I Was Born for This(66)

Lister raises his eyebrows. ‘Er … I guess I never thought about that.’

‘Never mind,’ I say, turning round to walk towards the door. ‘Doesn’t matter.’

‘No, hang on.’ He grabs my arm, pulling me back. ‘Are you okay? I mean …’ He shakes his head a little. ‘You seem … kind of …’ He makes a weird gesture above his head. ‘Out of it.’

‘I’m fine,’ I say immediately.

‘Are you … still thinking about that Jowan photo?’

‘It’s fine.’

‘Okay, well … what are you doing in here?’

‘In … the bathroom?’

‘Yeah.’

‘I was just … peeing.’

He nods and steps back a little. ‘Sorry. I’m just … being weird.’

Then he chucks a crumpled paper towel at me. I dodge it, laughing.

‘You’ve got a wet face,’ he says. He walks up to me and starts dabbing my face with another paper towel. ‘You haven’t been crying, have you?’

‘I just … I just splashed some cold water on my face.’

‘Why?’

‘Because … I was … I don’t know.’ I start laughing. ‘I don’t know.’

He finishes drying my face, throws the paper towel into the bin, and then before I know what’s happening, he wraps me into a warm hug. He squeezes his arms round my shoulders and brushes his temple against my head.

‘You know I love you, right?’ he says, his voice sounding different, low, right next to my ear. ‘I know you and Rowan have always been a team, but … I love you too … okay?’

‘O-okay—’

‘Please don’t hate me.’

I run my hands over his back. ‘Why would I hate –’

But he steps away before I finish my question. He’s smiling. I can’t read it. I can’t read him at all.

He might be a mess, but he is good. How can someone as good as Lister like someone as terrible as me?

‘What are we talking about?’ he says, and laughs, and then moves to perch on the edge of the sink. What are we talking about? Is he drunk again? There wasn’t any alcohol in the dressing room, though.

I lean against the wall next to the dryer. There’s a big window opposite us, wedged open a little bit. It’s raining again, but it’s sunny too. There might be a rainbow out there, but the window is frosted, so we can’t see the sky.

‘Do you ever imagine what would happen if we just … ran away?’ asks Lister, suddenly. I glance at him. He’s looking at the window too.

‘What d’you mean by ran away?’ I ask.

Lister points at the window. ‘I mean, if we just climbed out of that window right now and left. Got in a taxi, went to the train station, and disappeared.’

Everyone would freak the fuck out. They’d probably get the police looking for us. And people would find us, anyway. People on the street, cashiers, taxi drivers, train guards. Everyone knows who we are.

Celebrities can’t disappear.

‘I think about it all the time,’ I say.

God, I want to try it.

‘Do you?’

‘Yeah.’

God, I just want to go.

‘I should try it,’ I say, intending to say ‘one day’ as well, but I don’t get that far.

Lister laughs. He thinks I’m joking. ‘I think Cecily would hunt you down and kill you.’

‘Do you think this window opens far enough?’ I walk over to the window. It’s got two frames, one on top of the other, so I undo the latches at the top, and sure enough, the whole bottom half of the window slides upwards. The rain starts to fall into the room, pattering on the tiled floor.

Lister is silent. I glance back at him.

‘Well … that’s definitely big enough,’ he says cautiously.

I could go and see Grandad. We could celebrate my birthday and he could make me hot chocolate and we could play Scrabble.

‘I might just go,’ I say.

Lister laughs again but it’s shorter, smaller. ‘Don’t joke.’

I stick my head out of the window. We’re on the ground floor. Outside is a pavement, then a big car park with only a few cars dotted here and there. I can’t see any people.

‘Jimmy …’

I pull myself back inside.

Lister has moved forward from the sink. He looks worried. ‘You’ve … you’re all wet again, now!’

‘It’s fine,’ I say.

And then I stick one leg out of the window and step down on the other side. I duck my body under the window frame and move myself outside into the rain. Then I lift my other leg and bring it outside too.

And then all of me is outside.

Lister walks right up to the window.

He’s grinning but he’s scared. I know him. I can tell.

‘Jimmy, don’t – Tash won’t like you getting that hoodie wet …’

I step backwards, away from him, away from the window.

‘I think I’m gonna go,’ I say.

His grin drops. ‘Jimmy … are you joking?’

I step back a little more, dropping down from the pavement. My heart is beating so fast. It feels so fucking good.