Teeth(43)

I know that even if Teeth were out in the water, he would have hidden from Dylan and Mom, so the fact that Dyl doesn’t mention him shouldn’t bother me. I shouldn’t even think about it. I shouldn’t even notice, really.

Dylan falls asleep, eventually, with his head against my shoulder. Dad goes into the kitchen to do dishes, and I can tell by the way Mom’s eyes track him that she wants to follow. She has this crazy look on her face like Dad is really attractive all of a sudden. Maybe it’s that everything has been so calm, all day—all week, even—and she can finally think about sex. It should gross me out, but I just think it’s kind of funny. My parents’ sex life is so incredibly far from having anything to do with me.

She looks at me and nods at Dylan, her eyebrows up. I mouth, “We’re fine.” She kisses the top of my head on her way to the kitchen. I hope she at least waits until she’s out of earshot before she pounces on him.

The ocean hits the rocks like a bomb, but Dylan doesn’t wake up.

I’m trying to figure out something else to think about, so my brain will shut up, TeethTeethTeeth, so I keep myself focused on Dylan as hard as I can. After a minute of this, I’m totally zoned in, like Dylan is the only thing in my whole life. The weight he’s gained makes him soft against my chest. I feel him breathing into my neck. I’m watching this spot on the back of his head where his hair’s a little thinner than the rest like it’s the prettiest painting in the world.

It’s hitting me that I have no idea what the hell I am to this kid.

There are eleven years between us. It’s not like we were ever really expected to play together. And I’m only just starting to accept the idea of him as a real person, and not a toddler in a hospital bed with bad lungs and the world’s softest cry.

I hold him a little tighter.

But can I be free? Can I get up without waking him up?

I’m tasting the salt and the wind and the great big ocean and no no no, not that kind of free. Home. Think about going home.

No. Dylan. We’re thinking about Dylan.

I want Dylan to be more than just how Dylan makes me feel. And I’m starting to get that he is. He’s here. He got well.

And now I guess I need to.

I’m still here about an hour later, when he wakes up and complains that I’m all sweaty and so gross and why won’t I put him down? And I pick him up and spin him around.

I guess I’ll figure it out. It looks like he’s going to be around for a long time.

And for a minute I’m warm. And I’m really not thinking about anything but Dylan, because he isn’t some abstract concept anymore. He’s this smile and these hands on my cheeks. Dylan.



It’s a windy night, and the water is loud and vicious and whipping against the dock. My parents fell asleep with Dylan in their bed, all of them curled into a ball.

I yell, “Fishboy!”

The ocean responds like a clash of thunder.

Screaming.

It’s at a lower pitch than before. Usually, he’s a whistle. Tonight he sounds like a boy.

I can’t see the marina from here. I should run down. I need to run down. I need a better reason not to run down besides that I’m so f*cking scared.

“Teeth!”

Okay, so he isn’t the world’s best. In fact, he’s pretty much a total *, and he’s the biggest hypocrite in the world, and he thinks fish count as much as humans and whether or not that’s true it’s not something that can fit into my life right now, and he doesn’t even try to accept that, but he’s my total * and I can’t just leave him alone. That is not how this is going to work.

He deserves to be free.

I’m crying all of his names.

I can’t see the marina, but all I can picture is them ripping at him and crumbling him, and I don’t understand how he could let this happen.

Or how I could let this happen. Or why I can’t be a good friend to anyone in the whole world.

I don’t go to the marina.





nineteen


THE NEXT DAY, TUESDAY, TEETH STILL ISN’T BACK, SO WHEN Mom offers to go to the marketplace with me, I tell her no, I’ll go alone, it’s no problem.

She looks at me with a silly smile. “Just don’t take too long getting home.”

“I’m just walking down and then back.”

“Huh. I thought you’d want to stop by the house to spend some more time with your girlfriend.”

“Oh. Diana.”

“But you can’t marry her, promise me. We’d have the same name.”

Get me out of here.

“Yeah, I, uh, anyway, I think she can spare me for the morning.”

Mom smiles and kisses my cheek on my way out. I feel dirty for reasons I don’t want to think about.

I run to the marketplace.

So here’s what I’m hoping. I want enough fish so that I can get some for Dylan without trouble, but I want there to be a few less than usual, so I’ll know that Teeth has been gone all this time because he’s freeing more fish. He’s getting away. Maybe they catch him, but he has time to get out and breathe, but then he goes back in because he might be an *, but f*ck, he’s brave.

So that’s what I want to see. Enough fish, but slightly fewer than usual, and I won’t have to worry about anything.