Little Do We Know(42)

I waited for him to lift my hand away.

I waited for him to do something or say something—anything—but he was still just looking at me wearing that expression I couldn’t read.

And then his mouth turned up at the corners. It was slight, but I caught it.

I slid off my stool and he parted his legs, like he wanted me to step in between them. And so I did.

I moved closer, letting my hand trail across his thigh and over his hip. I heard him suck in a breath. And then I felt his hand on the small of my back. He was tentative at first, but then his fingers tightened and he urged me closer.

I thought about Alyssa and how she’d hate me forever if she knew what was happening. But I didn’t stop. And then I thought about Beth, and how horrible I was to let this happen. But I still didn’t stop. Because I didn’t want to. I couldn’t remember a single time in my life I’d done something so totally wrong, something so completely selfish, just because I wanted to. It felt…freeing.

And I knew deep down, he’d stop it from happening. I moved slowly, expecting him to push me away any second. But he didn’t. And then his mouth was right there, not even an inch in front of mine. I still couldn’t bring myself to kiss him. I thought about Alyssa, and Beth, and the fact that he was my choir director, and that I should have hated him for taking my college fund. And God, I couldn’t even bear to think of what my dad would say if he knew what was happening right now, right here, in his church, of all places.

And then I felt Aaron’s hands on my waist, on my skin, and I couldn’t stand it anymore. He shouldn’t have done that, but he did. And I shouldn’t have leaned in closer and kissed him, but I did.

At first, his lips were a hard line beneath mine, and I started to pull away, but then they softened. The kiss was tender and sweet. Then he parted his lips and so did I, and it became something else entirely.

His fingers were under my blouse, trailing the curve of my waist, and he was touching me as if he’d imagined doing all this before. Which I found funny, since I hadn’t pictured any of this happening. It might have been the first purely spontaneous thing I’d ever done in my life.

I stepped in closer and opened my mouth a little wider, ignoring my beating heart and my trembling legs as I kissed him even harder. But then I felt his hands on my shoulders, gently pushing me away.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

I took two steps back and brought my fingers to my lips, already missing him there.

“I shouldn’t have done that,” he said, breathing fast. “I don’t know what I was thinking, Hannah. I’m sorry. That won’t happen again.”

My heart sank deep in my chest. I wanted it to happen again. I wished it were still happening. But all I could say was “It’s okay. Really.”

“No, it’s not. You don’t understand.”

I didn’t look away. “What don’t I understand?”

“I can’t. Not here. Not with you.”

Everything in my life felt like it was off track. Everything I was so certain was true suddenly wasn’t anymore. But those hours with Aaron—shooting video in the quad, editing it in the sound booth, texting late into the night about things that clearly violated the unspoken teacher/student agreement—had all been fun, and they all felt right. Being with him made me feel good in every way, about everything. I couldn’t recall the moment I wanted to kiss him, but now I couldn’t imagine not wanting to.

“Please kiss me again.” I was surprised I’d said it but relieved I had.

Neither one of us moved for what felt like a full minute. And then he slowly brushed his fingertip down my back. It gave me shivers everywhere. He leaned in closer.

“Hannah?” There was a hard knock on the sound booth door. I heard my dad’s voice on the other side. “Are you in there?”

Aaron dropped his hand, and I jumped back. He swiveled on the stool, facing the computer and reaching for the mouse, as if he’d been working all along.

“In here.” My voice was shaky and my hands were visibly trembling as I walked to the door. There was no way I was going to be able to pull this off. I could feel my heart pounding as I turned the knob.

“Hi.” I smiled.

Dad looked at me sideways. “What are you doing up here?”

I gestured toward the computers. “Aaron was showing me all the responses to our video.”

Even as the words came out, they sounded ridiculous. There was no way he’d believe that. My face must have been totally flushed, and Aaron kept glancing over his shoulder at us, looking guilty.

“You walked out of chapel. I wanted to be sure you were okay.”

“I didn’t…I was…” I stammered, trying to find words that made sense.

“It’s okay,” Dad said, cutting me off. “I shouldn’t have put you on the spot like that. I know the whole thing was traumatic for you. I shouldn’t have told everyone. I should have let you take the lead and talk about it when you’re ready.”

He hugged me. As he did, I looked at Aaron, wondering if we were thinking the same thing.

Dad wouldn’t have been proud of either of us if he’d known what we’d just done…if he’d known what we were about to do again if we hadn’t been interrupted.

What was I going to say to Alyssa? What was Aaron going to say to Beth?