Puddin'(76)

I wish to feel like this all the time. That I’ve found my place, and that my place isn’t just a geographical coordinate, but a living, breathing thing that I carry inside of me. That is my 0.10 percent wish.

I open my eyes. “Done,” I say. “Just in case.”

Slowly everyone slips into their tents—Willowdean, Ellen, and Hannah in one, and the rest of us in the other—until it’s just me, Amanda, and Millie lying on the blanket outside. Except Amanda is definitely asleep, and when she’s not asleep, she’s fighting to stay awake.

“Amanda, you should lie down inside the tent,” says Millie.

“I’m awake, okay?” Amanda says, her lips barely moving. “Let me live.”

Millie shrugs. “So, Ashley Cheeseburger,” she says. “How does it feel to be officially seventeen years old?”

“Huh. It’s after midnight, so I guess it feels pretty much the same as sixteen felt yesterday.”

“But you can see R-rated movies now,” Amanda chimes in sluggishly.

Millie nods. “Good point.” She turns to me. “Your grandma is super stinking cool, by the way.”

“She really is.” I cross my arms behind my head. “I’m weirdly jealous of her. Like, I want to be that put together and know what the hell I’m doing with my life.”

“Callie, you’ve got lots of time.”

“I mean, I guess so,” I say. “What if I die tomorrow? My tombstone will just read, ‘She was kicked off the dance team, but at least they went to Nationals.’ I just feel like there’s all this pressure to suddenly know what I’m going to do now that I’m not a Shamrock. And honestly, I just don’t know. Maybe I don’t want to go to college. Or maybe I do, but I want to go to school in, like, Spain. Or hell, maybe I want to be a truck driver or—”

Millie laughs. “Don’t you get it?”

“What?”

“It doesn’t have to be pressure to find something new or be someone else all of a sudden. Maybe you do decide to go back to dance. You don’t need a team to dance. Or maybe you want to be an engineer or work at a makeup counter. It doesn’t matter. I know getting kicked off the Shamrocks stunk, but it doesn’t have to be this dark cloud forever. It can be a chance to find out who you really want to be.”

I’m quiet for a moment as all that sinks in. The only sound between us is a chorus of crickets and Amanda’s light snores. “That makes sense. It does. But I just want to know who I’m going to be so I can start being that person.”

“Even the wrong direction sometimes feels better than no direction at all.”

“Yes!” I say. “That. Exactly that.”

Millie half smiles. “But that doesn’t make it right. Sometimes the best things are worth waiting for. Don’t be scared to take your time.”

Something about what she’s said rings true, but it still puts my stomach in knots. Part of me doesn’t care who I am or what I’m doing as long as I’m at the top, but maybe that’s not how it has to be.

“It kind of reminds me of fat camp out here, and how quiet it was at night,” says Millie, interrupting my thoughts.

“Well, I guess that means you’ll have to come camping here again, since fat camp is a thing of the past.” For the first time, saying the word fat doesn’t make me feel anything. It’s just a word. It doesn’t make me feel like I’m holding it over someone as a way to make fun of them or like I’m being rude.

Millie smiles. “Yeah.” It comes out like a sigh. “I’d like that.”

“Hey, did you ever send in your application for journalism camp?” I ask.

“Just putting the finishing touches on my application. I made my audition video, too.”

“Shut up! I want to see.” As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I regret it a little bit. I’ve never been great at hiding my feelings and I might be a jerk, but I don’t want to hurt Millie.

She checks behind us to make sure everyone is asleep, Amanda included. “Okay, but you can’t laugh. The only other person who’s seen it is Malik, because he’s the one who helped me cut the whole thing together.”

We both sit up, and she pulls her cell phone out of the pocket of her lavender hoodie and scrolls through an album until she lands on a video.

I take the phone from her and hit play. I watch Millie, in a sharp blue suit, sitting behind a news desk. Her curls are a little too tight, and at first, she’s giving me deer-in-headlight vibes. But I think that’s just because I know everyday Millie. She delivers stories about our school and there are even fancy graphics. And she actually has some great jokes—better than our local weatherman, who dons a yellow raincoat and cranks up a wind machine anytime storms are in his forecast. I would even go so far as to say she’s charming. Her puns are cute and perfectly timed. And her lipstick! I know that lipstick.

The video cuts to a few shots where Millie is reporting “live,” and then it’s over, with short credits naming her and Malik.

I hand the phone back to her, and she waits in silence for my response.

“You. Were. Born. For. This,” I finally say, and to my horror, I hear my voice crack. God. When did I turn into such a feelsy loser?

“Oh my gosh,” says Millie, touching my leg. “Are you okay?”