Look Both Ways(56)

Zoe gets up. “Okay, I’ll be right back.”

“Should I come with you?”

“No, I can do it myself.” Her tone is light, but she obviously thinks it’ll be easier to talk them into working with us if I’m not there to screw things up. “Why don’t you put our names down on the sign-up sheet?”

“Shouldn’t we wait until they say yes?”

“They’ll say yes. I’m very convincing.”

She could just as easily have said, It’s a really good idea. I’m sure they’ll go for it or How could they not want to work with you? But she’s trying to help me, so I try not to be annoyed that she’s making this all about her. “Okay,” I say. “Thanks.”



“When I’m done, we’ll pick up Carlos and go get some dinner in town, okay?”

And that’s all it takes for my annoyance to get the better of me. How rude is it to assume I have nothing better to do than be a pathetic third wheel? “I can’t go out with you guys tonight,” I say, struggling to keep my voice even and pleasant.

“Why not?”

“Because I’m eating with Russell.”

Zoe looks confused. “I thought we weren’t supposed to start working on the show until midnight tomorrow.”

“We’re not working on the show; we’re hanging out. He’s my friend. And I’m sleeping in his room tonight so you and Carlos can…you know.”

“Oh,” Zoe says. “It’s just that I already told Carlos you’d come with us. We barely got to hang out with you the other day, and he wants to get to know you better.”

I can’t believe she’s making me argue with her about this. She has to know how much it sucks for me to see them together. “Carlos isn’t going to care if I’m there or not,” I say. “He wants to see you, not me.”

I wait for Zoe to make it right by saying, I care if you’re there. But instead she says, “All right. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow, then.” She sounds disappointed, but not disappointed enough.

As she walks away from me, I try not to feel too disappointed, either.





I lie awake for hours after Russell falls asleep on the floor that night, my mind chasing its tail like a hyperactive puppy. Is Zoe mad at me for ditching her and Carlos? She did me a favor by convincing the other apprentices to work with me on the play festival, and maybe I should’ve gone out with them in return, regardless of how uncomfortable I felt. Then again, she’s handled this whole Carlos situation so badly that maybe I don’t owe her anything. If her boyfriend was going to fly out here, she really should’ve talked to me about it beforehand and laid down some ground rules, right? I shouldn’t have been exiled to Russell’s room, and Carlos shouldn’t have been the one to ask me to go. All of that was Zoe’s responsibility, and she totally dropped the ball.

I send the universe an image of myself yelling all those things at her, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. I don’t want to fight. All I want is for Carlos to leave so she can be mine again.



I spend my whole crew call on Sunday debating whether to confront her. Maybe if I don’t say anything, the weirdness will fade away on its own. It might be too early in the relationship for me to complain; everything still feels fragile between Zoe and me, and I don’t want to ruin our last three weeks at Allerdale. But she’ll be in the city starting in September, and situations like this are bound to happen again. Isn’t it better to confront a problem before it becomes a precedent?

I still haven’t decided what to do by the time I get home on Sunday evening. When I unlock the door, I find Zoe sprawled on my bed, staring at the ceiling; she’s not even listening to music or anything, and her mascara is smeared like she’s been crying for hours. How am I supposed to bring up my hurt feelings when she looks so listless?

“Hey,” I say quietly. “Is he gone?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you okay?”

“I guess,” she says. “Come here?” She reaches out a hand to me, but she looks so hesitant, like she’s not sure whether I even want her anymore. It’s ridiculous to feel sorry for her when I’m the one who’s hurt, but she seems so miserable that I can’t help it. She’s my Zoe, and she needs me.

I sit down on the bed and gather her into my arms, and she curls against me. “Are we okay?” she asks in a very small voice.

It’s the perfect opening to say all the things I’ve been thinking, and I almost do it, but then I chicken out at the last second. “I think I’m okay if you are,” I say.



“I barely slept all night ’cause I kept thinking about how pissed at me you probably were. Having him here was awful for you, wasn’t it?”

It’s really nice to hear her admit it. “Yeah, it kind of was,” I say.

“I’m so sorry, Brooklyn.”

“It’s okay. I know it’s complicated. And I know I’m allowed to see other people, too, if I want.”

She looks up at me, startled. “But…you don’t want to, do you?”

I think about telling her I do, so she’ll know how I’ve been feeling all weekend, but the last thing our relationship needs is more drama. “No,” I say.