Field Notes on Love(35)

They exchange a look.

“Over at the university,” his mum says.

Hugo frowns. “How come?”

“They wanted to have a look around,” she says, “since the housing assignments arrived yesterday.”

“They did?”

    She twists her mouth up to one side. “Listen, darling…they put you together.”

“What?” Hugo’s brain feels slow and muddled. “Who?”

“All of you. Oscar and Alfie. Isla and Pop. You and George.”

“Me and George?” Hugo repeats numbly.

“It could be worse,” says his dad. “You could be with Alfie.”

“Hey,” comes a distant voice from somewhere behind them.

“George had a feeling you wouldn’t be too keen on this,” his mum says, which makes Hugo’s stomach feel like lead. “The others are going to stay where they are, but he said he’s fine to room with someone different if the university will let you switch. He’s going to leave it up to you.”

Hugo’s throat is completely dry. “Okay.”

“I’ll text you the email for the housing office, in case you want to try,” she says. “But make sure you talk to George about it first. I know he’s anxious to hear from you.”

“Of course,” Hugo says, staring at his bleary reflection in the mirror. There’s a short silence, and then he says, “I should probably go. It’s late here. Or early, I guess.”

“Right,” she says. “Look, just send us the address of your next hotel and we can ring the bank and have them send new credit cards.”

Hugo nods. “Brilliant. Thanks.”

“What will you do for money in the meantime?”

“I’ll just…,” he begins, then pauses, choosing his words carefully. “I made a friend on the train. I can probably borrow some money from…him.”

“So you’re having a nice time?”

“I am,” Hugo says. He opens his mouth again to describe it to them but realizes he has no idea where to begin. It’s only been a couple days, but already so much has happened. Already he feels like the space between them is made up of more than just miles.

    “I’m glad,” she says. “Just try to hang on to that passport, okay? We’d still like to have you back here at the end of all this.”

Hugo feels something slip in his chest, like the locking of a bolt.

“Yeah, and don’t forget we love you the best,” his dad says with a grin, which is what he always says to each of them.

“Love you too,” Hugo manages.

After they hang up, he sits there beneath the harsh bathroom lights, staring at the blackened screen. He thinks about Isla and George wandering around the campus, peering into the windows of the residence halls where they’ll all be rooming together, much the way they do now, as if nothing has changed at all, as if they never even bothered to leave home.

How is it possible to be so disheartened at the thought, yet still feel so alone without all of them? He meant what he said to Mae last night. It wasn’t just what happened at the pizza place. It was the sudden realization that after being tethered to his family for so long, he was now adrift. Which is exactly what he’d wanted. He just hadn’t expected it to make him feel quite so lonely.

With a sigh, he switches off the bathroom light and steps quietly back into the room, hoping not to wake Mae. He looks from the bed to the cot, surprised by how much he wants to curl up beside her again, to listen to the sound of her breathing, to feel the warmth of her hand in his— He stops himself there.

Better be the cot, he thinks.

The infomercial for the vegetable chopper is still on, making the room flicker with light. Hugo walks around to Mae’s side of the bed and picks up the remote. When the picture snaps off, the room goes dark, a dark so thick that there’s nothing to do but stand there, waiting for his eyes to adjust, afraid that if he moves he’ll trip over something.

    He goes to set the remote back on the table but manages to knock something else off instead. Worried it might be a piece of jewelry, he drops to his knees, feeling around on the carpet without any luck. After a minute, he sits back again, and when he does, it’s to find himself eye level with Mae, who is now awake and staring at him with an unreadable expression.

“What are you doing?” she whispers, though it’s only the two of them in the room.

“I…well, the TV was on, and then I dropped something, so I was trying to—” He starts to stand up but manages to bash his knee against the corner of the table in the process. “Bollocks,” he says, hopping around in a circle, and when he stops again, Mae is standing right beside him.

“Are you okay?”

To his surprise, he feels his eyes prick with tears.

What a question, he thinks.

“I’m fine,” he says in a voice so heavy that she steps forward and slips her arms around him. Hugo stands very still, wondering if he’s dreaming. “What’s that for?”

“I don’t know,” she says, resting her cheek against his chest. “Nothing. Everything.”

After a moment, he raises his arms, allowing himself to hug her back. Her head fits just below his chin, and he wonders if she can hear his heart beating like something that’s trying to escape. When she starts to step back, it feels to Hugo like a kind of loss. But then he realizes she’s looking up at him, almost like she’s waiting for something, and he lowers his chin to meet her gaze.