In Sight of Stars(20)

The train lurches to a stop, and the doors chime and open, letting a handful of new passengers on. When the doors close again, I say, “My father died. Unexpectedly. Last January. It’s still hard to talk about right now.”

“Oh, that sucks! I’m so, so sorry,” she says. She bumps her shoulder against mine, feeling badly. This is why I don’t tell people the full truth. It makes me seem pathetic. I don’t want her pity. I just want her to like me. “So, that’s why you’re up here, then?” she asks.

“To tell the truth, I’m not sure why we’re here. My mother wanted a water view.” She looks at me and raises an eyebrow. “You know, a ‘fresh start’ and all that. Not me. But she didn’t care. So, I’m here, just biding my time.”

“Well, fair enough. I take it back. You may go ahead and keep on brooding, then.” She reaches out and runs her thumb along the top of my hand, then pulls her hand back again.

I wish she’d leave it there.

I wish she’d keep it there forever.

*

I pause and look up. Dr. Alvarez stops jotting notes down on the clipboard.

“I’m listening,” she says.

“I know. I’m just thirsty. Could I get a drink of water?” I stand, anxious to walk, to move. To leave the room and stop thinking about it all. Because it makes me want to believe that she meant what she said. What she wrote. It makes me want to believe that everything wasn’t a lie.

“Oh, right, give me a sec. I almost forgot!” Dr. Alvarez is up and bending down next to her desk, where she drags out a case of Poland Spring water.

She brings two bottles over and hands one to me.

“Let’s keep going. I know it’s hard. But we’re making some progress here.”

*

By the time we reach Grand Central Station, I’m feeling more like my old self again. The “before” Klee. The one from before my father died.

“I forgot how awesome it is here,” Sarah says, spinning as we climb up out of the terminal.

“You forgot? You barely live an hour away.”

“Yeah, I know. But I can’t remember the last time I was here. We used to come a lot when I was little, to see shows for our birthdays. The last one was Lion King. Not since the split, though.” She sings the opening line from The Lion King’s theme song, the “Nants ingonyama” thing, then skips ahead of me. I run to catch up. “I used to love that movie so much,” she says when I reach her. “I still watch it with my little brother.”

“You have a brother? Does he go to Northhollow?” I don’t know why I sound surprised. Obviously I don’t know much about her. But I want to. I want to know everything.

She laughs. “Yes. I mean, no. I mean, yes, I have a little brother, but, no, he’s not at Northhollow. He’s only eight. And he doesn’t live here. He’s my half brother. Tyler. He’s super adorable. And, yes, if you’re doing the math, that is older than my parents’ divorce, which was when I was twelve, so you figure it out. Anyway, they’re not here. He went to work for his new wife’s brother in Pennsylvania, so it’s not like I get to see him much. They moved there right after the divorce.”

“Nice,” I say sarcastically.

“Right?” She wraps her arms to her chest. “My mom went apeshit when she found out, and not just because he had some other kid, but because the new wife is practically my age. So, you can imagine how happy that made her.”

“Ugh, seriously? Do you hate her?”

“Well, close. She’s twenty-four. And, actually, no, I don’t. In fact, I kind of like her. Better than my mother anyway, because my mother is a miserable, insane witch. Depressed insane. Needs-to-be-medicated-but-isn’t insane. So, it’s hard to blame him. She wasn’t fun. Ever. You should’ve heard the crying jags she used to go off on … which pale in comparison to the ones she can go off on now.” Sarah smiles sadly and shrugs. “I wouldn’t have wanted to stay with her either.”

“So, why didn’t you go with him?”

She jams her hands in her pockets. “Because she may be a miserable witch, but she’s my mother? And, anyway, my older sister wasn’t going to … Well, never mind. Forget that. She’s already gone and never coming home.”

“Wait. Older sister?”

“Got pregnant. Dropped out of Northhollow. Went to hair school,” she says, ticking items off on her fingers. “Left for California with her boyfriend. In a nutshell. ‘Nut’ being the operative word. In case you think your life is a mess.”

“So you’re an aunt, then?”

“Nope,” she says. “Miscarried. Which I guess was maybe a blessing. But my mother went batshit anyway. So now my sister is in California, my brother is in Pennsylvania, and I’m the one stuck here with the loon. Anyway, now you know everything there is to know about me. More than you’d ever actually want to know.”

“Not true,” I say. “I’m sorry about all of it, but I like knowing.”

“Well, great, whatever. So, basically, if I had gone with him, it would have killed her. I may hate her, but there’s no way I’m going to be responsible for killing my own mother.” I get that, but don’t say it, because, that’s pretty much what I’m doing here in Northhollow. “And, by the way, Alden, now we’re done. Seriously. Enough of this drama and self-pity. Starting now, we make a pact. No more talking about bad things for the rest of the day. No parent shit, or home shit, or school shit. And no Northhollow, either. Northhollow sucks, so we’re totally agreed on that one. And, it’s Saturday and we’re free, right? So, let’s have a happy day in the city.”