None of the Above(64)

We walked back toward my car huddled together to shield ourselves from the cold, and I thought about my new reality. It would take a while to sink in. Then again, all good changes did.





CHAPTER 38


As I fumbled around in my purse for my car keys, I noticed my cell phone blinking. There was a text from Jessica that must’ve come through while I was in the bathroom at home.

Got UR message. We’re catching the 8:10 show at Sangertown. CU there.

It was like a time capsule from the past. I almost didn’t remember that I had called Jessica out of loneliness. I hadn’t known, then, that I was partly to blame for my isolation. Now that I had let the weight of my self-pity go, I felt strangely adrift.

On my way home, I passed by the Sangertown Square Mall. I glanced at the clock—it was almost ten—and found myself turning in to the mall, and heading toward the movie theaters in the back lot.

Maybe Vee had been right. It was time to move on.

When I got to the theater, the movie was letting out in ten minutes. So I sat in the lobby next to a giant cardboard cutout of a cartoon monkey, trying not to look too stalkerish.

As people poured from the theater, I saw Jessica first, arguing with her boyfriend, Quincy, also a debater. A couple of other Honors kids trailed after them, and then Darren came out with Becky. They were holding hands, cute as ever, and I was struck once again by how petite Becky was. I felt like an Amazon next to her.

Darren did a double take after he saw me, and the two of them parted.

“Hey,” Jessica said as the group gathered in front of me. “We missed you.”

“Sorry, I didn’t get your text until just now. But you guys were going out afterward, right?”

“That’s the plan. Meet you at Carmella’s?”

At the restaurant, the seven of us squeezed into a booth. Jessica and Quincy sat on one side with Jorge, who I knew from AP English class. Becky slid into the opposite side after her friend Miranda, and Darren and I followed. I took the outside seat.

It’d been weeks since I’d been out with a group, and I couldn’t believe how loud they were. Everyone talked over each other, angling for laughs and groans instead of saying things that actually mattered. Mostly, I listened. I was the seventh wheel, the one who disturbed the balance of the table.

I was aware of Darren’s every move next to me. When he talked, I could actually feel the vibration of his baritone. When his sleeve brushed my arm as he reached for his Diet Dr Pepper, it sent a little quiver down my spine.

Jessica was going off about the Bond girl. “Next time, they should just use an inflatable vagina, instead of bothering an actual actress with the part. Those roles are so f*cking degrading.”

“What, you didn’t think that one scene when she jabbed the guy in the eye with a nail file was an example of a strong woman?” Darren quipped.

“Sadly, yes. That was her best moment. At least she saved her own ass.”

I excused myself to go to the bathroom. In the stall I slumped on the toilet, breathing in the silence, letting it restore me so I could go back out again. Maybe I should’ve stayed at the club. It would’ve been noisy, but it would’ve been moving noisy. I tried to close my eyes and visualize myself laughing with the others. Real laughs that bubbled up from the belly, not forced ones that felt pumped out.

When I came back our nachos had arrived and were already half destroyed. “You okay?” Darren asked me.

“I’m fine,” I said, so it would be true. I touched my nose, wondering if it was still red. “Is there something wrong with my face?”

“No,” he said hastily. “You just looked worried, that’s all.”

“Way to stress a girl out, Darren,” said Becky, giving him a little shove. “Haven’t I taught you anything?”

“Shit. I knew I should’ve taken notes.” He gave me a panicked look and stage-whispered, “Don’t tell anyone, but I think I’m gonna fail Boyfriend 101. My teacher’s a total hard-ass.”

Becky punched him. A giggle bubbled up from my belly, despite myself.

Jessica and Darren’s friends were easy to hang out with. Maybe it was because they were from different grades, but they hardly mentioned any other people from our school except in passing. Mostly they talked about movies, and music. They talked about Jessica’s play, and where they were thinking of going to college.

Becky frowned when Darren mentioned Columbia. “Cornell’s an awesome school, too,” she reminded him. “And it’s so much closer.”

After the nachos had been reduced to a puddle of scraped-over cheese, we sat for over an hour, until our waitress pointedly brought our check. I trailed the others out of the restaurant, and saw Darren say something to Becky before dropping back to talk to me.

“Mind if I hitch a ride home with you?” he asked. “I rode with Quincy, but you’re a lot closer.”

“Sure, I guess.” I gave a fleeting thought to what Becky would think of him riding home with me. Though I wasn’t exactly competition.

The passenger seat was still pushed way back from the last time we’d carpooled to the health clinic, and Darren slid in.

“It was fun hanging out with you guys,” I said as we pulled out of the parking lot.

“Well, it was cool to have you there,” Darren said, his voice strangely stiff. I looked over at him. Where had the ease of our carpool and running conversations gone? It was like he was suddenly treating me like someone he’d just met.