The Accidentals(71)

The singing makes me feel better. It’s easy to blend with the others and forget myself. And for a while, the performance is nearly as therapeutic as rehearsal. Between songs I sneak looks into the audience. I can see Aurora and Jake in the front row, where the stage lights reach them. But the rest of the auditorium is too dark to pick out faces.

He’s out there somewhere.

Probably.

As my moment in the spotlight creeps closer, stage fright grips me with her iron claws.

I used to sing in choral competitions all over the state of Florida. I had stomachaches every time we competed, leading my mother to wonder aloud whether choir was meant to be a blood sport.

I have a stomachache right now.

Daria steps forward to sing “Blackbird,” which is one of my favorites. The alto part is bold and dissonant, and it soothes me to concentrate on singing it. It’s such a beautiful lyric about waiting for the right moment in life.

I’ve waited plenty, but now all that waiting seems like a mistake.

And Jessica scheduled my solo for dead last. With each passing song—and there are fourteen—my anxiety mounts.

When the time finally comes, Daria gives me a gentle shove on the back, and I step into the center of the horseshoe. Time moves too fast, and I don’t feel ready as Jessica sweeps her hands in a circle. The others launch into the bass line of “Stop Motion,” by Freddy Ricks and Ernie Hathaway.

I force myself to exhale. Jake is looking right at me, his face wide open and smiling. I take a deep breath and sing the first verse.

You would build her up just to tear her down

You expect gratitude for the crumbs you throw around I’ve changed the key of my arrangement, raising the pitch to the very center of my vocal range. And because I’ve practiced this song a hundred times, my voice doesn’t shake.

You need another fan, an acolyte

She’s the one who bears witness to the man at his height The first thousand times I’d listened to this song, I’d heard it as Frederick had intended—an observation of an imbalanced love affair. But then I realized that from my mouth the lyrics take on an entirely different meaning.

You’d have her click that shutter only when you have the time All the hours in between she’s your woman on ice If you don’t look now, she’s gonna come undone

I hit the high note with all the force and passion that I’d hoped to bring to it.

‘Cause she can’t live her life…

…as a stop motion flick

It’s a forceful criticism. But he wrote those words, not me.

After the first chorus, I’m able to let the song take over. The other women’s voices curl around me like a blanket. This is their finale too, and I feel the swell of their effort pouring forth from behind me. I’m lucky just to be a part of it.

The song seems to end too soon. It’s followed by a swell of applause. I step back into formation and everyone takes a bow together. The audience stands up to cheer, and I see Jake put his fingers to his lips and whistle.

Then the horseshoe breaks apart, and everyone is in motion. Jake reaches me first, his hug lifting me off the ground. “That was awesome,” he crows. “No wonder they put you last. You smoked them.”

“Thank you,” I say, my eyes darting around over his shoulder. I find Aurora next. She’s stopped to give Jessica a congratulatory hug, which was awfully nice of her. Then my roommate hustles over to give me a squeeze.

But not Frederick. I don’t see him anywhere.

There are plenty of parents in the crowd. A few of them stop me with praise. “What a solo!” Daria’s dad says.

“We were lucky to snag her,” his daughter is nice enough to add.

But I still don’t spot Frederick. With the house lights on, I can now see all the way to the back of the auditorium. But his big frame isn’t waiting in any of the chairs, or leaning against the back wall.

“Maybe he’s out front?” Aurora suggests.

Maybe he didn’t come. “Let me get my stuff and I’ll meet you outside.”

“We can wait some more,” Jake offers.

I shake my head. “I’ll be right out.”

I fetch my bag from the wings and then hop down, the last one to leave the stage. There are only a few stragglers left in the auditorium and none of them is Frederick.

But as I walk up the aisle, a woman steps out in front of me. “Rachel?” After a beat, I recognize her as Frederick’s girlfriend. “I’m Norah. Frederick will be just another minute.”

“He was here?” I blurt.

“For the whole thing. You were amazing.”

I can’t stop myself from asking, “Did he hate it?”

“No,” Norah says with a strange smile. “He liked it so much that he had to mop himself up off the floor after your song.”

“What?”

“You didn’t hear it from me.”

And then Frederick appears in the aisle, walking toward us both, with red eyes and an embarrassed grin on his face. “Look at that. Both my girls in one place.” He crushes me to his leather jacket. “I’m sorry to disappear. But I wasn’t prepared for that. Christ, girl. You absolutely killed it.”

“Thank you,” I whisper, my heart nearly failing.

“Can we take you out for, I don’t know, ice cream?” Frederick asks.