Have Gun, Will Travel (The Bare Bones MC #5)(49)
“Because…”
I flashed Sax a look of irritation. I didn’t like telling this story. I’d do anything to avoid telling this story. But he was dangling the hope of giving up those sluts. I believed he’d do it, too. He’d given me the PROPERTY patch—Maddy and I had raced right out to find me a jean jacket to iron it onto. Maddy was looking into having a company make me a matching “SAX” patch. He’d given me a glimpse of the bejeweled collar he’d been ready to give me, if only I hadn’t been so demanding. The least I could f*cking do was to f*cking tell him the f*cking story about the convent.
I spoke all in a rush. “Because I got knocked up by the same boy I dated in high school.” There. I said it. Not even Brenda or Cassie knew that about me. I’d f*cking gotten pregnant while studying to take my first vows at a convent. There. How much worse of a person could I be? Could I possibly be any sluttier? I called Sax’s subs “sluts,” well shouldn’t he who is without sin cast the first stone? I was the god damned slut, I was the f*cking whore who had run from Baldy, then run right back to him when he rode into Boulder on his Harley. Well, the sisters had every right to point fingers at me! What I did was much worse than sneak a little brandy here and there, or take some prescription pain pills. That was just my feeble attempt to take the focus off myself.
Sax put his hands out patiently. “Wait. You became pregnant while living at the abbey? Aren’t novitiates supposed to—”
“Yes, become married to Jesus, yes, yes. I screwed up, Zane! After years of discernment, I gave up all my possessions and committed to poverty, obedience, and chastity. Well, I didn’t follow through on that very well, did I?” My hands flew to my face. “God! I’ve been the worst sort of hypocrite!”
Sax’s large warm hands were on my bare shoulders. I had sexed things up a bit tonight in celebration of my first invitation to his house, and I wore a strappy dress of Madison’s that was too large in the bosom. “Bee, Bee. Anyone can make that sort of f*ck-up. You don’t think I f*cked up when Leo booted me out of Flagstaff? I’m sure you’ve wondered why I was kicked out to roam the highways for ten years. It can f*cking happen to anyone.”
Well, yes, I had wondered what sort of dark family secret lurked between those two. I had heard about the showdown out in the parking lot while I was up in the game room dealing with my sub-drop after our intense scene. Wolf Glaser had gone streaking down there to get the story, and he’d raced back up to gleefully tell everyone how Sax had punched Leo one to the jaw after accusing him of being a snitch. That was a heavy accusation, and no doubt Sax would never be allowed near the Flagstaff clubhouse again, although a lot of brothers were in agreement with him. Seems most everyone imagined Leo couldn’t hold his mud.
But I didn’t want Sax to think I was changing the subject. I knew this had to come out eventually. All the better if Sax was the first one I told. I took my hands from my face and breathed deeply. “Baldy. Don’t laugh at the name. He was a member of The Dotards”—Sax nodded, probably knowing one of The Bare Bones’ nemesis clubs—“and, well, I just couldn’t resist him. I’ve always had a weakness for bad boys.”
He smiled. “Obviously.”
“So he used me and callously dumped me in high school. That was one of the reasons I became a postulant. I knew I couldn’t bear that sort of pain again. I was sacrificing a lot, which was good, because I really wanted to marry and have kids. If you don’t want that to begin with, you’re not giving up much, are you? So over the years the pain faded. Then Baldy rode into town again. I managed to hook up with him a few times in his hotel room before”—I choked on my laugh—“he rode off again and never got ahold of me, not once, ever again.”
Sax snorted. “Sounds like a heck of a guy.”
“Oh, just a regular jewel. But you know how you can’t help who you’re attracted to? Is it my destiny to forever be attracted to the bad ones?”
“I’m not that bad. Am I?”
I laughed through my tears. “Of course you are. You’re bad to the bone. Look what you did to me in the game room, you bastard! Forcing me to sit on your face and come all over you? Dear God, I’m still recovering from that. No, I haven’t finished telling you the story. I could’ve gotten an abortion and lived in penance the rest of my life. No one would ever be the wiser. But I couldn’t bring myself to do that, so I…”
Sax seemed surprised by this part. “You gave birth.”
“Yes. There was a section in the abbey anyway for unwed mothers, so I just moved over there, with the knowledge that I’d never be allowed back into my habit, that I’d never be part of their club again.”
“So you became part of a better club.”
I knew Sax was really dying to know the answer to the big question. I put him out of his misery by getting it over with—quick and painful, like tearing off a bandage. “I had the child and gave him up for adoption.”
He rubbed his face with his hand. “Ah. Jeez. I don’t know what to f*cking say, Bee. I can say it must have been hard on you, but I’m sure that’s an understatement.”
I sighed heavily. “They found a good family for him. I didn’t even name him. I knew I was being booted and I could have kept him, but I wanted to start a whole new life where I could find some other kind of faith. My little tiny boy was perfect, though. It gives me hope that I might be able to do it again. Oh! I meant—not that I meant—I’m sure you’re completely over having kids. At your age—” It seemed like the more I blathered on, the deeper I put my foot into it.