Remember Jamie Baker (Jamie Baker #3)(24)
The plane shook a little and a small squeak escaped me, accompanied by a surge of energy that made the cabin lights flicker. All eyes immediately found me. “Whoa, Jamie, relax,” Ryan said, as if he just realized I was freaking out. “Babe, I’m not sure frying the plane would be the best thing to do.”
“Sorry.” I gasped. “I just lose control when I’m freaked out.”
“You’re a nervous flier?” Ryan sounded surprised.
“I guess so. I’ve never done it before.”
The ACEs all watched me with wide eyes. Their fear that I would fry the plane and send us all to our fiery deaths was evident.
“Hey, did you know that your favorite place in the whole world is the Grand Canyon?” Ryan said suddenly.
He was trying to distract me, and it worked. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath, held it in my lungs until they burned, and then slowly let it out. The edges of my mouth curled into a small smile, and my hands relaxed their grip just a tiny bit. “I actually did know that. I used to go out there whenever I needed to get away from Teddy or our situation, or just whatever. The sunsets there are the most amazing things I’ve ever seen.”
That made Ryan smile. “Did you know that’s where we were the last time I saw you? It’s where I asked you to marry me.” He chuckled and then said, “Well, I guess, technically, you asked me first. You asked me to spend the rest of my life with you. But I was the first one to actually say ‘marry me.’ And I already had the ring, so I think I still win.”
His story hurt my heart. It sounded like a beautiful memory, but it was one I’d never have. I dug into my purse—the ACEs found it in the mess at the motel and had given it back to me minus my compromised phone—and pulled the engagement ring out of it. I was glad I hadn’t gotten rid of it now, but looking at it still made me sad. It was perfect, exactly the type of ring I’d pick for myself, and yet I couldn’t stand the sight of it. I should have loved it. It should have been one of my most cherished possessions, but, thanks to Teddy, I now hated and resented it. I handed it over to Ryan. “I think this belongs to you.”
“Actually, it doesn’t,” he said, smiling. “It’s yours.”
I shook my head and insisted. “Please take it.”
Ryan pushed my hand back to my lap without taking the ring. “We don’t have to be engaged, but I still want you to keep it.”
“I don’t want it,” I blurted, finally looking up to meet Ryan’s gaze. “I hate it.”
Ryan’s face went white, and he reared back as if I’d slapped him.
“I’m sorry,” I said, trying to get ahold of myself. “I don’t mean to hurt your feelings, but this ring means something entirely different to you than it does to me.” I hoped I could explain this right, because the pain in his expression was killing me. “This ring is a manacle for me—a prison. It’s the thing that’s kept me so miserable for the last six months, which, since that’s all I can remember, is basically my entire life. Now it’s also a reminder of how betrayed I was. When I look at it, all I see is a lie. All I feel is anger and heartbreak. Please take it back. I need to be rid of it. I need to be free.”
I’d been staring at the ring, but when Ryan didn’t respond, I looked up. His eyes were closed. His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed, and he took a very long, deep breath. The way he let it out seemed almost Zen-like. He did this twice more and then tucked the ring into his front pants pocket. I thought he’d be mad, or maybe devastated, but if he was, he didn’t show it. When he finally opened his eyes, he looked at me with nothing but concern. “Will you tell me about it?”
My first instinct was to say no. I didn’t think I was a very open person by nature. At least, I’d always had a hard time talking to Teddy that way. But I needed to have this conversation. Ryan seemed like a very nice guy. I didn’t want him to hurt any more than he had to. If it would help him to understand my rejections, then I needed to be brave. “When Teddy found me after the explosion, I didn’t know who he was, but he knew me. He told me that I was his fiancée.”
Ryan sucked in another deep breath and asked, “And you believed him?”
I turned my face away from him, embarrassed that I could have been so completely fooled. “I was wearing his ring,” I whispered. “He brought me home to a house filled with clothes that fit me. He had my ID. He knew about all my different abilities—he was the one who explained them all to me and helped me regain my control of them. I had to believe him. My heart never bought it, but my brain had no choice.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“I never loved him,” I admitted. “I tried to. I tried so hard to make myself want him the way he wanted me. At first, he was so patient and sweet. He was kind and sympathetic. He really helped me through the whole terrifying ordeal of knowing nothing. He was all I had—all I knew—and he wanted me so much. He loved me, and I just kept disappointing him.”
My eyes glossed over with moisture, and I tried my hardest to push back tears. “I tried to be the girl he told me I was, but I just couldn’t. He was my best friend, my family, but I could only ever love him like a brother. I let him down over and over again, until he started to resent me. I couldn’t understand why things had changed so much, but I refused to give up because I was wearing that stupid ring, and I thought that meant I’d loved him once.”