Shut Out(59)

“You’re an *,” I said, spinning to face him. He was sitting on his bed, staring at me with wide, confused eyes, his shirt forgotten. “You just toy with people! This is all just a game to you, isn’t it? Making girls fall for you and then never… You play with girls’ heads by making them think they’re special when, really, you don’t give a damn.”

He blinked at me once before finding his T-shirt and pulling it back over his head. “Lissa,” he said, having regained his breath. His voice was smooth but low. “What are you talking about?”

“You play mind games,” I said. “You mess with girls’ heads, and you shouldn’t. It’s wrong and selfish and cruel.”

“Wait—I play mind games?” Cash was suddenly on his feet, looking across the tiny room at me as if I were insane. “I don’t know why you’re saying this, but you’re being really hypocritical right now. If anyone plays with people’s heads, it’s you.”

“Excuse me?”

“This whole strike has turned into a way to f*ck with people, Lissa,” he snapped. “It was one thing when you were just boycotting sex, but now… Look at you. You’re using sex to get what you want—playing with my feelings for your own benefit. That’s why you came over, right? I’m not stupid. You’re the one who’s cruel, Lissa. Not me.”

I sneered at him. “You’re no better—leading the boys’ side, trying to seduce us.”

“We’re not manipulating anyone,” he said.

“Yes you are!” I shouted.

“Lissa, the boys haven’t done anything like this,” he argued. “Maybe the swimming-pool thing was wrong, but that doesn’t even compare to—”

“I’m not talking about the damn swimming pool.”

“We haven’t been toying with or teasing anyone the way you are.”

I glared up at him. “So you agree with the other boys at school? You think I’m a cock tease, right?”

Cash’s face softened a little. “Lissa,” he said quietly, “you choosing not to sleep with Randy doesn’t make you a tease. It makes you… Well, it makes you smart, but aside from that, it makes you independent. There was nothing wrong with your decision. And there was nothing wrong with the strike in the beginning, when it was just saying no.” He stepped a little closer to me, green eyes pressing into mine. “But there is something wrong with using other people’s feelings against them. Manipulating them. The way some of the strike girls are doing. The way you’re trying to manipulate me… That’s what makes you a tease. Fucking with people’s heads to get what you want—to get that control you say you’re desperate for—without giving anything in return.”

He was right. When this had started, I’d said we weren’t using sex as a weapon. But some of the girls were. I’d even encouraged it.

I could feel tears stinging my eyes. It hurt to hear, hurt to know that I really was a tease. I’d spent weeks discussing and fighting sexual labels with the other girls, but here I was, deliberately tormenting Cash with sex, becoming the stereotype. I was ashamed of myself.

But I just couldn’t stop fighting him. “So I’m a bad person because I won’t sleep with you?” I demanded, knowing that wasn’t what he meant but needing so badly to hurt him. I needed him to feel as angry as I did. To hate himself as much as I hated myself at that moment. I wanted him to regret every bad moment between us, the same way I did.

Cash flinched. “I did not say that,” he said. “And that’s not how I meant it. Lissa, I—”

“Good,” I yelled. “Because… Because nothing will ever happen between us again.” I was backing toward the door of his bedroom. I had to get out of there before more stupid things left my mouth. “We’re done. It was just a game, right? This whole thing between us—kissing me in the library the other day, all the flirting—it was a game so you’d win the war. Well, game over. I played, and now I’m done. I can’t do this anymore.”

“It wasn’t a game,” Cash whispered. “Not to me.”

But I barely heard him as I bolted from the room, clapping a hand over my mouth to keep from saying another word. I didn’t let myself stop to think about what he could have meant by that. Didn’t let myself hope or dream. I just ran.

I’d lost it. My sanity, my ability to think, my control. I’d let Cash get the better of me, and I’d lost my cool physically and verbally. I was ashamed and embarrassed, and before I even got out of the trailer, I was regretting every word I’d said.





chapter twenty-seven


I was already outside on the porch before I remembered that Cash had driven me here. “Fuck,” I wailed, sinking down onto the front steps of the trailer and burying my face in my hands.

I took a deep breath and forced myself to calm down. Freaking out would only make this infinitely worse. I needed to keep my cool. To stay in control. To think and find a way out of here.

I heard the door of the trailer slide open behind me. “Lissa,” Cash said, his voice gentle as his footsteps shook the loose wooden boards I was sitting on. “Do you need a ride?”

“No, thank you,” I said in a stiff, polite voice. I self-consciously tucked the hem of my skirt beneath my knees, feeling exposed.