The Accidentals(52)

His eyes narrow. “No. But you asked me to be there all the times you needed a ride from school or the group home. But now that you’re at the big fancy school, I’m no good anymore.”

The tears come then. I can’t hold them back anymore. “It’s not like that.”

“It’s exactly like that. I’m good enough to play chauffeur, but not to be your guy.”

“You are my friend,” I sob.

“Then why are you throwing me out?”

“Because you won’t listen to me.”

“I’ve been listening to you since second grade. Don’t throw me out, Rachel. That will be it for us.”

I get up off the bed on shaky knees. I walk through to the front door of our suite and hold it open.

“Don’t do this,” he says, his voice gravel.

Studying my bare toes, I almost cave. But if he doesn’t go, we are just going to end up horizontal on some other surface, and I can’t have that. And he should really know better.

It’s a standoff. He doesn’t move, and I don’t meet his eyes. And then I finally do. His face creases with grief, his eyes get red.

But he shoulders his duffel bag. He stalks past me out onto the landing, and then turns to face me. “Don’t do this. I love you.”

I loved you too, you ass. But I don’t say that, or anything else. Because we’ll just end up arguing again, and he wants something I’m not willing to give.

I close the door.

Then I go right over to the lumpy Sofa-like Object and throw myself onto it. Numb, I lie curled up there, teary and tired, until my phone rings. I squint at it, hoping it isn’t Haze. It’s Frederick. “Hello?”

“Rachel, did I just see that kid from Florida at the bus stop?”

My breath catches. “He was here.” I will not let my voice break. “I asked him to leave.”

There’s a deep silence on his end. “Are you okay?”

I clear my throat. “Perfectly.”

Silence. “You don’t sound so good.”

“I’m fine. How is your cold?” I ask, the question dripping with sarcasm.

He doesn’t even bother replying to the question. “Rachel, I feel like I’m missing something important, here. Do you want to get brunch?”

“I just ate,” I lie.

He sighs. “Okay. Call me if you need me.”





Eventually Aurora comes home, dropping her bag into the bedroom. Then she walks over to the S.L.O. and bends over me. “You look terrible.” She rolled the R’s for emphasis.

“Thanks. I missed you too.”

“Rachel, what’s the matter? Have you been to brunch yet? There’s only a half hour left.”

“No.”

“Get up, no? I hope the bagels aren’t finished.”

Grumbling, I pull on some clothes, rope my hair into a ponytail, and follow Aurora to the dining hall.

Jake is sitting alone at a table, a long-neglected tray beside him, and the crossword puzzle open in front of him. He barely looks up as we sit down. But to me, he says, “So. Did you get it done?”

I swallow. “Get what done?”

He raises his chin slowly, his blue eyes flashing from behind the lenses of his glasses. “Your reading.”

I shake my head.

“What is the problem?” Aurora asks us.

“Not a thing,” Jake says, tossing his newspaper onto the tray. “But you’re not allowed to go out of town anymore.” He lifts the tray and stands.

“Jake?” I call as he walks away.

He stops and looks over his shoulder. “Yeah?”

“I’m sorry I was an asshat last night.”

He gives me the tiniest of nods, his face awash with hurt. Then he leaves.

“Explain, please.” Aurora eyes me over the rim of her coffee cup.

“I had the worst night. Absolutely everything went wrong.”

Aurora’s eyes widen. “Did something…happen with Jake?”

I shake my head. “Only that I was rude to him. It wasn’t until later that things really went bad.”

“Tell me.”

I feel teary immediately. “I don’t think I can.” Reliving the experience will not make it better.

“But you are upset. And there is a condom on the floor under my desk.”

I press two fingers against my tear ducts. “My friend from Florida showed up. He had a lot of expectations, and I wasn’t…willing.”

“Ouch. You don’t like him that way?”

“I did a little. I think. Honestly, there was so much happening that I never got a chance to figure that out. And he just showed up last night, and when push came to shove, I couldn’t go through with it. We fought this morning and I kicked him out.”

Aurora puts down her cup. “Back up a second. When is the first time you hooked up? Last night?”

I shake my head. “Right after my mom died, he…” This is so hard to talk about. “There was just a little hooking up.”

“Wait…right after? And was it your idea? Because grief can make you do all kinds of things.”

I shake my head. “I was just really numb after she died. He took care of me.”