Invincible Summer(14)

“No. I want Noah.”

We have one set of good plates at the beach house, and Mom set them out. It makes putting them away harder.

“So he leaves sometimes,” Claudia says. “So he’s not the nicest guy in the world. Get over it, Chase. Everyone else has.”

“Not Dad.”

“If he is in this family, he cannot just keep leaving!” Dad shouts from upstairs.

“Yeah, keep on being just like Dad.” Claudia’s eyes keep rolling around and around. “That’s good for your mental health.”

“My mental health is fine, thank you. I’m the only normal one of the four of us.”

“Which is, consequently, not good for your mental health.”

“Did you just say ‘consequently’?”


She tosses her hair over her shoulder. “I do know words, brother.” Upstairs, everything has gone very, very quiet. I hope they haven’t killed Gideon. That would really put a damper on my birthday. I wonder if we’d name the new baby after him.

I say, “Listen, we’re going to need to eat something. Let me warm up the turkey.”

She crosses her arms. “Okay . . .”

“What?”

“You’re being a f*cking drama queen. Mom and Dad’ll

be down in a second, they’ll apologize for yelling, and we’ll all eat together. And don’t you dare say Not all of us because Noah isn’t here waaaah.”

I tackle her and smother her under my arm. “We’re playing house!” I tell her. “Feeding our children.”

“Preggers, Deafy, and . . . what’s Dad? Hopelessly Dreamy.”

“I never should have let you name them.”

“I think they’re beautiful names.”

“They’re going to get beat up in kindergarten.”

“Like they’ll ever be mature enough for kindergarten.”

I should make something to eat. “Hey, didn’t we have another kid . . . ?”

“Oh, Moses? He ran away. Across the Red Sea.”

I have my head in the refrigerator, looking for some kind of vegetable—our children might never pass preschool, but they’ll be well-fed, goddamn it—when Claudia goes, “Uh, Chase?” Gideon’s running down the stairs, signing Baby baby baby.

“What?” I say, with my hands and with my voice all at the same time.

“Oh, my God,” Claudia says.

My heart’s in ? time. “Wait, seriously?”

Claudia’s way better at simultaneously signing and speaking. “Mom’s having the baby?”

Gideon nods and flops down at the bottom of the stairs.

Baby hospital birthday!

My boy is so smart sometimes.

We’re still gaping like we didn’t know Mom was pregnant when Mom and Dad come downstairs. Mom looks totally fine. I expected her to be dripping or something.

“I’m going to go ahead and bring her to the hospital,” Dad says. “I’ll be back soon, okay?” He kisses my cheek. “Fix them something to eat?”

“Okay. Okay.” I can’t quit smiling, and it’s ridiculous.

“Congratulations.”

“Thank you, Chase.” He swipes his finger over the bridge of my nose and looks at Mom as she kisses Gideon and Claude good-bye. “I’m just going to drop her off and get her comfortable and I’ll be back, okay?”

“Wait, what?” I shake my head. “Stay with her.” “It’s your birthday. We’re not going to forget about you.

Mom and I agreed this is best, okay?”

Mom kisses the top of my head. “Probably the last birthday you won’t share with your sister, too.”

I smile and choke out “Thank you,” I have no idea what I’m thanking her for. I sign Say bye to Gideon.





Bye hospital bye baby.


Claudia rolls her eyes. “Boy doesn’t even know what he’s saying good-bye to.” Hello baby.

“I’ll take care of the kids,” I say, pulling Claudia under my arm to shut her up. “Don’t worry about their demon— asses.” I smile. “And when you get back we’ll cut the cake, Dad, okay?”

I put the turkey in the oven, put in a movie, and try to relax, but it’s hard when my mind is a blur of Gideon’s hands saying baby. When Newbaby is more than just a few stitches on the guitar strap Noah gave me.

And Noah. Is. Less.

Gideon found a squirt gun in the toy box and is now shooting air at me and Claudia.

“No Camus quote for the occasion, Chase?” Claudia asks.

I wrack. “Um . . . okay. L’Etranger.”

“Hmm?”

“What did other people’s deaths or a mother’s love matter to me; what did his God or the lives people choose or the fate they think they elect matter to me when we’re all elected by the same fate, me and billions of privileged people like him who also called themselves my brothers? Couldn’t he see, couldn’t he see that?

Everybody was privileged. There were only privileged people.” I decide to end the quote there, swallowing the bit that says we are all condemned. Noah, I know, would never allow this false happy ending. But Noah isn’t here.