Hell Followed with Us(74)

I nod. Her expression sours. I say, “Yes, Mom.”

“Today is all about how happy we are to have you back,” she says, “but tomorrow is when we make things right. I hope you understand that.”

I remember my first absolution, the day we stepped foot in New Nazareth. My leg starts to shake. I have been out in the world of sin for too long. Theo went out in that world as a servant of God, but me? She knows I would take any opportunity to turn on my faith. It needs to be hammered back into me. I have to be cleansed again.

I say, “Yes, Mom.”

“Good,” Mom says.

The last note of the song slowly fades out. The doors to the sanctuary close. The only light comes in through the tall, high windows and the lanterns set on the stage, the candles flickering on the pulpit. The lack of electricity makes Kincaid Chapel feel like twilight, even at the height of day. Theo sits up straighter and lifts his chin, just like we were all raised to do.

“Good morning, all!” Reverend Brother Ward crows. “What a wonderful, glorious day we’ve had. Oh, what a blessing!”

Answering calls ripple through the congregation. I tug at the skirt of my dress to keep it from sticking to my thighs. I have to stop myself from ripping the fabric. I need to feel it tear. I hate it, I hate it.

“I want to begin our worship service by offering a prayer to our savior, our Lord, because He has answered our prayers.”

“Yes!” someone cries. I want to burrow into the floor and never come up.

“He has brought our blessed Seraph back to us! Let us close our eyes and raise our hands.” I squeeze my eyes shut as tight as I can get them and keep my hands clamped in my lap. Block out Mom, Reverend Brother Ward, Theo, and everything else. “Let us glorify Him in thanks! Thank you, God, for what You have done for us! First you sent your Son to save us, and now this daughter to lead us! We are honored to continue fighting the battle You have ordained for us.”

With my eyes closed, I swear I could reach out and touch the red stream flowing through the culling fields. I can smell the bodies of the weak and the failures hanging from the trees. I can hear the rustling of feathers, the scrape of teeth, the wet heavy breathing of Seraph between Ward’s cries.

I don’t feel God. I don’t even feel the peace I used to be able to snatch from the jaws of monsters.

Just the culling field and the beast.

“We will continue to do Your holy works, follow You in Your infinite majesty, Your goodness, Your mercy toward us sinners—those who fight for You, and even in those who have turned from You. In every way, You are glorious and perfect. In Jesus’s name, Amen! Raise your eyes, faithful, and may we lay our gaze upon the one who will lead us in this struggle!” My eyes snap open. “Sister Woodside, blessed Seraph, if you would honor us!”

No. No, no, no.

Mom turns her perfect smile on me. Theo shines as bright as the stars.

“Go on,” he whispers. “You can do it.”

“I—”

“Go,” Mom says.

One more day. One more day.

My leg shaking, my body turning to rot underneath me, I stand and climb the stairs to the pulpit. Reverend Brother Ward clasps my hands in his.

“Thank you,” Ward murmurs, bringing his face too close to mine. “God has brought you back to us, Sister. I want to thank you for your bravery, your courage, your sacrifice. You are doing more for this world than you know.”

I nod, unable to say a word, and he smiles because he thinks I am being modest when in fact I am teetering between terrified and wanting to tear out his fucking throat.

Reverend Brother Ward turns back to the congregation, one of my hands still held in his.

“When we first began our mission, there were almost nine billion people on this earth. Can you believe it? Earth creaking under the weight of nine billion souls. And as we watched that number climb higher, and we watched plagues sweep over our people, and summers got hotter, and unrest tore societies apart, our leader High Reverend Father Ian Clevenger received a message from God!” Yes! the chapel cries. “For the earth must be liberated of us once again for the world to be saved, for our souls to be saved, so we can reach the Kingdom of Heaven.”

I stare across the congregation, at so many people who believe every word of this, who believe the only way forward is slaughter. Who want to wring every breath of life from the world and watch every person suffer. Who prayed for the creation of me.

“Our way forward has been returned,” Ward says. “We will be washed in the blood. We will wash the world in the blood. We will cleanse the world for Christ’s coming, and we will help the Lord bring His flock to deliverance. And you, Seraph—you, Sister Woodside! Are the one who will lead us! You will lead the Flood! You will lead the Graces! You will lead God’s people!”

These people have lived their lives for murder. Their singular goal is genocide in the name of salvation, and they will not rest until every human on Earth is extinguished. We are nothing but vermin to them. I’ve watched attempts at reasoning be met with bullets and crucifixion, and now there is nothing else to be done but fight back. The only way to survive is to extinguish them first.

Tomorrow. I just have to make it until tomorrow.



* * *





Theo’s father acknowledges him for exactly half a second after service ends, so Theo meekly returns to my mother to ask if he can stay with us.