did.

Raf shifted beside me. I knew he wanted to say something but was afraid he’d upset me further.

“What?” I demanded.

“I’m just wondering . . . well, are either you or Audrey talking to a therapist?”

I looked at him sharply. “Audrey is. It’s part of her rehab. I’m not interested.” I tried to relax; he was only trying to help. My eyes fell again to the grass. “Listen, I texted you because I have to go see Mike at rehab this weekend. It’s family day or something and he wants to make amends. Or he has to, as part of his rehab. I’m not entirely clear.”

Raf was quiet at first. “You’re going to see him?” he said after a moment.

I could hear the anxiety in his voice, but I couldn’t tell if it was concern for me or jealousy.

“Yeah. Do you think I’m making the wrong choice? Should I not go?”

“I don’t know,” he said cautiously. “That’s not my call to make. But he sure as hell owes you an apology.”

“Oh, he’s apologized,” I said. I glanced back at Raf. “But he can say he’s sorry all he wants. I’ll never forgive him.”

Raf didn’t seem happy to hear that. We sat quietly next to each other for a few minutes, the humid air thick with smoke and our unspoken thoughts.

“Listen, I have to get to a meeting,” Raf said, offering me a hand to pull me up. “But if you want to talk about this, I’m willing to listen. It’s important.”

I didn’t move. I couldn’t bear to go back to the nervous quiet that had settled over the house since the accident. It was like standing on a frozen lake at the beginning of April. Any second the last thin layer was going to crack.

“Would it be weird if I asked to come?” I said to Raf’s waiting hand. “Maybe it’ll help me be less nervous about going to see Mike in rehab this weekend.”

“Uh, yeah . . . I mean, you can come,” he said. A faint smile crossed his face. He was clearly taken aback. “It’s an open meeting, but you know, it’s still anonymous and all, so just remember that part. But . . . yeah, come.”