I Was Born for This(78)

‘I really am sorry,’ I say. Well, it’s more of a hoarse, sleepy whisper. ‘I really … hate myself. I wish I –’

Lister looks me in the eyes, suddenly fearful.

‘Don’t say what I think you’re going to say,’ he says.

‘Sorry,’ I say, but he’s already worked out what I was going to say. I wish I wasn’t alive.

‘Like, who the fuck even are you? No fucking offence, but who the fuck are you?’ Rowan is gesturing at Angel aggressively with one hand. They’re standing on opposite sides of the table. Angel looks like she’s not sure whether she’s starstruck or about to cry.

‘Can we please tone down the language, Rowan?’ Grandad mutters from one corner of the kitchen.

‘Yeah, sorry, but this girl –’ he points at her like she’s one of the kitchen chairs – ‘she’s been creeping around The Ark all week. She literally spent a whole night at that fandom meet-up with Bliss on Tuesday.’

I wonder if I’m still dreaming. Bliss? How would Angel know Bliss?

I look at Angel. She is staring, wide-eyed, at Rowan, frozen in her chair.

Rowan nods at her. ‘Yep. I know all about that. You think my girlfriend wouldn’t have told me that? She’s my girlfriend. She told me all about you. Your name’s Angel, isn’t it?’

Lister snaps his head round to face Rowan. ‘Wait – Angel?’ He looks at me. ‘Is this Angel? Angel from the bathroom?’

Rowan nods. ‘Yeah.’

Everyone looks at Angel.

She forces a short laugh. ‘“Angel from the bathroom” … Jenny from the Block’s slightly more awkward younger sister?’

No one laughs with her.

‘And then,’ Rowan continues, ‘Jimmy disappears and I see pictures of Angel and Jimmy on the internet and then Bliss messages me out of nowhere, like, Rowan, I know this girl – which, by the way, is the first I’ve heard from Bliss since Tuesday night – and then next thing I know Jimmy’s going off with her on the train to Kent? Like, I think I deserve an explanation, all right?’ He looks around the room, waiting for someone to nod and agree with him. No one does anything.

‘It was my decision—’ I start to say, but he interrupts me.

‘You don’t know what you’re fucking doing half the time, Jimmy. I bet if she hadn’t encouraged you, you would have been totally fine. You do realise we had to cancel the whole chat show thing, don’t you? And the fucking contract. Cecily is freaking out.’ He holds his phone up to me. ‘She’s texting me, like, demanding that I bring you back—’

‘Angel didn’t do anything; it was my decision to come here and it’s my decision to leave The Ark—’

‘No, you can’t make decisions like that by yourself—’

‘You want to leave The Ark?’ Angel whispers faintly in the background, but none of us respond to her.

I feel myself starting to shout at Rowan. ‘Stop treating me like I’m younger and dumber than you!’

Rowan falters, his eyebrows furrowed. ‘I’m not! It’s just … you’re more fragile than … than …’

‘What? Than you and Lister?’

Rowan steps towards where I’m standing in the door frame. ‘Well, yeah, basically!’

‘I’m not fragile! Why do you always treat me like a baby?!’

‘Because you’re the one who does shit like this! Who just ups and leaves us right before we’re recording for fucking primetime television!’

Grandad steps forward a little. ‘All right, enough. Arguing like this isn’t going to solve anything.’

I glance at Angel. She’s not crying, thankfully. I thought she might cry. I mean, I would cry if my idol started shouting at me.

‘Okay, well, fair enough if you need a break,’ says Rowan. ‘Fair enough if you want to see your grandad. Could have chosen a better time, but fair enough.’ He turns on the spot and points once again at Angel. ‘But I don’t want this fangirl anywhere near us. I don’t know what the fuck you want, but you’re creeping me the fuck out, and this is entirely your fault.’

Angel opens her mouth and stammers, ‘I-I can leave … it’s fine—’

But at the same time, I say, ‘She doesn’t need to leave; she’s not what you think. I wanted to come here and she helped me—’

‘They’re all the same, Jimmy,’ Rowan spits, rolling his eyes. ‘The fans all just want to take pictures of us, fuck us or watch us fuck each other. That’s all they want.’

‘Right, I’m not having any more of this,’ Grandad barks, and grips Rowan firmly on the shoulder. ‘You go into the living room. Angel can stay in here. I don’t want to hear any raised voices or any swearing. We’re going to have an adult conversation about what Jimmy wants and what is the best course of action. All right?’

Everyone is silent.

Then Rowan mutters, ‘All right.’ He slinks out of the kitchen, giving me a stern look as he walks past me.

‘All right, Jimmy?’

I look at Grandad. He reminds me of when he used to tell me off for coming home late after school due to band practice.

‘All right,’ I say.