None of the Above(30)

What if I never ran another race in my life? I couldn’t imagine it. Couldn’t imagine never again living in that perfect endless moment before the starting gun went off, never feeling the ecstasy of leaning into a finish tape. Of course, I would run. I would always run. But what did hurdlers do when their careers ended? They didn’t put hurdles up in their backyards just to remind themselves that they used to fly.

What was funny was that I never wanted to be an athlete. Then suddenly one day in phys ed—during all that Presidential Fitness stuff—I was the fastest. Faster than all the boys, even, except one or two. I joined the track team, and a couple of years later I had a college scholarship, a new posse, and a boyfriend.

Now I didn’t even have someone to walk with to the 7-Eleven.

Because I didn’t want to have any of the deli workers looking at me funny, I picked out one of the premade sandwiches even though they’re always gross and soggy.

In front of me, a little girl and her father waited to pay for some soft pretzels. The little girl sidled up to the candy racks. When she fingered some Kit Kats she lost hold of her stuffed rabbit, and it tumbled to the floor. I picked it up before it got trampled on by customers rushing in from the cold.

“Hey, you dropped something,” I said.


“Thanks,” said the dad, but the girl just stared at me for a second. As her father paid for their stuff, she kept on turning around to look at me. I wondered if she could tell that I wasn’t really a girl.

“Remember, Dee Dee, it’s not polite to stare,” her father whispered as he shuttled her out the door.

I bet if he knew the truth he’d stare, too.

“Five twenty-seven,” the cashier said, glancing at something to the side of his register. He didn’t even look at me as he palmed my bills and dished out the change. “Thank you. Next.”

The wind picked up when I went outside. I looked up at the sky, muddy and gray. No sun to be seen, even though it must be around noon. Kids were starting to shuffle back to school. Mostly they had their heads down from the cold and didn’t notice me, but one redhead with earmuffs recognized me from homeroom. She turned her back to me as she passed and whispered something to her friend, and I felt another wave of humiliation.

I walked up to the edge of the parking lot and watched the cars go by, catching little glimpses of the drivers’ faces. They all stared ahead at the road, everyone in such a rush to get to their destination, barely registering things on the outside before they blew on by. I wondered if they were going on errands, or rushing to hot dates. I wondered what they thought of when they saw me. Did they see a girl? A boy? Could they tell something was wrong?

I teetered on the side of the road, unable to see an opening to cross. There were too many cars. I was too tired. Way too tired to run.

I stepped out into oncoming traffic and looked to the left, saw a car approaching. I was vaguely aware that it was far enough away that I should be able to cross if I sprinted, but my limbs felt leaden, as if I were sleepwalking. The other side of the road seemed so very far away. I heard the screeching of tires, a wordless shout, and then something hit me from behind.





CHAPTER 17


A pair of arms enveloped me. I knelt on the side of the road like a supplicant, staring at the wheels of a Ford SUV. I could still feel the sting of its love tap on my right leg.

“. . . you okay?” I turned around and stared blankly at Darren Kowalski. He released me right away, but before he did he held his hands against my shoulders for a second as if afraid that I would topple over once he let go. We were close enough that I could see the individual strands of his curly hair flapping in the wind.

I nodded wordlessly. What had I almost done?

The owner of the SUV, a stocky middle-aged woman, slammed her door and came huffing over. She looked both scared and pissed.

“What the hell were you thinking? Didn’t you see me coming?”

I stared down at my gloveless hands, pockmarked with gravel. “I must have spaced out or something.” I rubbed the gravel off and stood up. “It’s so cold. . . . I must have forgotten to look both ways.”

The woman eyed me. “As long as you’re all right. I suppose you want my insurance information?” she asked hesitantly.

“No, that’s okay, I’m fine.” I showed her that I could walk around fine. The woman looked relieved, but I felt a hand on my shoulder.

“Are you sure?” Darren whispered into my ear. “Why don’t you get the information just in case something comes up. Things never hurt right away.”

“No.” I shook my head and leaned away from him. “You can go,” I told the SUV woman. “Please. I’m sorry to have bothered you.”

The woman started to say something, but another gust of wind blew and she hunkered back to her car and drove off. For a while I just toed the pebbles on the ground as the wind whipped my hair.

“You heading back?” Darren asked after I didn’t move. His voice was full of unanswered questions that I was grateful he didn’t ask. Behind him, a cluster of his friends from the AP/Honors track were huddled, shooting occasional looks at me.

I shook my head as if waking from a dream, then nodded. It was either that, or run home again. But I was tired of running. “Just give me a minute to catch my breath.”

“Hey, guys,” Darren shouted to his friends. “You can go without me.” They shuffled away. So I walked with Darren. We crossed the highway in silence—I was still in shock—but as we cut through the back alley of a gas station, he spoke.