Gates of Thread and Stone(44)

I noted his avoidance of my question, but I gave in for now. He would tell me eventually. I hoped.

When I told him about the nest, he wanted to see it for himself. He’d have to find G-10 to guide him, because there was no way I was climbing those stairs again. He agreed to wait until tomorrow to see the gargoyles, and we spent another couple of hours watching the stars in silence.

I could stare at them forever. They didn’t hurt my eyes the way looking at the Sun did. The school library held numerous books on stars and constellations, which meant people had once been free to study them. Now, nothing could penetrate the ever-present clouds except a special device that my school instructor had called a telescope. It was located in the White Court in what was called an observatory. I’d seen its dome during my routes through the barracks, but it was on palace grounds. I wondered if Ninu opened it for public use.

As my eyelids grew heavy, Avan nudged my shoulder. I rolled onto my side, toward the sound of his voice.

“Irra’s making us new IDs at the end of the week,” he said.

I nodded drowsily. “If he doesn’t call everything off.”

I told him about Irra’s warning.

“You’ll do great,” Avan said without a hint of doubt. “You’re a fast learner.”

I appreciated his words even if I didn’t fully believe them.

“Are you okay with getting a new ID?” I asked. Honestly, I wasn’t sure myself. My ID wasn’t just a proof of citizenship, it was proof that I—me, Kai Adahnu, not some fake identity—belonged somewhere. Of course, a scrap of metal and my name in a registry didn’t represent all of me, but my ID had always been with me. It was the only thing I had from my life before Reev, my only link to my past.

“He gave me the choice of returning home to my family.”

My mind went from sluggish to fully alert. I pushed up onto my elbow so I could see Avan’s face. As usual, it was maddeningly blank.

“I still have to get a new ID, but it wouldn’t belong to a cadet, just someone from the Alley.”

This might be Avan’s only chance to go back to the life he’d given up for me. But how would I—

I banished those selfish thoughts and gave him a smile.

“That’s great, isn’t it? You can go home. I mean, you’d have to be careful not to attract attention from the Watchmen, but you’ve always been careful about that.”

“What about you? If Irra gave you the choice—”

“No.” Without Reev, there was no going back.

“I figured,” he said quietly. “What do you think I should do?” His dark eyes watched me.

I lay down again. “Why are you asking me? It’s your choice.”

He didn’t say anything else, and I didn’t know how to fill the silence. After a few minutes, Avan stood and offered me a hand to help me up.

We went to his room. I had tried to drag my bed in here so we could each have one, but its legs were bolted to the floor. I wasn’t sure why. Maybe Irra didn’t like the hollows rearranging the furniture. So instead, I’d just brought the mattress and Avan used it.

Lying on my side, I reached over the bed, and Avan’s hand found mine. Even with everything on my mind, heat danced down my spine as warmth crossed from his fingers to mine. Not for the first time, I wanted to tug on his hand, to pull him into the cot with me.

I wanted him beside me the way we’d been that night in the Void. Close enough to feel his breath against my skin. The weight of his arm around me. Maybe this time I’d be brave enough to kiss him.

But I doubted it. I didn’t know how to kiss, and with Avan’s experience, I’d just embarrass myself.

Besides, I had no idea if he’d kiss me back.

Anyway, this wasn’t important, despite what my body was telling me. What mattered was why we were here, and I wouldn’t have made it this far without him.

“You should go home,” I whispered, even though it hurt to say the words. “You’ve done so much for me already. And you have a family, real parents. You should go home to them.”

Avan didn’t respond for a long time. I was almost asleep when he broke the silence.

“The night before we left, I got into a fight with my dad.”

I held my breath and didn’t move, afraid to interrupt.

“Actually, it wasn’t much of a fight since it was just Dad shouting. He told me I abandoned them when I moved out, and that was why Mom’s condition got worse.” Avan said it so casually, but I could hear the hurt beneath his words.

My fingers tightened around his. It’s not true, I wanted to say. You know that, right? But he wasn’t telling me this for sympathy. I clamped my lips together and remained quiet.

“Maybe part of why I left with you was to spite him. I wasn’t thinking it at the time, but now . . . Maybe this was the only way I could stand up to him—by doing exactly what he accused me of.”

I shifted on the cot, resting my head against the edge so I could see him. Avan lay on his side, facing me, our fingers twined in the space between us. I couldn’t make out his features in the dark, but my eyes traced his silhouette against the mattress.

I whispered, “Then you should go home and fix things. I’m sure they’re waiting for you.”

Avan didn’t reply.