Invincible Summer(40)

Apologize for the rape, not for being mean.

And that makes me feel dirty. And meaner.

But being with her always does, so maybe I should be used to it.

I pick up another box. “I know what happened to you.”

She looks so young and small and stupid in that green tank top. Why did I used to think she was an older woman?

“When did Noah tell you?”

Really, it was Mom and Claudia who told me, that night we were talking about residential school. But Noah did tell me, eventually. He called me from his dorm room after a talk with her. He was almost crying, he was so frustrated.

I say, “Like, February, but it was nothing I hadn’t already guessed.”

“I didn’t think you needed to be told, *. I sort of implied it pretty hard that time under your house, remember? That night your balls finally dropped?”

I throw the box in the sand. “Fuck you, Melinda.”

“Aw, you’re so sweaty. Let me get your shirt off.”

Why, why do I let her take my shirt off?

“Mmm.” She kisses my right pec. “The off-season was good to you.” She crawls her lips over my neck, up my chin . . . Anyone could see us. But I can’t think of anyone who would give a shit, besides the twins. Dad would probably think the whole situation is hilarious. Mom doesn’t know what to do with me anymore. Gideon and Lucy wouldn’t understand, and Claudia wouldn’t be surprised. Noah would probably breathe a sigh of relief, or sympathy.

Melinda tastes like those cheap popsicles I hate. “Mmm.”

She licks her lips and says, “You taste like Noah.”


I try to turn away, but she’s holding on.

“You can’t leave me, Chase.” She tilts her head. “I was your first. I’m your summer.”

Oh, Goddamn.

I don’t want her. My brain knows that I don’t want her.

That she’s Melinda and, whether she’s an older woman or not, she’s old , and whether she’s Noah’s or not, she’s sleeping with Noah , and whether she’s my first or my last, she will never be mine.

It is always easy to be logical. It is nearly impossible to be logical to the bitter end.

In a second, I’m in her bed.

God, we’re so hot and sweaty and I smell like nails and rust all over and she smells like fake sugar. Why do I always end up in this girl’s bed? Why am I asking God for help when Camus says the universe is an apathetic place? You know what’s an apathetic place? This bed. It is as objective and unstoppable. It’s impartial and doesn’t care if I’m here or Noah is here as long as someone is. I doubt anyone really gives a shit which one, me, Melinda, and Noah included.

“Oh, kiss me all over,” she says, her head on my chest.

“Stop talking.” I’ve told her before I hate it when she talks. I always feel someone else can hear us. Like we’re being judged.

“Aww, Chasey.” Her mouth is on my neck. “Keep yelling

at me.”

“I’m not yelling, Christ. This is not some weird sex tape.”

This is not a rape fantasy.

“It could be.”

“Ewwww.” I close my eyes and try to will this all to be gone. Her. This bed. My erection.

It’s so easy to not want her when she’s here. It’s during the year, or when I see Noah walking over, that I pine like a f*cking dog. And I do, as much as I hate hate hate to admit it. I write her name in my notebook, then furiously scribble over it, then write it again. I lie in the sand and think about her fingernails. I imagine her body when I’m in the shower. I hate myself for never appreciating her.

But when she’s here, I just want her to be better than she ever is. She’s like Christmas. And I’m a summer boy.

I wonder how much longer until I come.

Back and forth back and forth back and forth day after day after day after day. . . . Is this still the same time? Was I just lugging boxes, or is this one of the millions of other times I’ve accidentally stumbled into this bunk bed? Is this really the first time this summer?

It’s hard to breathe when there’s a sticky girl on your chest.

Then the door opens.

“What? Chase? ”

Oh, shit.

Bella is so far away from my life at this moment that I’d almost forgotten she exists.

My first thought is Cover up Bella is beautiful and innocent and cannot see you like this. Is she still a virgin? I think she’ll always be a virgin even if she grows up and has like fifteen kids like the lady on TV.

My second thought is Oh God, I hope Shannon’s not here.

Melinda picks her head off of me. “Oh, hey, Bella. Just fooling around.”

“With Chase? ” Bella’s chin trembles. “No, this isn’t right, this isn’t how it—”

“I know!” I sit up and Melinda basically falls off of me. And the bed. “I know! This isn’t how it’s supposed to work!

I’m sorry.” I say to no one, “I’m sorry no one understands how this is supposed to work. Even me. Even me. I’m sorry.”

I stand up and start getting dressed. Bella’s still standing by the door, making noises like she swallowed something alive.

I hope it’s not my naked body that’s shocking her this much.