Hell Followed with Us(49)

Nick’s eyes widen. His pupils are so dark, they’ve devoured every part of his eyes. The whites gleam in terror. Good. I hope he’s scared. I hope it hurts him as much as I hurt right now, as much as it hurts for Seraph to burn across my cheeks and sink its fangs into my jaw. I hope—

I hope…

Pap.

There’s a soft noise at my feet. So quiet I almost don’t hear it.

Pap.

I look down.

A black-red drop sits on the tile floor. Splattered from the impact.

Another falls from my chin and hits the ground. Pap. Soft but sharp on the tile.

Something hot and wet trickles down my cheek and gathers at the point of my jaw, where it soaks into my pulled-down mask before finally falling. Again. Pap.

I open my mouth—probably to say, What’s happening?— and half my face goes loose. There’s air on parts of me that shouldn’t feel air. Nick won’t stop staring.

Slowly, I touch my face.

My right cheek has torn all the way back to the muscle of my jaw. An open wound streaks from the corner of my mouth halfway to my ear, exposing the Grace-fang and all the teeth, tongue, and receding gums. A flap of loose skin dangles.

Pap. Pap-pap-pap—then the whole piece sloughs off and hits the ground with a wet splat. It’s festering at the edges. Pocked with decay. Yellow and black and gray and red.

I watched this happen to the martyrs.

I stare until Nick pushes a ragged shirt against my face. The white in my vision swallows almost everything, and I slump to the floor. I tilt my head forward to keep the rot from taking up my entire throat and choking me. I let it all fall into the shirt until it soaks through and trickles between my fingers, warm and slick.

“Just tell me if he was lying.” When I speak, all this shit splatters my hands. It trails off my chin, and I can’t catch it all. There’s so much. “And I swear I’ll clean this up and leave.”

I will. I’ll bundle up the piece of my face and bury it out back with my tooth so nobody will find it. I’ll make sure my mask covers the wound and pack it with tissue so it doesn’t bleed through. I’ll clean it up and go.

Instead of answering, Nick picks a notebook off the table. My hair falls into my face, and I remember the bobby pins he gave me. Why did I ever take them out? I reach into my pocket with my free hand—I need to keep my hair out of the blood, it’s just one more thing to clean—and find my knife instead.

The click of a pen is almost deafening. Nick writes for a second and, very carefully, hands me a little note.

It reads, I’m sorry.

He did.

Cormac wasn’t lying.

I take a deep breath because it’s all I can do right now. In, out. Blood and sludge comes out with the air.

Maybe I need to start getting used to this. It’s only going to get worse.

“All right,” I say, and it sounds like something final.

I hand him both the note and the knife. When I free the knife from my pocket, bobby pins fall out and scatter on the tile. Nick doesn’t move to take it, any of it, so I put it all on the floor between us instead. I don’t know what the hell this means, so I’ll leave that up to him.

I just don’t want that knife in my pocket when he’s the one who gave it to me.





Do you want to know why we do this?

Love. It’s always love.

—Reverend Father Duncan of Washington, D.C.



I don’t want to think about what I said to Nick. I don’t want to think about what he said to me.

We clean the floor of his room in silence, refusing to look at each other. Then I hide in my own room to peel off the rest of the rotten parts. It doesn’t hurt, the same way peeling a sunburn doesn’t hurt. It’s all dead tissue anyway. No nerve endings. Nothing capable of feeling pain. I spend a minute or so staring at the collected shreds, all the little pieces of me.

After I sneak out to bury the mess, I stop in the laundry room to look at myself in the mirror. My left cheek, or what remains of it, is a riot of tattered flesh and open wounds. You can see my Grace-fang and pale, receding gums. Even with my mouth shut, my tongue pulses in the gaps between my teeth. Saliva glitters in the dim light. I test my vowels, my consonants, my syllables to make sure I still sound all right. A bit garbled, but nothing I can’t keep hiding.

When I can’t stand looking anymore, I put my mask back on, a thick fabric one that hides everything from the eyes down. With this, I just look tired. Hungry. Distant. Not like I’m falling apart.

I fall asleep early and wake up while the moon is high in the sky, so I can go back to Reformation Faith Evangelical Church. I sneak out the courtyard gate and into the city, where the stars still shine, the clouds still move across the sky, and nothing cares that I might as well be dying. It’s a beautiful night. I could watch it forever.

I can’t, though. I need Theo, the way I’ve always needed him.

Halfway through the walk, I pull off my mask. There’s nobody to hide from anymore. It’s like changing out of the dress I ran in, like watching snips of dark auburn hair gather around my feet. Not quite sure what to do with myself, desperately trying to understand this new body. Trying to figure it out: What does it mean? What does this flesh want? What does the world want from it?

What kind of monster do I want to be?

At least a face like this will make people think twice before making snap judgments about what I am. It’s harder for someone to pin you down as a girl when they need a moment to pin you down as human.