See You at Harry's(35)

THE NEXT MORNING, when I step into the hallway, the light in Charlie’s room is on and I can hear a sobbing sound coming from inside. I step back into the shadow of my room. After a few minutes, I see my dad come out of Charlie’s room with Doll in his hands. He pauses outside the door and wipes his eyes with the cuffs of his shirt. I listen to him go down the stairs before I crawl back into bed.

When my dad comes back home, he tells us all to eat breakfast and then get some warm clothes on. “We’re getting out of here for a bit,” he says.

When we’re heading down the driveway, Sara asks where we’re going. No one mentions that my mom still hasn’t left her bedroom.

“Away from the house. Just for a little while,” my dad says.

We drive through town and back out the other side, along the lake. It’s a cold late-September day, so no one is at the beach. My dad parks in the empty lot, and we all get out. He gets the thick wool picnic blanket from the back and leads us to the far end of the beach, out of sight of the parking lot. We sit along the edge of the blanket, facing the water. The wind is blowing, causing small whitecaps on the waves. We sit there listening to the steady lap of the water on the shore. We’ve been here as a family so many times. My dad used to throw us up out of the water so we could cannonball one another. He taught us how to float on our backs and look up at the clouds. And Holden and I used to dig holes in the sand to make a swimming pool for Doll.

A group of seagulls nears. In their screechy chatter, I can almost hear the echo of Charlie’s giggles.

The ache in my chest rises up in my throat again. I want to scream at the birds, at the water, at the sky. It isn’t fair!

It isn’t fair.

My dad gets up and walks to the edge of the water. He picks up a stone and skips it out across the surface. It hops three times before it disappears. We watch him silently from the blanket. The cold air blows between us. Even though I am sitting between my brother and sister, I feel more alone than I’ve ever felt in my whole life. I close my eyes and will Charlie to come running up behind me, put his sticky hands over my eyes, and scream, “Guess who?” in my ear. I wait and wait.

My dad comes back over to us and kneels in the sand, facing us. His hair is all windblown, and I think it looks grayer. He looks down at his giant thighs and rubs his hands on them.

“I made arrangements for the memorial service to be on Sunday afternoon.” He turns away and looks at the lake. “And on Monday, Fern and Holden, you’ll go back to school. Sara, Mom, and I will go back to work at the restaurant. I think . . . I think we need to get back into a routine. The sooner, the better.”

“Mom can’t even get out of bed,” Holden says.

My dad sighs. “She will.”

But how does he know? How does he know she’ll come down? How does he know she won’t stay up there forever? How does he know she won’t just fade away?

We’re all quiet again. So quiet I can’t stand it. A seagull comes over and dips its head toward my dad’s leg. He shoos it off. If Charlie were here, he’d chase it away with Doll, giggling as he ran.

I want him back.

I want him to come running up the beach and scream, “Surprise! I’m OK! It was all a big mistake!”

But the beach stays deserted, except for us.

“It’s my fault,” I whisper. “If I’d caught up to him fast enough, I could’ve pushed him out of the way.” I imagine myself shoving Charlie aside just in time. I imagine me being the one to fall on the pavement. Got you, Big Bad Wolf! Charlie would say, laughing. And I would be the hero. Fern. The one who saves.

“It should have been me.”

“Don’t, Fern,” Holden says.

But I imagine how different everything would be. If it had been me, everyone would have Charlie to make them feel better. And me being gone wouldn’t really feel all that different, since no one really notices me anyway. It would have been so much better if it had been me instead.

“It’s true. I was the Big Bad Wolf. He ran away from me because I wasn’t paying attention to him. I was ignoring him!”

“Don’t do this, honey,” my dad says. He puts his warm hand on my shoulder, but I shrug it off.

“You know it’s true! ” I yell. “All he wanted was a little attention. But I just ignored him! It’s all my fault!”

“Stop it!” Sara screams. And we all turn to look at her. “Stop saying that! Stop thinking it!” She’s scratched her face. “I can’t stand it!” she yells. “Just stop!”

But I can’t. Because I know it’s true.

I get up and run to the water. I don’t know what I’m thinking, but I just start walking in. The truth feels like it’s crushing me. Drowning me before I even get up to my knees.

The water seeps through my sneakers and up my jeans. It’s icy cold, and it’s such a relief to feel an outside hurt take over the hurt inside. The pain stings my ankles and crawls up my legs as I walk in deeper.

“Fern!” they all call behind me, but I don’t turn. I walk in deeper. I slam my fists at the water. At the seagulls. At the sky.

“Why did you do it! He was just a little boy!” I scream and splash and shake from the cold. All the while I can see Charlie in my mind. Hear him laughing. See him looking back at me as he ran away. Me. The Big Bad Wolf coming to get him.