Puddin'(27)

I can feel myself blinking too much, like I’m trying to process this information, but my body is malfunctioning. I know Amanda has never had a boyfriend. Or girlfriend. But I’ve never really thought anything of it. I’ve heard of girls not meeting anyone until college or even after. I just figured it wasn’t a priority for Amanda.

I form my words carefully, like I’m tiptoeing around the edge of a cliff. “Do you—do you think you’ll always feel this way?”

Amanda smiles. “Do you think you’ll always have a crush on Malik?”

My cheeks spark into flames.

“Sorry,” she says. “I just meant that I don’t really know, but it feels pretty permanent for now.”

Hannah lets out a long groan. “Y’all need to get on the damn internet or something. Amanda is asexual. Aren’t you, Amanda?”

Amanda’s gaze connects with Hannah’s and something inside me feels hollow. Amanda is my best friend, and I want to understand her as well as Hannah does in this moment, but I feel like I’m a few steps behind.

“Well,” says Amanda, “technically biromantic asexual. I think.”

“Not to be a total ass,” says Will, “but can someone translate, please?”

Hannah opens her mouth to speak, but Amanda says, “I got this.”

Hannah smiles—a real smile!—and nods.

“So what that means,” explains Amanda, “is that I can experience different kinds of attraction, but I personally don’t have sexual feelings for anyone.” She turns to Will. “Maybe it sounds complicated. But it feels pretty simple to me. And I guess that’s all that matters.”

“But you said you might want to have sex,” says Will, “so how can that happen without sexual attraction?”

Hannah opens her mouth again, but looks to Amanda first, who nods an approval. “It’s like not being hungry, but still being okay with eating pizza or even enjoying it. And then there are some people who just don’t like pizza no matter what.”

Amanda cracks a smile as she nods. “Totally.”

Will nods. “Okay. Okay. I think I get it.”

Hannah smirks. “Congratulations!”

Ellen shrugs. “Sounds good to me.”

And then Amanda looks to me, waiting for me to say something. And the truth is Amanda could be sexually attracted only to people who have detached earlobes, and I wouldn’t care. My mom and dad . . . they have a hard time understanding anything that’s not boy + girl = marriage, house, and baby, but that never worked for me. So I’m not sad that Amanda is asexual. But I’m just sad she never told me. Or maybe it’s that I wasn’t listening closely enough when she did try to tell me.

“It’s great!” I finally say, my voice too high and too loud. “Whatever makes you happy makes me happy.”

Amanda smiles, but it’s a little strained.

Ellen gasps. “Oh my God! I totally forgot to ask you about your uncle’s gym, Millie!”

I nod, glad for the change of subject. “It’s been such a mess. But the police think they caught the person who organized the whole thing.” Well, actually, they definitely have and I’m the one who cracked the case. But I don’t exactly want that going around school. I don’t mind attention, but I don’t need that kind.

“Are you serious?” asks Will. “Our police department can solve actual crimes?”

Hannah chuckles.

I smile and nod.

“Well, who was it?” asks Ellen eagerly.

I guess everyone will find out soon enough. “Callie Reyes,” I say. “One of the dance-team assistant captains.”

“That bitch!” exclaims Willowdean. She turns to Ellen. “I told you she was awful.”

Ellen rolls her eyes.

“She is pretty horrible,” Amanda says.

“Won’t fight you on that one,” says Hannah. “I heard her best friend hooked up with her boyfriend and she stayed with him and dumped her best friend.”

Ellen sighs. “That’s not actually true. Mainly because she doesn’t really have any friends. But he is kind of a jerk. Super showy about money, and he speeds through school zones, and for some reason that just really pisses me off.”

I shake my head. “No, thank you,” I say.

“Well,” says Ellen, “she’s not exactly a basket of sunshine herself.”

I shake my head. “Now she’s my new coworker.”

“Are you serious?” Willowdean’s eyes go wide with horror.

I nod. “That’s the deal. She wouldn’t rat out anyone else she was with—”

“Are you serious?” asks Hannah. “I didn’t peg her for the loyal type.”

“Of course it was the dance team,” says Amanda.

I cross my arms over my chest. “That’s what makes the most sense with the gym dropping out as a sponsor, but Callie was the only one we could identify on camera, and she wouldn’t give up anyone else. So Sheriff Bell, Uncle Vernon, and her parents agreed she would step down from the dance team and work off the damages at the gym. And I get to train her. When her debt is paid off, Uncle Vernon will drop all charges against her.”

Willowdean shakes her head. “If there’s anyone I’m sorry for here, it’s you. That girl is like a ball of prickly burrs all tied up in a bow.”