Rayne & Delilah's Midnite Matinee(96)

Quite an omen. It’s probably not great that I already want to cry.

I swallow down the stiff knot in my throat, gather everything, and keep struggling my way inside.

Arliss has our stage ready. The end table. A solitary chair. Josie’s chair sits off to the side of the stage. Empty. I feel like I’m sliding down wet grass toward a muddy pond. I don’t know how I’m going to do this.

Arliss is setting up the camera.

“Hey,” I say to him.

“Hey,” he says.

I walk over and hand him an envelope. “I’m sorry. I only have thirty bucks today. Our car broke down last week and Josie’s not around to split the cost, so—” Part of me wants him to say, No, deal’s a deal. Fifty bucks or I walk. Then I would have an excuse to give up.

Arliss takes the envelope. Holds it for a second, taps it with his index finger, then hands it back. “Don’t sweat it.”

“I can get you the rest, I promise. I just—”

“Don’t sweat it,” he says softly but firmly.

“Take what’s there.”

“I don’t know how many more ways I can say don’t sweat it.”

“Okay.”

I give Arliss the cue sheet and tell him about this week’s movie. He keeps setting up, and so do I. I finish a couple of minutes before him and sit quietly, jitters winding between my ribs like snakes. I check my makeup and make a few adjustments. I think about doing some vocal warm-ups like Josie used to do, but I can’t remember hers. I recall some of the things I planned during my solo preshow planning session.

Arliss finishes and gives me a thumbs-up. I give him a frail smile and return his thumbs-up. He raises his hand, fingers splayed, and starts counting down. “In five, four, three, two—” He points at me.

I suddenly feel an overwhelming, palpable solitude. It’s terrifying to be alone when all eyes are on you. It’s like realizing you’re standing on the highest branch of a tree. This is not like my dad leaving me, when at least my pain was private. Everyone who watches our show can see. But not my dad. Now I know he doesn’t watch.

“Hey, ladies and goblins, it’s time for—sorry, I mean maybe—” I stammer with forced brightness. “Ugh. Cut. I screwed up already. Can we—”

He nods. “In five, four, three, two—” He points.

I take a deep breath. My head swims. I had no idea how much I depended on Josie for strength until this moment. I had no idea how much I depended on the faintest glimmer of a possibility of my dad seeing me until this moment.

“Hey, ladies and goblins, I’m Delilah Darkwood. Maybe you noticed”—my voice starts to quaver—“it’s just me this week.” My heart feels like it got elbowed in the boob. My composure collapses. I feel my face crumple into itself. I cover my mouth with my hand and tears pour hot over it like a river flooding over a spillway. I have to keep going. This is take two, and I’m all out of takes—good enough for access, as Arliss would say. But I can’t gather myself. I start sobbing. Full-on Honey, are you okay? Do you need me to call someone? Are you sure? But are you sure you’re sure? sobbing. I look up through the blur and see Arliss walking over. I shake my head. I can’t. I’m sorry for wasting your time, I try to say with my head shake.

He veers right, to where Josie’s empty chair faces away from me. He grabs it, drags it over so that it’s facing me, and sits.

I try to tell him I’m sorry, but I can’t talk. My heart is splitting.

Arliss reaches out and puts a warm, heavy, strong hand on my shoulder. I make blurred eye contact with him but still can’t speak.

He readjusts his baseball cap and slowly nods. “Let me tell you what I know about getting left behind,” he says, more quietly and gently than I’ve ever heard him.

“That sounds like a fun conversation,” I manage.

“I’ll forgive the sassmouth this time.” He strokes his beard and looks at the ground for a second, and then back up at me. “Woulda been 1998. You weren’t even born yet. I was having a real good time. Lord. I looked cool. I had a sexy, wild girlfriend who was three years older than me and had a tattoo of a rose right above her—Well, anyway. I played a mean bass. Was on the road with Cole Conway. That’s where I picked up my girlfriend. Cole was supposed to be the next big thing in country music. The next Garth Brooks, they said. I’d acquired a little bit of a heroin habit along the way, but it wasn’t any big deal, I thought. Just put me in a good mood, right? I ain’t always in the best mood.”

I shake my head and wipe my eyes with my pinkies, trying not to smear my badly smeared mascara any more. “Hadn’t noticed, really.”

“So I’m flying high. Turns out, I wasn’t the only one having a good time. That girlfriend of mine had been having a little fun of her own, and so had Cole. Fact, they’d been having a little fun together.”

“She sounds cool and nice,” I say.

“You could say that.” Arliss sighs long and deep. He averts his eyes, but before he does, I see the hurt flickering in them like a dying candle flame. He clicks his tongue a few times, in the way of someone trying to buy time before doing something painful. “Well, I take the news…hard. I start using a lot. We pull into a truck stop outside Jackson. I walk into a restroom stall, stick a needle in my arm, and wake up all alone in Madison County Hospital. And that’s where the party ended for me. I spent a little while in the hospital, and then they transferred me to an inpatient drug rehab center so I could clean up.