Invincible Summer(55)

She bites down on her fork, and it makes me wince. She says, “I didn’t know you had to skip summers to grieve properly.”

“There is no grieving properly,” I mumble, borrowing a line from that therapist Dad made us see.

Claudia looks at me. “Then f*ck off.”

“Watch your mouth,” Noah says.

We watch Lucy annihilate her green beans with her pudgy fists. The doorbell rings.

It’s ridiculous the amount of panic and confusion on all our faces when we look at one another, and it just reminds me how secluded we’ve become. Nobody knocks on our door anymore, because no one talks to us. Why would anyone want to? We’re not fun anymore.

“Get it,” Noah says to me.

I go to the door, and, shit—

The brotherf*cking Hathaways.

Melinda and Shannon and . . . God, even Bella. I leave the door open because I can’t be that mean, but

I do just walk back inside and sit on the couch. Noah says, “Chase?”

“Hathaways,” I say.

I am shutting down. I am shutting down. I am flashing

back and I am shutting down.

Claudia, God bless her unfeeling little soul, takes a deep breath and goes to the door and hugs each of them in turn.

“It’s so good to see you,” she tells them, in that voice she uses over the phone to Lucy.

Noah won’t look at them, just takes Lucy out of her booster seat and plops her on the ground. “Go play,” he says.

Mom must tell her this a lot when something interesting is about to happen, because she crosses her arms and shakes her head.

“Luce, your baby doll’s crying.”

“Nooooo,” she cries, and she runs into her room. Bella gives her a little smile as she runs by. I scoot back on the couch to make sure I can see her play, to be sure she’s safe.

“What are you doing here?” Noah asks. Quietly. So quietly. Like he doesn’t really care why they’re here. Doesn’t really care that they’re here.

The Hathaways were clearly not prepared for this question. They look at one another, then look at me. I can’t look at Shannon right now, can’t remember the

last time I looked at him, when he poured water all over me and called me his soldier, even though neither of us had any idea what we were fighting.

Looking at Bella just seems stupid, so I look at Melinda.

Melinda who said she was watching Gideon. Melinda who acted like childhood was something she wanted to protect while she screwed me senseless and let my brother fall off the raft.

Fuck. The. Hathaways.

And Melinda, the way she’s looking at me . . . it’s like she knows everything.

Yes, I blame you. I blame all of you. I spent this whole year blaming you because I love my brother I love my brother I loved my brothers and I survive by finding something else to think about and something else to feel. It is the only way to get by. There is no grieving improperly. I blame you and I blame me and I don’t want to think about it. This is how I get by. This is how I live now.

Also, it seems like if we’re going to see them after so long, it should be on my birthday. For maximum dramatic effect. They should have waited. It’s tomorrow. I’m sure they remember. We’ve all got to remember, even if no one will mention it. I wonder what we’ll do tomorrow.

“We just got here,” Melinda says eventually. “Thought we’d come see how you were doing.”

“Okay, you”—Noah points to Melinda—“cannot scare

anyone here into bed anymore. You”—Shannon—“cannot convince my brother that college and some girl will make him happy, and you—”

“Bella hasn’t done jack shit to you,” Melinda says. “So shut the f*ck up.”

I wonder if anyone’s told Noah to shut the f*ck up lately.

He’s not living on the run anymore, not living like a gypsy, not meeting vagabonds on the streets or in bars. He’s in college, going to classes. I don’t know what my brother has seen, but judging by his face, he hasn’t heard anything that makes him this angry in a long time. Not even me. I still can’t really make Noah mad.

“We all lost something that night,” she says.

I want to ask, How much is lost when you lose one person? I think Melinda might have a quote for the occasion.

“Get out of here!” Noah screams. “Get out of my house!”

Melinda is the one who meets my eye on the way out.

Who looks at me and says, “We all lost something.”

No quote. I should have known she was worthless. In the end, she was just as meaningless as everything. Noah closes the door and comes back to the couch with

me. “I don’t care what they lost,” he says, putting his arms around me. “I care that no one makes you look like that again.”

I want to lean into him and hold on to him but I can’t even move.

I’m sitting on my bed. It’s two hours later but it feels like a million.

This is my room, now, and mine only—Noah sleeps in the master bedroom. He won’t be throwing stones at the window, and I don’t know if I’d let him in if he did. I’m taking deep breaths so I don’t have to throw myself under another shower when Claudia comes in with Noah’s Camus book and says, “Listen. Just listen.”