Lady Smoke (Ash Princess Trilogy #2)(63)

This is how he looked in Vecturia, before he gave the order to use my people as weapons. I tear my gaze away.

“Is there an option that doesn’t include marriage?” I ask him, though I know that if there were, he would have said so already. Still, I hope.

He considers it, reaching up to touch the low-hanging leaves of a tree as we pass beneath its shade.

“Hypothetically,” he says, “if you were to take the few warriors Erik could offer, plus the maybe sixty percent of Dragonsbane’s crew who may be convinced to follow you—and that’s being optimistic…No, it’s not enough. Not by half. Not by a quarter.”

I rub my temples and close my eyes tightly, as if I can shut out the reality of the situation. “Then I suppose it’s the Archduke, unless another option comes along.”

He hesitates. “What if…what if I came along?” he asks.

I laugh. “S?ren, be serious,” I say.

He stops short, reaching for me, callused fingers taking hold of my arm so that I have no choice but to look at him. “I am being serious. That was your original plan when we were in Astrea, wasn’t it? Divide the Kalovaxians so that some are following me and some are following my father?”

“It was more complicated than that,” I say. “And the rest of the plan was to kill you in order to start a civil war, in case you’ve forgotten.”

He winces. “I’m not terribly keen on that part.”

I shake my head. “Half the Kalovaxians think you’re a traitor. The other half think you weak enough to get captured by a girl. Do you remember what Mattin said on the ship? He thought I’d cast a spell on you. I’m sure he isn’t the only one to hold that belief.”

He considers it, that same quiet intensity etched into his features. “There are men I’ve fought beside for years who might still be more loyal to me than to my father,” he says. “It can’t hurt to write a letter.”

“It can if it shows our enemies where we are and what we’re doing here,” I point out. “There is a price on my head, S?ren, and if the Kaiser finds out I’m here, I don’t think even Etristo will be able to protect me, especially if he learns we’re planning on robbing him of his cut of my dowry.”

“We can work through other channels,” he says. “Send the letters through several messengers so that they’re untraceable.”

“And what would all of that effort get us? A few dozen warriors? It still won’t be enough.”

He’s quiet for a moment, but the intensity doesn’t fade from his gaze.

“I just don’t want you to have to do it,” he says finally. “I don’t want you to marry any of them.”

“And here I thought you liked the Archduke,” I say, keeping my voice light and teasing. “You idolize him.”

“He’s a brilliant warrior,” S?ren agrees before lowering his voice. “But that doesn’t mean he deserves you.”

His words knock the air out of my lungs, flustering and angering me at once. The anger wins out, because it’s so much simpler.

“I’m not a prize to be deserved,” I tell him sharply. “King Etristo might treat me that way but I expected better from you.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” he says before sighing. “But it’s been…difficult, watching them squabble over you even though I know they’re only fighting for a faraway country, for gems, for money. I’ve held my tongue, Theo, and I won’t say another word about it after this, I promise, but you have to know it’s driving me mad.”

For a long moment, I can’t think of a single thing to say. I’d thought we were on the same side of this, that whatever was between us was buried so deep now that we could just ignore it. I don’t like being reminded of how recently I thought I was falling in love with him, how even now he has the power to quicken my heartbeat, to turn my thoughts upside down.

When I don’t reply right away, S?ren steps closer to me, his grip on my arm tightening. The scent of driftwood still clings to his skin, and despite all the reasons I know I shouldn’t, I lean into him. His mouth is so close that I can smell the coffee lingering on his breath, so close that if I just tilt my head up, his lips would find mine. The desire to do just that is overwhelming, but instead I bring my free hand up to his shoulder and push him back.

“It was an act, S?ren,” I say quietly, though I can’t meet his gaze. “All of it. I saw you, I knew what you wanted, and I became what you wanted. But it was never me. That girl was only smoke and mirrors.”

S?ren winces before his own mask falls into place. He takes another step back from me, his fingers releasing my arm. The skin he was touching suddenly feels too cold, even in the Sta’Criveran heat.

“As I said before,” he says, the words crisp-edged, “I’ll go back to holding my tongue.”

He leaves me standing alone in the garden. What anger I felt toward him slips away quickly, but I’m not sure how to describe the feeling left behind. It’s like walking down stairs and thinking there’s one more step than there is. My whole world seems suddenly off-kilter. Nothing I said was a lie—it might even be the most honest thing I’ve ever said to S?ren—but the words still tasted wrong.