Look Both Ways(69)

Zoe sighs and looks at the ceiling. “We talked about this last week, and you said you were okay with it.”

“Well, yeah, ’cause you were so upset, and I knew that was what you wanted me to say. But honestly, it was pretty weird being kicked out of my own room and knowing you were in here having sex with him when we had hooked up for the first time like a week before, and—”



“You don’t even want to hook up with me, though! Every time I try, you tell me to stop. Are you seriously telling me that it’s because of Carlos? What if I broke up with him? Would you let me touch you then?”

“It doesn’t matter, ’cause you’re not breaking up with him, are you?”

“It does matter. Answer the question.”

I grab a pillow and hug it to my stomach. “No, okay? It’s not totally about Carlos. It’s mostly about me not being ready and you pushing me.”

“But are you ever going to be ready? You said you did everything but have sex with Jason, so I know you’re not scared. And I know you’re not playing hard to get, because that’s not the kind of person you are. So what exactly is the problem here?”

I think about that first night when Zoe saved the best bite of her pizza for last. She’s not impatient; she loves delayed gratification. But she needs to know that perfect bite is coming at the end of the wait, and I know I can never give her that.

I take a deep breath, then another. The inevitable moment is coming when I’m going to ruin everything between us, and I want to hold it off a little bit longer. But if we don’t have this conversation now, we’re going to have it tomorrow or next week, and it’s never going to hurt any less.

“I don’t think I’m into this the way I thought,” I say.

Zoe doesn’t answer, and I feel like I have to fill the silence, so I keep talking. “I think you’re the absolute best. It’s nothing about you, or not liking you, or not thinking you’re attractive. I think you’re really attractive. But I think maybe it was better when we were just good friends, and we could tell each other everything and hang out all the time but we didn’t have to worry about all this complicated…stuff, you know?”



Zoe’s quiet for a few long seconds, and then she finally says, “It’s because I’m a girl, right?”

“I don’t know,” I say. “Maybe.”

“Jesus, Brooklyn. I asked you flat-out if you liked girls weeks ago, and you gave me some vague answer about how you could maybe like them under the right circumstances, and then you let me kiss you! Why didn’t you just say no?”

“This isn’t about liking girls, though. I really thought I liked you that way.”

“But it turns out you don’t,” Zoe says. “Oops. But no harm done, right? It’s not like anyone else here has feelings.” I’ve never heard her be sarcastic before, and it hurts more than I expected.

“Zoe, it’s not as straightforward as you’re making it sound. It’s not like I feel this way on purpose. Haven’t you ever been totally obsessed with someone and thought you were attracted to them and then figured out later that it was actually platonic?”

“No,” Zoe says. “When I’m attracted to someone, I know. It’s not hard to tell. I look at them and I think, ‘I want to have sex with that person.’?”

“But it doesn’t feel that different to me. I want to be with you all the time. I want to learn everything about you. I want to be the best version of myself, because that’s how I want you to see me. I always know exactly where you are in the room. That’s how a crush feels, except without all that…other stuff.”



Zoe stands up and towers over me on the bed. “You’re the one who started that ‘other stuff!’ You unzipped my dress after Pandemonium. It’s not like I made you. Were you just messing with me to see if you could? Is this some sort of weird power thing?”

“No! Of course not. I didn’t even mean for this whole thing to be, like, sexual at first. I felt so close to you, and I wanted to get closer and express how much you meant to me, and then it kind of got out of control and turned into this, and…I don’t know.”

“But you seemed like you liked it! Were you faking this entire time?”

“No! I love kissing you, Zoe. And I really tried to be okay with doing other stuff, but it makes me really uncomfortable, and I feel like if it’s this hard, it’s probably not right.”

Zoe rakes her fingers through her hair. “I can’t believe this is happening again. You’re exactly like Carina. I put myself out there, and I let myself fall for you, and then I find out you’re using me like some experiment you can throw out when it doesn’t go the way you planned! I’m not here for you to toy with while you figure out who you are or whatever! I was actually invested in this, and you should’ve told me you weren’t, so I didn’t make a complete ass of myself!”

“Zoe, I didn’t know! How was I supposed to know I didn’t like something when I’d never done it?”

“You let me throw myself at you! When I think about the stuff I said to you…God, you f*cking straight girls trying to find yourselves. I’m never going to learn, am I?”