She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not(21)

It’s been four days since Gage took a drink and broke my heart. Four days since I came home, took off my dress and cried in the shower. Because however much I was uncertain how he felt, I know how I felt. I loved him.

Stupid to think that, because we’re so young. Even more stupid because I know better—know that people are never that good, that honest.

He has called and texted a few times, and I have ignored him. The only response I sent was today to remind him to bring his reflection paper to Life Science on Friday. He wasn’t in class; I was relieved, but I still need to get an A on this project, which means we still have to present in front of the group, and we each need to complete our own reflection on what it means to be part of a pair.

Heartbreak. Elation. Confusion. Take your pick.

Dear Karma, I get it now. People suck—we love them anyway. Gage. My mom. Why do you have to rub my face in it?

It’s past midnight, and the house is quiet. I’m lying in my bed, staring at the ceiling. Macy and Gia are both in their beds. I can make their forms out under the blankets. Sniffling back the tears that seem ready to threaten at any moment these days, I roll onto my side and muffle them into my pillow.

“Kennedy? Are you okay?”

I nod, swallowing back the lump in my throat, before answering Gia. “Yeah. Go to sleep,” I whisper. She’s quiet a moment longer, and then she’s rolling over, laying on her side so we’re facing each other from across the small space.

“Is this about Gage?” she whispers. I hesitate a second—then I nod. “Did he… did he hurt you?” I shake my head, because I know what being hurt by someone means in Gia’s world, and it’s not the same.

“No, but he broke my heart—and my trust.”

She’s quiet for a second, and so am I. Macy’s small snores carry through our room, and we both smile. For some reason, this has the tears I’ve kept at bay spilling over.

Gia gets out of her bed and comes to mine, slipping under the covers so she can wrap an arm around me. I let her—aware that, of all people, she’ll understand how I feel.

“I didn’t want to trust him,” I tell her. “And then I did. He drank,” I admit, hating the words as much as the way they make me feel. “And I don’t know if he was going to drive.”

I feel Gia pause—and then I feel her exhale. She gets it, the fear that always comes with that kind of unknown. Maybe it’s because of that shared knowledge, or just because I need her, but I finally break the barrier and ask my sister about her past.

“Do you hate your parents, Gia?”

I don’t know the whole story—just enough. Gia was abandoned in a warehouse when she was little. She bounced around until Brad and April, and, now, she lives in a home that’s temporary, while the state pays for us. April and Brad care about us, but they also get a paycheck for us. It’s hard to know that.

Harder still to know that the people who were supposed to love you never did.

“No. I did,” she says, when I pull back enough to look at her. “But, at some point, I realized that I hate what they did. Them?” She shakes her head. “I don’t know. I guess if they came back for me… I would want to try and forgive them.” She rolls onto her back to look at the ceiling. So do I. “Probably makes me weak and lame. I mean, they left me, right? Who does that?”

I think of my own mom. How much I hated her at times, and, then, about how I cried when she never came back. Would I forgive her if she could come back? I can’t… so it’s moot. But I can forgive Gage… can’t I?

“Are you going to forgive him?”

Gia’s question breaks into my fog. “I don’t know. I hate what he did… but I get that he didn’t do it to hurt me.” But, God, did it hurt. He’s not like anyone else, and, with that one choice, everything about him dimmed and I saw him the way I saw everyone else: irresponsible and untrustworthy. It’s not fair, but it’s true. “I can’t be with someone who drinks… I don’t know if I ever can.”

“You could tell him that. This is the first time it’s ever happened… but maybe—maybe he was just scared, too, and he made a mistake. A big one,” she adds, and I smile.

“I really liked him,” I admit. “I think that’s why it hurt so bad.”

Gia nods. “I think he liked you, too.”

“What if he does it again?” My stomach seizes at the thought. “What if I can never trust him?”

Gia shakes her head. “I don’t know. But I guess you won’t, either, if you don’t try.”





Chapter 20: D-Day

Gage

Kenny is late. Kenny is never late.

I waited by the bus lane, and then her locker, but she was nowhere to be found. I even checked out the library like a true stalker, walking by each nook and cranny she usually hides away in with zero luck. Now, the bell has rung and I’m sitting at our table alone, flipping my phone back and forth and wondering if I should text her. Maybe call her. Send a Tweet?

We haven’t talked in seven days. Monday, she ran away from me, and, Wednesday, I skipped class because I wasn’t ready to see her. She’s ignored all of my calls and texts, only responding once to remind me about homework.

Now, I’m not sure I’m ready, but I’m here and I have a plan. That plan doesn’t work if she isn’t here.